Saturday, July 2, 2011

Funny, You Didn't ACT Like a Dominate Mistress

I'm pissed. But since I find blogging rather cathartic, I'm writing this one just to get it the fuck out of me before I explode with the rage I feel.

I was at a picnic today. It was a picnic held by a munch group, in a vanilla park, but with kinky people in attendance. That's fine by me. I don't have to watch my reference points when talking to my friends at places like that. Don't scare the muggles, ya know?

Septimus hadn't attended. These were sort of "my friends" from where I used to come from, and besides- he had work to do. We sometimes do things separately- we're not joined at the hip. And sometimes I prefer to be around my friends without him. That's not a bad thing. We both have lives that interact, but at times not intersect with each other. It gives us something to talk about at dinner :)

Anyway, I arrived early to the picnic and started a conversation with a friend I hadn't seen in some time. There were only six of us there and the conversation turned to jobs, geekery, macs v. pcs, commutes, and various other innocuous and vanilla topics, when this woman looked over at me and asked if I wanted to go to a "tea" with her. Since you can be darned sure that most male doms that I know don't "do tea", I figured she was a female "dom".

I just smirked and said that I wasn't a femdom.

To which she replied "but you don't look like a submissive". I smiled down at the table, trying to hold the laughter in, and told that I was indeed a submissive. When this fact was backed up by my friend, she just looked at me, somewhat flabbergasted and said "you could have fooled me, you don't act like it".


I tried to explain the difference of being submissive to JUST Septimus and not to anyone else, that everyone else got the regular old bitch me, but the nuances of that seemed to be beyond her understanding. But I'll have to admit, I was so freaking amused by this, that I started tweeting about this little exchange. It was too funny- I couldn't BE submissive because I didn't look or act like one? At a picnic? With vanillas? Seriously?

As they say...BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

But as if that wasn't bad enough, after I told her that yes, I was indeed my boyfriend's submissive, her next question put me over the edge. She, this person who didn't think I "looked or acted submissive" upon finding out that I was, asked me if I wanted to go anyway and "serve".

OY FUCKING VEY. I had to stop from beating my own head on the picnic table.

My sexism got in the way, I'll admit. If this was a guy talking to me like this, I'd have cut his balls off with a couple of choice phrases. But a woman?! Talking to another woman like that? My head was exploding. This "dom" who couldn't even be BOTHERED to get to know me, talk to me, or find out anything about me, made assumptions that were not only wrong, but insulting. If I'd assumed because she was a female that she was automatically a submissive, I'm sure she'd have been just as annoyed. I don't make those assumptions about people and I find it pretty distasteful that someone of her age, experience and time in the scene does it.

While struggling to find out what I was obviously missing in the department of exactly WHAT a submissive should look or act like, I couldn't figure out what the fuck bothered me so much by her words. So, I did what someone with lots of friends does when having a problem- I talked with a friend, who just so happens to be a femdom.

We spent a lot of time talking about preconceptions. Entitlement. Service. And a great deal many other things relating to female domination. We talked for a long time and we were having a great conversation about service and learning to accept service when I looked up at her and asked the question that was foremost in my mind (and not without some great deal of irony)

"Exactly WHAT is a submissive supposed to look and act like?"

We chewed over this for a while, other people got into the conversation, and then, because the question itself was so silly, we starting making up all sorts of shit. Submissives should always wear corsets, even in the middle of summer at a vanilla party; with high heels. Submissives should always wear dresses with no underwear; Submissives should kneel all the time, even when we're in the park, pinecones and rocks; and dozens more stupid ideas of what a "twue submissive" looks and acts like, when I mentioned that I knew the definitive answer:

Submissives should always wear pony tails because it makes a great handle for pulling.

What I didn't know when I said that, was that the aforementioned clueless female "dom" was standing behind me and had heard my words.

That's when she pulled my pony tail.

My reaction was not at all submissive, I'll admit that. What I DID was backhand her with my fist across her stomach. I hadn't been THAT angry in a couple of years. I, the little non-submissive-looking girl with the ponytail, wanted to beat the living shit out of someone. I screamed in very un-submissive-like words, stood up, slammed my chair shut, looked at another friend and said "if I don't leave right now, I'm gonna hurt someone". He did the only thing he could- he told me to take a walk.

I spent some time kicking my car tires and calming down. I didn't want to leave the party, but I'd be damned if I was gonna start a fight with some idiot who couldn't keep her fucking hands, or her judgment of me, to herself. I'm not really sure which irritates me more right now- that I'm apparently "fair game" to this person because I'm submissive, or that somehow I'd gotten myself in another situation where some "dom" thought that BEING submissive to anyone, makes you fair game for everyone.

On the ride home, my anger abated somewhat. I explained to Septimus what happened (who felt some guilt that he didn't come with me to begin with); and looked at him, not wanting to ask the question that really HAD bugged me all the way home.

Why is it that people seem to find it OK to touch me without invitation, consent, or apology?

And being the level headed guy he is, even when faced with my still pretty hot anger, he told me that the problem is not mine; that most people do NOT do this sort of thing; and that idiots will be idiots-no matter their title. It was not my fault that yet another "idiot dom" forgot about boundaries or courtesy....or how to apologize for not exercising either of them when they should.

The irony of my smacking this woman is not lost on me. After all, SHE was the one that told me that I didn't look or act submissive. She should really have remembered what I'd told her about the rest of the world getting the bitchy me.


CoyoteToo said...

I think sometimes we think, because we're in this scene that has communication standards beyond those in the vanilla world, that somehow it will filter out more of the idiots. But between the wankers and people like this, I think it's pretty clear that Septimus is right, "idiots will be idiots", and no amount of experience or "they should no better" is going to keep there from being idiots in *any* community.

I'm glad you hit her though. And I certainly hope your friends gave her a piece of their mind too. Just sorry she ruined your picnic.

Diva said...

You go girl!!!

Reading this made me also realize how sexist I am in certain ways. If a man did treated me this way I would be more pissed off than if it was a woman. As a matter of fact I fluff off when female doms treat me as their service submissive without negotiation or consent.

I have my standard line of you maybe a Top/Dom but you're not mine and I have no patience for those who are and think they can treat everyone around them as their submissive.

Can we start a new group on FL? The "You might be a Dom but you're not my Dom" group? Or is there one already?

Anonymous said...

Idiocy is its own reward at times, and it sure sounds like SHE got rewarded! LMAO I wish I had been there to see the look on her face! I agree with Septimus completely.

Anonymous said...


My hat is off to you!

Anyone reaching out to pull your hair, or touch you, or anything else that invades your personal space without your, at least tacit, if not explicit permission should not be allowed out. Seriously. And if you are somewhere on the submissive spectrum, and have given the right to bestow permission to invade your personal space to another, and the other is not even present to be asked, AND this is a community gathering that (theoretically) understands this ...


I'm not often one to blame the victim, but, _damn_ she's got hit with the stupid bat a time too many, so the clue-by-four you tried earlier must have just glanced off.


At least, before that, you had some fun coming up with Twu Submative traits ... if that gives you any balance at all.

Anonymous said...

What I don't get is why your friend at the party asked you to calm down ???…
After all you were absolutely right in answering the way you did : you didn't start to be violent, the so-called dom who pulled your hair was, and it was a legitimate self defense to answer accordingly.
She should have been blamed by your friend and she should have been excluded from the party. I think is was a minimal duty to protect you and keep the spirit of this munhc / party.
No ?

Knottybitingurl said...

I have to say, I've had this comment said to me MANY times. I am opinionated, loud and not submissive to those I dont have a deep connection with.
So, can you tell me what a Twue Submissive looks, acts like?
I'd like to know so I can "do it right"....bahahahah


Captor said...

That's hilarious! Good for you. I wish I could have seen it. I wonder if she was interested in you and that was very rude come on.

shadesofblue said...

Thank you for writing this. I appreciate the reminder that submission isn't always obvious. I've had friends assume that because I'm submissive I will clean up after them.