Wednesday, April 6, 2011

You Might be Be a Douchenozzle If

I'm often asked "how do you write a "good" online profile. As a twitter conversation this morning clued me in, "good" is subjective. What I find "good" and what you find "good" may in fact be far different things. I'm going for the middle ground. A profile and behavior pattern that don't make you the creepy douchenozzle guy (or girl). Once you're "the creepy guy", it's very difficult to jump back over that fence.

A well-written profile (which I'll talk about in another post) increases your chances of at least not getting written off as a douchenozzle right off the bat. A well-written profile, followed up by responsible online behavior, might in fact increase your chances immeasurably. I say that because I can't guarantee results. I can only tell you what I look for. And what my friends tell me they look for. Are there people who love those "other" kinds of profiles? Sure. But if you're fishing in a pond, why would you want to limit yourself to just a small portion?

I think that there's some general guidelines about writing a profile and behavior in general. Things that get attention and things that make people point and laugh. (and pass it around among their friends).

I thought to begin, a little fun. We've ALL seen these. We've all gotten messages from these. If you've got more ideas to add, please feel free. This is one time where I'll publish anonymous comments, so if you prefer, go ahead and give me your douchenozzle tips anonymously.


1) Your one and only picture (or the only pictures that you post) are of your penis. As much as I’m sure you’re proud of your little cock, it’s not exactly the first thing people want to see when they visit your profile. After all, chances are, that people will want to spend time with the rest of you more than just your dick.
**The only exception to #1, is if it’s a dressed up cockshot. I personally prefer faces, feathers and hats.

2) You comment on random people’s pictures with phrases like “you need to suck my cock”, “kneel to me bitch”, or “I’d really love to come* all over you”. I can’t stress this enough. If you don’t know that the person would welcome your critique of their picture using such language, and if you really feel the need to comment, make it something nice (RAWR, gorgeous, love it, or the like are all "nice") or keep your thoughts to yourself.
**If you spell the word “cum”, go directly to wankerville.

3) You don’t have a profile at all. It’s blank. You have no interests, no hobbies, and nothing about yourself- even what you enjoy or what you're looking for in a partner(s). If I’m going to get to know you, give me something to pique my interest. A blank profile shows me that you’re not interested in interacting with anyone. It says to me that you think “Why bother filling out a profile if all I’m gonna do is wank?

4) You send cut and paste messages to every woman until you run headlong into the spam filters. If that happens, realize two things: a) that the filters are there to stop you from being a wanker and b) if you continue to ignore it, you might end up on the wrong side of these groups:
Return to Sender or The Sad Solicitation Emails We Receive.

5) You brag about non-existent subs/slaves. Especially if you own more than a dozen. Or if they ALL suck cock like champions and you loan them out at the drop of a hat. Nobody believes you. Fantasy is nice, but only other wankers believe that you can actually hang a slave from the rafters for 24 hours, let them down, and expect them to cook dinner for you. Without poison.

6) You use imperatives when you speak to anyone. You WILL. You MUST.

7) You disparage others specifically to cause people to engage with you (aka trolling). You say awful things about race, gender, orientation, or size only to stir up a shitstorm in an online forum.

8) You post in a forum, what seems to be a good question, but then you blow it by outing your sockpuppet account.

9) You post in a forum, start getting good advice, and then delete your post because not everyone agrees with you or tells you what you want to hear. If you’re posting online, asking questions, take the good with the bad or STFU.

10) You treat people like the only reason they’re ON the internet is to give you wank fodder for your fantasies. And then get upset when they won’t play along. And then send them nasty messages for not playing. Take no as a no. That’s basic BDSM. And not getting a reply should be taken as a no.

11) You actually send a message to someone that says “I am wanking to your picture”.

12) You didn’t know what polyamorous was last week, but this week you’re an expert on it.

13) You have a “relationship” with everyone on your friends list. From “brother” to “master of”.

14) You use the term “mistress” in the classical sense. If you’re looking for a “mistress” on a BDSM site, I do not think you mean what you think you mean.

15) Poor spelling and grammar and overuse of the CAPS lock key. Everyone makes mistakes, but large numbers of them in one profile is a huge turn off.

And lastly,

16) If you use any of the following words or phrases:

“true” as in “I’m looking for a “true submissive”

“dominate” as in “I am a dominate with 20 years of experience

“no limits” as in "I’m looking for someone into chainsaws and kittens”

“my wife doesn’t care” as in “I’m just here to get laid”.

“I can’t send you a picture for security reasons” as in “my wife doesn’t care”

“I refuse to be part of the ‘The Scene’” as in “nobody knows me and if they do, they don’t like me”


Trialsinner said...

You might be a douchenozzle if you make the same post every month about how hard it is to join the scene, and then ignore everybody's advice every single time, while simultaneously pissing everyone off and insulting people.

jael728 said...


Love this post!

Viviane said...

With respect to #1, viewers ought to read Midori's article,
"How to Take the Perfect Kinky Profile Pic":

silverdreams said...

That link is golden! Thanks Viv!

Anonymous said...

Priceless. Thanks for a lunchtime giggle.

Lady Christian Tearanny said...

Beautiful points that made Me giggle out loud. Thanks for sharing!!