Thursday, August 4, 2011

Of Baby Dommes and Realistic Expectations

I read a profile on Fetlife with interest. This profile was of 21 year old, professional dominatrix. She’d made some posts that were almost illegible, and filled with text-speak. One was a thinly veiled attempt at something that appeared to be a shot at financial domination. The second was a call for people to do various sex acts on camera, for "personal use". Of course. Despite my mirth, I really did try not to question her motives for her financial domination attempt too far, while at the same time questioning her motives and business plan for her pornography empire. I also thought I was relatively mild, I did not get into a criticism of her profile and bit my tongue and said nothing about her obvious problems with language skills or punctuation.

Then I took a look at her profile more closely. It was was so badly written it was almost unintelligible, but it did contain enough information to get a pretty clear picture of just what this young woman thought being a dominatrix meant. At 21 years old, I'm skeptical of the amount of professionalism she could have attained. I didn't discount it, but I looked for something that would give me a clue that she was serious.

The first thing I noticed was that she admitted to being “impossible to please almost” and that she is “mean to alot of people” Combined with statements she’d made on her feed calling people perverts (duh..you’re on a Fet site?); how she was tired of the guys contacting her looking for sex when she really only likes women; about how easily she used threats, namecalling, (particularly liking the words cunt and fucktard) and bluff and bluster when posting; and about how she didn’t really LIKE men all that much, I got the idea that somehow this young woman was more than a little confused about domination. I won’t even get into the idea about how she thought it might be possible for people to actually “suck their mothers’ dicks”.

I wanted to tell her that in order to be a pro dominatrix, HATING men probably wasn't going to get her very far. In fact, she's be downright dangerous to submissives if she hated them. But I held my thoughts.

I continued reading her profile (albeit with great difficulty given the aforementioned text speak and lack of punctuation) and noticed that several more things:

She’s in debt.
She is aggravated by dumb/stupid/uneducated people.
She doesn’t have sex on her agenda.
She does “some types of things against others”
It’s about power, fun and entertainment.

Any of those statements alone, wouldn’t necessarily raise any red flags. In fact, all of them are perfectly normal, if a little clumsily expressed. But given her online “history” since she joined Fetlife about a week ago, they were creating a chilling picture of a spoiled, bitchy, misanthropist.

One of the things that bothered me so much about this girl’s profile and writing was that if a MAN had written these same things, he’d be nailed to the fucking wall, ostracized, and perhaps even emasculated by those responding, with efficient ease. But when a woman says the exact same things, she’s not treated the same way. Oh sure, many of the women will still call Bullshit when it’s warranted, but few men will do the same thing. It was curious.

I’ve known many doms over the years, and this woman exhibited almost all of the classic signs of being not a dom female, but being an abusive one. Couched in bdsm terms, on a bdsm site however- and I’m sure that there’s at least one person who wouldn’t bat an eyelash. In fact, I’m sure there’ll be a few men who can look past what this girl has said, and only see the opportunity she presents. Experienced submissives will run. Newer ones? My heart hopes so, but my head tells me otherwise.

But hating men, doing mean things, being impossible to please, offering nothing (not even the hope for sex), asking for money, trying to lure people into porn without full disclosure, and her capacity for quick ANGER make me worry about those that do take the opportunity.

I thought back to many of the female dom profiles that had been sent to me over the past few weeks since my own run-in with the clueless one. When Septimus asked me what in particular got under my skin about this “baby domme”, I truthfully didn’t know. Was it my own prejudices from the past? Was it my recent encounter with the Clueless one? Was I just sick and tired of the sheer douchenozzlery of some people? I'd joked about how I was happy that male doms weren't the only douchenozzles; that it was nice to see women lowering themselves to the plate. But the thought also makes me pretty ill.

I thought about that some more. I was distracted last night thinking about it. I thought about just what it was that bothered me so much about that profile. It was truthfully no worse than hundreds of others that I’d read. It occurred to me this morning as I was driving to work, listening to my book, when I’d heard a phrase concerning “pack behavior and the need to protect”.

I’ve met too many male submissives over the years that have been taken even worse advantage of than female ones. Some of these men, a few I am particularly close to, have been through the wringer with female dominants in more ways than I could probably even remember. And while women are usually pretty happy to share experiences, heartbreak, warnings and stories with other women, there’s few guys that I know that like to do the same. A male submissive is still a male first, with gender based stereotyping wired into them, cultural shame over being taken advantage of by a woman, and perhaps a personal bias against sharing too much of their own feelings.

If a woman gets taken advantage of by someone and talks about it, we tell her how horrible the guy was and that she deserved better. If I guy gets taken advantage of, he too often suffers in silence because telling anyone will bring only shame.

I then realized that this profile that bothered me so much, was very much about being the type of woman who engages in slut-shaming of male submissives, knowing that odds are, they’ll be able to get away with it.

She offered nothing of any value to any potential male submissives except the opportunity to have their wallets emptied by a woman who would make them do things so she could earn a living through them, while being taken care of completely, and that these men would find someone impossible to please; someone who really didn’t like them all that much; and someone who is learning manipulation and not dominance.

As usual too, my thoughts turned to a conversation I’d had just the other night with a male submissive. He’s getting married to his mistress soon, and after we’d discussed some of the plans and whatnot, we’d gotten into a conversation about the two things he thought made the difference in a D/s based relationship: communication and realistic expectations. I’d made the comment that communication is the more difficult because styles differ and people have all sorts of things wrapped in their heads that aren’t always so easy to express -as long as the lines of communication stay open- things got easier over time, and as for realistic expectations, that those had a way of changing once you’d gotten yourself into a situation. That it would be far better to have realistic expectations of changes.

And that, I realized, was the problem I’d had with the baby domme, my male submissive friends and their experiences, and the plethora of douchenozzlery found online.

I’m just expecting too much from some people. But it won't stop me from trying.

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