Saturday, December 1, 2012

You're Not Listening

To paraphrase what I read this morning:

I was so in love with this man, I let him do anything he wanted, not taking the time to realize that he was an asshole. And when shit went wrong, I blamed everyone else because they didn't warn me, or support me in my pain.

I'm really sorry honey, but you were warned. You just didn't listen. You just chose to ignore all those things that people had been telling you because you found something that resembled BDSM. You found a guy who liked to beat the hell out of you. You found an asshole who convinced you that he was some sort of god. You found a douchenozzle who took advantage of your ignorance, your naivete and your refusal to use your goddamned brain.  Did you deserve to be treated like that? Of course not. But did you listen?

 Did you listen when more experienced people who were NOT looking to play with you, fuck you or master you told you to slow down, get to know these guys before giving everything up?  Or did you listen to your desire, put blinders on, and hope for the best?

Did you listen when people told you that BDSM wasn't about losing your voice and power? Did you listen when we told you it was about FINDING your voice and power first? Or did you listen to those who said that a good submissive doesn't SAY anything?

Did you listen to the people who have done this for many years without harm? Or were your examples others who didn't listen?  Did you learn to walk by first running?

Did you listen to all those other people who wondered every goddamned day for the past three years why the hell trust seems to be given so easily to people whose last name you don't even know?

Did you listen when we said that whatever it is that you think you were doing, it isn't BDSM?

Its OK. I'm firmly under the belief that for most people, you can show them a brick wall, tell them not to run into it because it'll hurt, and they still won't believe you. They have to experience the wall first hand to know that it'll hurt.  What I find pretty annoying though is being told that we didn't tell you about that wall. We did. You just weren't listening.

So I doubt you'll listen now. But here goes.

BDSM isn't what you think you're doing.  Whatever it is you're doing, if you keep getting hurt, it's not BDSM. You're playing at sexy games, without much in the way of common sense. Your version of BDSM feels good. It alleviates your responsibility for your own dark sexy desires. It is exciting. It is dark. Dangerous.

But BDSM isn't for the foolish. It doesn't work when you aren't able to tell the difference between a "good guy" and one just looking to get into your pants (and we all have made those mistakes). It isn't about giving up everything to the first guy in leather and it certainly isn't about blaming everyone else who didn't "protect you" from harm. Look in the mirror, sweetheart. See that girl there? She is the only one who needs to stop and think before letting Mr. Domly Dom tie her up and take away her power. Nobody can think for her. And nobody will rush into save her when the shit goes wrong. So she'd better have a backup plan for her own protection. And if she can't do that, then join a fucking book club instead. But remember- paper cuts aren't fun and do try not to blame the tree for it, okay?

As a good friend said once, "this is like playing with a table saw. There are guides and safety procedures to follow, but yet- people still cut off their fingers".

But I'm guessing that whatever it is you think you're doing, you're still not listening.

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