Monday, January 3, 2011

Closet Cleaning

Welcome to 2011.

I refuse to get maudlin at the beginning of this year. I’m not going to start a list of what I accomplished (or didn’t) last year, nor am I going to bore anyone with a list of my own personal goals for this new one. Suffice to say that I had a ball and a half last year and I expect this one to be even better.

January 1 is full of promise, hope, anticipation and enthusiasm and closet cleaning.

I am a collector. Shoes, jewelry, books, tchotkes, and scrapbooking stuff. I had a couple of days and so I thought it would be a good time to get at least one of those things in order. I chose the hardest one- my scrap closet. This is not the first time I used a closet cleaning to re-evaluate what was going on in my life. When I first met Sir, I’d used my shoe collection to put the past away and look forward to the future. This time what I learned from cleaning my scrapbooking closet (which isn’t finished yet, despite three days worth of cleaning) is that more is not necessarily better. Sometimes more just gets messier faster.

What does this have to do with D/s you ask?

I downsized my scrap room for a closet when I moved in with Sir. I went from having an entire 24x20 room, to a corner of a bedroom, to a closet in just a little more than a year. Without throwing anything away. I stored things in boxes, cases and drawers, just trying to get it to “fit” in my new space. It was stored, but hardly functional. It takes too long to find anything when it’s in covered boxes and closed drawers. I’m more used to having my stuff where I can find it easily. Everything is put away neatly, but I can’t ever find anything specific. As Daddy jokes, I have more stuff than 1/2 the aisles at Michaels. And yet, every weekend, or trip to the internet, it’s hard not to bring more stuff into the house. I’ve forgotten so many of the things that I have, that I often buy the same thing three or four times. I’ve even attended conventions (yes, they have conventions for even this) and come home with boxes, bags, and piles of new things to just shove in the closet.

But as I was cleaning my closet this weekend, I realized that having “more” of anything wasn’t making me happier. In fact, it was making it infinitely harder to use or appreciate what I had.

I was looking for some ethereal “more” from Sir. More dominance, more D/s, more rules, protocols, more...something. I’d thought that things weren’t working out as I’d expected them. But when I looked at what I had, after taking everything out of the box (so to speak), I realized that more would just be messier.

Our dynamic seems to ebb and flow as our needs change. Sometimes we need “more” D/s, and sometimes things work better with less. We still HAVE the D/s, but it’s not at the same intensity all the time (and I’m not talking about just kinky play). But what I was viewing as “not enough”, in actuality was because a lot of those small rituals, rules, and protocols had been incorporated into our daily interactions with each other. Instead of my kneeling when I arrived at his house, he now stops and hugs me and welcomes me home. Instead of asking him how he’d like certain things, I just do it that way out of habit. Instead of making up a whole bunch of silly rules for me to follow or him to enforce, caring, courtesy, love, respect and affection are the reason to do things for each other. Instead of having protocols for our relationship, we had one where we could discuss it with each other.

Cleaning my scrap closet reminded me that I’d bought many of those things because I loved them. Putting them in closed boxes denied me the opportunity to even find them, much less use them. Buying more just to have more just made it harder to see what I had. Being with Daddy doesn’t need more “something”, just more of what we’ve already got.

More of anything in our relationship would be messier and wouldn’t necessarily make me happier. Having more is not the same as using more. We have much more in our relationship than I’d realized simply because having shoved things into neat little boxes, I’d forgotten what was in them. We do have rules, rituals, protocols and D/s. Having more just because I’d forgotten that those things work best when they’re a seamless part of a whole would just be like buying more scrapbooking stuff because I couldn’t find what I’d already had.

Sometimes, taking things out of the box and realizing the reason why I bought them in the first place, is reason enough to clean out that closet once in a while.

1 comment:

BigDanLovin said...

…that's beautiful. Thank you!
You've shed new light on my own life as well as my relationship with D.