Tuesday, May 31, 2011

No Liking Nose Licking

I figured it was time I wrote about nose-licking.

If you’ve kept up on twitter or fetlife, you’ll find this “adorable” little thing that Septimus has started called “The Boston Fetish”. Most people find my reaction to his fetish amusing. Much in the same way that some people find pulling wings off butterflies amusing. Which is to say, it’s not so amusing to the butterfly.

Septimus searched long and hard for something that bugged the living shit out of me. He found that licking my nose squicks me more than anything else he’s ever done. It’s migrated to other tops who, having seen my reaction, have inflicted this catastrophe upon their own submissive’s noses. I just know my friends are looking at me with twitchy eyes wondering what the next squickfest will bring.

For those that may think “hey..it’s just a little playful licking your nose, what’s the big deal?” Let me assure you that if it was just a playful sort of “tongue touching the tip of my nose” kind of thing, I’d not be in this predicament. What it IS is a full on, frontal assault with his tongue slurping all over my nose, up my nostrils and drowning me in saliva. It feels like a St. Bernard with a chew toy. If a nose could be ravished, then you might start getting the idea.

It should be harmless, light and fun. Nobody gets hurt with a little nose licking, right?

I know why it squicks me.

I haven’t told Septimus why.

This is one of the things that I’ve never quite been able to understand in myself. How something can go from “I hate it” to “if you do this to me one more time, I’m not going to be able to control my reaction”. And not in a good way. This is not a generalized “icky” reaction, it’s a “you’d better hope I can control this, because if I can’t, you’re gonna lose a testicle” kind of one.

It’d be funny, except this is one of those things that we’ve never really talked about in great detail. He knows it squicks me, it’s a funny reaction on my part. It seems harmless. It's icky, but doesn't leave bruises or marks. It's fun and lighthearted and just enough silliness to make people laugh.

Until it’s not.

I’ve told him a lot about my past. I don’t talk a lot about it anymore. I try my hardest to avoid things that I know will trigger me, but we have talked about those things that I know are problems. And I have told him about the bathtub, the attempted drowning, why I never put my face underwater, and why I love the fear of breathplay. Facing those fears is one of the attractions of breathplay for me. I’ve only ever been able to do that kind of play with one other person. It takes a lot of trust on my part and a lot of skill on my partner’s part, to put down the past, avoid the triggers, while at the same time playing around with the very thing that IS the trigger. I don’t think he realizes just how difficult it is for me to have his hands around my throat. I know he likes my face when he does it. But I'm not sure he quite understands being THAT afraid of the person you love and trust.

The things that trigger me always cause unremitting fear, panic and the urge to run or hide. When I’m with someone I trust implicitly, like Septimus, I have someone there to help me deal with those feelings. Fear, panic, the adrenaline, the excitement of pushing over those things, while difficult, never makes me want to hurt him. I don’t often get my anger triggers pushed.

Until nose licking entered my life.

The thing about other kinds of play we’ve done, is that we’ve tried them out slowly, building a sort of tolerance over time. Finding the edges of each of our comfort zones. Sometimes fucking up, but always together on the other side. With nose-licking, it never started slowly. It went from zero to 100 in a matter of moments. While I’m sure that my reaction is funny to most people (and that after all is why Septimus does it), what underlies that reaction is anger.

When my nose is assaulted, it takes an enormous amount of energy to just Not. Kick. His. Butt. Sometimes I’m able to do that easier (alcohol helps), but sometimes...it gets away from me. And instead of panic, I just feel angry. I’m sure that my shrink would say that his is because the reason I was finally able to leave was based on my finally getting angry enough to fight back and that having my nose assaulted by the St. Bernard wet tongue just brings back that feeling of empowerment via anger to finally stop the crazy that was my life so long ago.

So the attraction of nose licking for Septimus is the squicking that it causes me. I know he likes it, so I often tease him with it (not to mention after two martinis I’ll even ask for it). I am a masochist. I do like playing with the edges. And I do like to generally please him. But while he’s attracted to this “harmless” piece of creative sadism, I have to keep my anger in check every time he does it. It’s not something he can help me do. I have to do it all by myself. My anger. My responsibility.

He teases me about hypnotizing me to “love it”, or that someday I’ll “want him to do it”. I’m sure that in the back of his mind he’s even got a hope that one day, I’ll be able to get off on it. And yes, to make him happy, and because he asks for it, I have and will continue to “offer up my nose” to him. The problem is that as he’s increasing the frequency and slurpiness of it, it’s getting harder and harder to control my urge to knock him on his ass.

I can’t offer him something in the way he wants it, when I know that giving it to him will create a seething anger in me, one that could likely be dangerous enough to really hurt him. I can't love something that I know could very well cause my anger to escape and blow up all over him. I can't get off on something that was the impetus for leaving. I know he wants me to love it. I know he wants me to give it to him willingly. But I can't.

No, in this case, my submission isn’t about willingly giving him what he wants, but which I loathe. It’s about NOT allowing harm to come to him by loathing what he loves.

I'll never love nose licking. I'll never love my face being wet. Just as I'll never love swimming or masks or gags or hoods. As long as he understands that when he uses those things on me because HE loves them, my submission comes in a form he may not expect or even recognize.

And that is, that I don't hurt him back.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

It's Been My Privilege?

I’ve had a weird thing popping up on my tweetstream and fetlife feed over the past few weeks. It’s been weird because the first thought I’ve had is “what the fuck happened to “your kink is not my kink?” Bah- that’s a euphemism for “you’re doing my kink wrong”.

The second thought I had was WHY are people talking to other kinksters about the privileges that monogamous people have? I’m tired of all the “privilege” posts. Seriously. As a white, mostly heterosexual, monogamous, woman, I’ll be the first to admit that I DO have various societal benefits from that orientation. Things I’ll never have to worry about PERSONALLY. I'm not getting into the whole "I have friends" thing.

But you know what? I didn’t get to make the rules. Even if I vote, lobby, talk, write, bitch and march, I still will never be the one to make the rules.

And you know what else? I don’t feel any overwhelming need to go outside of my own sexuality or gender. I’m cis-gendered and I’m pretty ok with that. I get that it's not an opportunity for everyone. I don’t generally think about privilege because I don’t have to (yeah, ironic huh?). And when I do, it’s not in the way you might think. And I don’t have nearly as many as one might think. And hardly any of them are because I’m monogamous.

But just because you might believe that my life is full of fucking privilege, simply because you might have DIFFERENT issues, let me disabuse you of that notion. My life is not full of privilege. It’s full of DIFFERENT privileges. And different problems. While you’re comparing monogamy to polyamory, lets be clear. What’s being compared is a polyamorous relationship to the media fueled middle american christian ideal of marriage. Because you're sure not comparing it to MY monogomous relationship.

I guess the thing that has me questioning whether bitching about my “monogamous privilege” my “cis-gender privilege”, my “heterosexual privilege” is an effective way to garner my support in an area where allies and friends are important is that I CAN’T DO A DAMNED THING ABOUT IT. If my gay friends had simply said “I’m going to trash you and your relationships because you’re not gay and therefore privileged” I’d have never stuck around long enough to even CARE.

And that leaves me with only one question- Just what the fuck am I supposed to DO with all these so called privileges? Return them? To whom? If your life is going to be better, easier or more privileged because I can return some of mine, please let me know where I can turn them in. Because until you tell me how to do that, bitching that I have privileges that others don’t enjoy is like saying I’m employed and in order for someone else to BE employed, I have to quit my job.

I just read a blog post and I have to wonder. If I’m so DAMNED privileged in my mono-hetero-whitebread-cis-female life, why is it that I’m forced by society to HIDE a huge part of it? I could go through every “privilege” listed on that blog and in almost every single one of them, they could be talking about me, my life, my relationship. But instead of talking about “poly” or “straight”, I could substitute “kinky” or “D/s” or “sadomasochism”. So much for my “privilege”. Monogamous? Big fucking deal.

I have hidden almost EVERY relationship I’ve ever had. I didn’t hide the people, just the context. You want privilege? Try explaining to your mother that you enjoy letting guys hit you. Or better yet- explain to your mother why you need your partner’s permission to do something, to go anywhere and do it in such a way that she won’t think you’re being abused by an asshole. Explain collars or power exchanges, authority exchange, sadomasochism, or bdsm to someone who won’t think that you need a time out in straighjacketed med land. Try explaining bruises to a doctor who won’t then call the police on your partner. Try living in my fucking life and telling me that I enjoy privileges simply because I’m monogamous. You want to talk creepy-take my children away-fire me and burn me at the stake kind of privilege? You’re looking at it.

Trying to get people to understand, much less accept, alternate sexuality in whatever form that takes, is beyond most of us in our immediate lives. We hide. We obfuscate. And we sometimes lie to those we love who just won’t understand. That’s not a privilege. That’s a damned shame. But making me feel like I’m somehow wearing a badge of privilege by telling me how many privileges I’m “supposed” to have doesn’t do a damned thing for furthering relationship parity. What it does do is make people pulling the privilege card as a way to complain that they don’t have the same privileges that I do seem rather like spoiled children who want whatever anyone else has, regardless if they know what it really is they want.

Except on the surface, I’m not privileged in nearly all of the 66 ways on that post. And maybe that’s the problem I’m having with these kinds of posts. Everyone’s relationship looks good “on the surface”.

But as we all should know, looks are deceiving.