Monday, May 7, 2012

Fill 'r Up

Once you move in with each other, the sexy has a hard time of keeping up with things. What was once planned and scheduled and anticipated, has suddenly become non-existent. While each of you may have had “life issues” to deal with separately before, somehow when they’re combined under one roof, things seem to more than double in size.

Where once you could go home to get away from calls from the ex wife, where once you could tell someone you had to “work late and needed to take the night off” for some quiet time, such escapes don’t really exist when you’re living with someone. The small untruths we tell to avoid conflict don't really work when you're living with someone. It’s also really easy to overlook bad habits, snoring partners, idiosyncratic sleep and work habits and thousands of other little details of any relationship- when you’re dealing with it only a few hours or days at a time.

But I think everyone recognizes that it’s really important in a relationship to maintain rituals you had when you were both trying so much harder to be impressive. (I’m kidding- but you know how everyone is on their best behavior while dating). To that end, we have a regularly scheduled date night. Most of you can probably figure out it is also our regularly scheduled martini night! The point is, on that night, we date each other again. We talk about all the same things as we would at home, but in a far different tone. We smile at each other more often in public. We listen more. We have that couple of hours to reconnect as people who really like each other- without worrying about kids, jobs or dirty socks.

I think that it’s just as important to schedule playtime. Especially if your play is of a S&M variety. I know it sounds rather silly, and oftentimes feels foolish to schedule a time for this (trust me, the first few times we did this I felt rather stupid for planning it). Did I really want to make this part of our lives into just another “chore” for us to get through?. Isn’t part of the attraction of kink the uncertainty? the spontaneity? When I think back to when we first started seeing each other- we didn’t plan scenes. They just sort of happened when we were together. I was a little miffed that this didn’t remain the case.

At first, I let things go too long. A large part of me said we were in a D/s relationship for fucks sake! If he didn’t “feel like beating me”, was it really all submissive-like for me to ask for it? Who am I kidding- I didn’t ask. I pouted like a stupid bitch and expected him to “know better”. Fat lot of good that does. It just made me cranky and him less likely to want to me around at all. Which started another of those evil going around in circles that always seems to clutter my life.

I think it is not only a good idea to absolutely expect that your own needs are met, it is unrealistic to believe that your partner is consciously unwilling to meet them. The key is to compromise.

You see, when my own needs aren’t being met, I can be a cranky little bitch. And I really don’t care to be all that submissive. I’d just as soon drop everything to do with any part of our D/s relationship, if the alternative was to have our S&M pieces doled out to me in little dribbles. But what happens is that exactly when he most needs me to be pleasant and helpful, without regular beatings, the odds of me being anything other than a bitch aren’t in his favor.

You can think of this another way. If you own a car, it needs regular maintenance. New tires, an oil change every so often and even simple washing and waxing. Without maintenance, the car gets run down, doesn’t look it’s best, and will often quit on you when you’re late for work. Owning a submissive is like this. For some submissives, the chance to DO something is what they crave. For others it’s the “taking one for the team” in a beating. And for masochistic submissives, maintenance is more like filling up the gas tank or recharging the battery. Taking care of the needs of each other is an investment in your relationship. Go too long without filling the tank or maintaining the relationship and you might as well take public transportation.

There have been long stretches of time when he just can’t work up the energy to concentrate on my needs. It takes a lot of energy for a sadist to concentrate on doling out a significant beating for his masochistic partner. They certainly don’t want to be in the middle of beating your ass and have their mind wandering all over the ex wife, the principal of the kids’ school or the work problem that’s bugging the shit out of him. The one thing I constantly hear from sadists is that the time when they’re most angry with anything, is the time when they least want to let that part of themselves have free reign. So, understanding this, it can be difficult to work up the heart to beg for a beating, to convince him to play. Nobody likes to be another “problem” for their partner to deal with. And rarely do people really like the sadism/masochism relationship that evolves from anger.

So this is why it’s important to schedule a time- and it doesn’t have to be long- 15 minutes, a half hour- to maintain your S&M relationship with each other. That small time, regularly scheduled, seems rather aggravating and very much like another chore at first. And, at first, it probably won’t be anywhere nearly as enjoyable as all those other scenes you’ve had together. But it is an important thing. By keeping that line open, by refiling the tank, by meeting enough of your partner’s needs to keep them, if not happy, at least content, a strange thing tends to happen. That 15 minutes turns into a 1/2 hour. And that 1/2 hour turns into a full one. You forget the time when you’re doing something you’d forgotten that you really liked. The chemicals that masochists rely on for focus and clarity come back and the connection between the two of you gets stronger. You start out with intending to just wash your car, and you end up waxing it as well.

It basically comes down to reminding the person you love that there are things that only he can do for you. That you know it’s difficult to put the day’s crap out of his head. But remind him that you will be in a much better place of helping him if only he is able to fill up the tank.

But don’t expect the premium grade every time, and don’t hold him over the coals for a car wash with the fill up. Besides, we get better mileage out of repeated fill ups than with running the tank to empty.

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