Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Can We Talk?

There’s been a lot of talk lately about “what makes a good sub” or “how to be a good dom”. While reading a lot of these posts, I was struck by the thought that changing either of them to “how to be a good human being” would be more appropriate.

With the current interest in all things kinky, I’m appalled at the number of people who try to fob off their own version of what works for them off as the epitome of submission or dominance. The very nature of BDSM is that it is all about choice and the freedom to explore in any way that gets your rocks off. There's a lot more than Fifty Shades of Grey when you're talking about BDSM.

Let’s talk some basics here, okay?

First, one is not either a sub or a dom. People tend to have both traits in their personalities. I’ve met very few submissives who couldn’t find a way to walk out the door in the morning, find their own car, get to work, and kick ass as a corporate executive, police officer, shopclerk or whatever their job may be. Conversely, I’ve also met very few dominants who are totally as bad-assed as their internet personalities would have you believe when faced with an IRS audit or a traffic stop.While people tend to take on certain roles in a D/s relationship, you can't assume that a submissive is always submissive or a dominant is always dominant. And, at times, it's absolutely necessary for submissives to "pull on the big girl panties". The point is, people cannot be pigeonholed into one category. Trying to make people live up to epitomes in anything is going to set yourself up for a pre-planned disappointment.

Second, let’s make sure you understand that D/s or M/s is not S&M. I know, it gets confusing with all the letters rolling around in BDSM, but it is entirely possible to have a D/s or M/s relationship and not engage in any form whatsoever of S&M. And vice versa. D/s and M/s are relationship models. S&M is an activity. While many people DO mix the two in their relationships, let’s be perfectly clear that there is no requirement that someone getting their ass beat must be a submissive, nor is someone who identifies as a submissive required to “prove it” by getting their ass beat. Yes, I’ve even known a few dominants in my time who enjoy getting their own asses beat. The point to this is- just because someone is engaging in an activity that they may enjoy- you can’t assume relationship roles from it.

Third, the most important thing one can realize when exploring any kind of relationship- even a D/s or S&M one- is that D/s is only and solely about what works for each of us. There are no other truths. Do what works for you, what gets your rocks off, and what you enjoy. There are no rewards for putting up with bad behavior from anyone under the guise of “submissiveness”, nor is there any badge of honor from treating people badly no matter what your relationship role may be. 

Anyone telling you anything else is just someone saying what works for them. It might work for you, but odds are- you’ll be very disappointed trying to model your own relationships after theirs. You’ll do far better and have far fewer problems if you remember that.