Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Cycling Through Kink

Kink is one of those things that runs in cycles.

S&M was a huge (in fact it was darned near the only) thing when I was younger. Situational bottoming for sensation sluts. Spanking did not lead to fucking and getting your ass caned on a Saturday night didn’t mean that you even wanted to look at the person who did it on Sunday morning.

Then came people who wanted more. More relationship than just showing up at a party, finding a willing person and getting your ass caned. Tops wanted more than just to find a nice ass to beat and call it a night. S&M was nice...but people wanted a relationship. People realized that as nice as S&M play was, at the end of the night, we wanted to laugh with someone the next morning.

Power exchange relationships became the vogue. People wanted a master. Or they wanted to be a slave. Mind games, stretching yourself in service, submission of will all became the basis for most of the relationships that I saw. There were more than a few masters who couldn’t master themselves, nevermind anyone else. And those sorts of masters found slaves who knew little about consensual slavery, and thought it was a path to just get dirty nasty things done to them. Few knew what they were getting into, and many found that the power exchanges didn’t necessarily mean blow jobs on demand or bodice ripping romance novels lived in real time.

Rope was the next “big thing” to hit. Everyone did rope. Everyone had a method of tying, a preferred rope, a “twue way” of shibari. Rope became the play rather than a means to an end. This then became the rush to out suspension the suspensions. That's ok. Different ropes.

I think that kinksters have a gene that just causes us to seek out an ever changing path to something new. We never seem to be happy with having a few skills, working on those things that work for us, and letting the rest come into our own devious minds naturally. We’re constantly learning new things, even if some of those things don’t really appeal to us. We’re looking at those checklists as “to do” lists, rapidly pushing through each new activity for the rush that we get from conquering the “next thing”. Without really getting very good at any of them much of the time. Many kinksters are shying away from the D/s part of BDSM in favor of the rush of endorphins from the activities involved in BDSM. And that’s ok. Different strokes.

But I see the longing in their eyes. I read what they write on Fetlife. I listen when they talk. And I know that they’re not very much different from me when I was their age. And they’re not very much different from me as I am now. We all want our lives to be recognized by someone else. We all want to belong. And we all want to love and be loved.

I think that there is a trend that when you reach a certain point, you look back at what you’ve done and try to find something to go forward to. As much as some of my younger friends might not want to think about it, in 15 or 20 years, they’ll likely no longer look or feel the same way as they do now, and speaking from experience, they’ll likely no longer be able to DO the same things that they do now. As the check boxes are filled in one by one, there will come a time when the boxes are all full and they’ll feel like there’s nothing that they “haven’t done”. Trust me on this one. It creates a jaded outlook of kink, something I’m quite guilty of from time to time.

Believe me. I never in a million years, ever thought I’d look at kinky anything and say “ho hum”. But that’s what frequently happens.

But kink is cyclical. What’s new and trendy today, will no doubt turn to something new again. I said to Septimus not too long ago that I felt that many of our friends, who appeared to me to still be searching for “something” might end up finding what they’re looking for in the D/s part. Something that is playfully acted at by many, without understanding the freedom that comes in D/s relationship- or the responsibility that comes with them. Perhaps they’re not ready to “settle down” and explore the other two letters. Perhaps they just don’t see all that many D/s relationships in real life that are appealing to them. I do know that I find it very difficult personally to hear of a 20 year old master of anything. Or for that matter, a 20 year old slave. I have to wonder if they KNOW.

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. I mean, personally- when I was 20, I didn’t have a clue about what I wanted from life. Who I wanted to be, what I wanted my relationships to look like. All I thought about was getting all those dirty things done to me to get me off. But perhaps those 20 year olds are different now and do know exactly what they’re getting into. But when they're lacking experience in even plain old ordinary vanilla relationships, I always wonder if they do.

So when I read this quote this morning, I smiled. This was by a 38 year old woman who seems to me has reached the point where she’s interested in those other two letters.

"The longer I explore, the more I realize that what I seek is a Power Exchange Relationship.
This is a hard thing to say in a community where there seem to be more kinksters and weekend party-goers (not that there's anything wrong with either) than people with D/s labels. I feel different. I feel exposed when I say what I want.”

I wonder if what I told Septimus about my personal feelings regarding D/s will play out and we’ll start to see more people wondering just what’s up with all that folderol with the D/s part of BDSM. I’m starting to see the swing. I wonder if anyone else does?


jael728 said...

I'm new to the Boston community, and can't say I have a lot of experience in BDSM, but I like to think I have a grasp on what it is. I've also noticed, like high school, everyone wants to do what the cool kids do.

I changed my 'label' from submissive to masochist, mainly because I'm not ready for a D/s relationship. I don't think a lot of people, specifically newbies and my generation understand the core value of what D/s truly means and what it entails. I think a lot of people allow their emotions to rule instead of their hearts. I want this today but tomorrow I want that.

I started writing an article on collars and ownership since it's the 'it' thing. People take it too lightly in my eyes, and don't understand the meaning and commitment behind it.

Mistress Lilyana said...

Great post! I'm a big fan of "the other two letters" and sometimes have trouble understanding how others are satisfied with S&M or dungeon play. When you look at kinky desire as cyclical, it makes a lot of sense.

silverdreams said...

Jael728- collars and ownership are funny things. Ask two people what those words mean, they'll give you two different answers. The key is finding a person on the other side of the equation that shares your views.

I get the impression that for many, ownership is that the top controls EVERYTHING and the bottom controls NOTHING. What people forget is that it's a really REALLY rare person who wants to micromanage another person's life. It becomes tedious and co-dependent. And tops forget that to OWN someone, requires a great deal of responsibility. The benefits are great, but it's not a cake walk for a top by any means.

If anyone doesn't realize that D/s cannot happen without BOTH parts, and that both people are 1/2 of a whole; that one person assumes power/authority; while another cedes it; then D/s is a mockery.

Or more simply, the more rules you make, the more rules you have to remember. (thanks Septimus)