Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Between the Lines

“I don’t know what you want”.

I’d wondered for some time whether or not this blog was doing more harm than good. I know that for people finding it, looking for just someone to say that they’re not alone in their own confusion, it is helpful.

I’m just not sure if it’s helping my own relationship.

Part of the problem is that I don’t always write about things that are happening (except peripherally) in my own life. Many times I write about things I’ve read, conversations I’ve had with people, or my own opinions of whatever I feel like writing about. It helps me to write so that I can put things in sort of an order. I know my posts aren’t always the easiest to read, as I tend to write in the way that I talk. Morphing from one thought to another, trying to find answers to questions I’m not even aware I’m asking.

Writing about how I see things, while helpful to me, is often hard for daddy. But just as he’d be upset with me if I let him win at scrabble, I think he’d be upset if I tried to couch my words in ways that would make my thoughts easier for him to hear. He knows why I write. He knows the “rest of the story” that I don’t write about. But I think that quite often, he reads between the lines, not realizing that I’m not writing there.

So I thought I’d write him this post so he could read between those lines, and know exactly what is written there.

I love you. Plain and simple. To me, you’re quite simply the best man I’ve ever had the privilege to know. You are not only the most kind, loving, funny, smart, and sexy man I’ve ever met, you’re also the best kisser I’ve ever known. Your smile drives me crazy. Your voice reminds me of a very strange color, found in a blue ocean (and for those few of you that understand why I’m saying that, you’ll understand it’s not just a metaphor). It is calming and wild at the same time. You have one of the strongest backs and widest shoulders I’ve ever seen. You have more strength in you than even I’d thought. You have a quiet stability, a predictability, and a firmness that is in wonderful contrast to your impishness and laughter. You are a wonderful lover, a caring boyfriend, and a tolerant daddy. You’ve made it possible for me to do things and become someone that I didn’t realize I’d even wanted. You make me laugh. And when I cry, it’s because you found a way to let me do that again without it hurting so much. You’ve been my sounding board, my conscience, the voice of reason, and my friend. You have a way to calm me when I’m flustered, and a way to make my entire being sing. You’ve always been there for me, whether you think so or not. And if sometimes things are harder than we’d like, at least neither of us are going through them alone anymore. I am there for you, as you’ve always been for me.

So when you read my posts, and go looking between the lines for things that you think I'm saying, please remember that the answer to your question from last night is there. You know exactly what it is that I want, and you haven't had any problems giving it to me yet.

I just want you.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Assumptions and Edicts

A couple of things have struck me as we’ve began our negotiation- the first was that I found myself agreeing to things simply because they didn’t feel important enough to disagree with, or because he wanted them and they didn’t seem “too bad”.

The second was that when I realized what I was doing, I recognized that I was negotiating from a position of neediness, weakness, and general apathy about the state of things (and because I hate to see him pout). I realized I was doing the exact thing that I’ve warned so many others about in the past- I was negotiating from the bottom.

So back to square one.

I may be a “wholly owned subsidiary of Septimus”, but I’m still a person, with a personal life, needs, obligations, and personality. It may be kind of fun for him to think about having a cookie cutter Stepford girlfriend, but in reality, he’d be bored with that after a couple of days. It might be fun for us to play around with that “someday”, but not while we’re negotiating. Tacit agreement and passivity have no place when trying to figure this out.

I’m sure that most people, when you ask them about a power exchange relationship would say that “RULES” are the most important thing. Making them, obeying them, and enforcing them.

I think that the first question one asks themselves when entering into a power exchange relationship is: how much power am I willing to give and how much does he truly want to have? Now, and in the future? How will we know when it’s time to give more? And are there benchmarks that we can recognize within ourselves and about each other that will let us know that we’ve met the same goals?

It seems that before you can figure out the “rules”, you have to have a meeting of the minds about those areas where one is willing to give, and the other is willing to take.

One of the first things we’ve run across is the “assumption” problem.

One of the first things that I offered as an opening was “asking permission”. Since I’d gotten out of the habit of asking permission, mostly because it felt to me a lot of times that he’d rather just not have to make decisions, I thought that was one we could work on. I narrowed the areas that I was comfortable with giving him the power to make those decisions for me by removing work or family from the table. I offered to ask permission to attend events, go out with my friends, leave the house for shopping, etc., or even going to bed if that’s what he’d prefer.

As I said, it was an offer. A point of beginning.

I assumed that he would let me know which things he wanted to control. I assumed he knew my schedule, and I assumed that when he was otherwise occupied, that he didn’t want me just twiddling my thumbs. He assumed that what I’d offered was fait accompli. But we never talked about it (at least I don’t remember doing it).

The first time I left the house without asking permission, he got angry. When I got back, he didn’t hide his irritation, and then I got confused. We hadn’t talked about what I’d said, he just assumed that I was going to do it. I was upset that he’d taken my offer and made it a rule without telling me.

And that’s when I learned another important concept- don’t offer that which you’re not prepared to do immediately.

I don’t believe that he really wants to micromanage my life. We’re adults, and we know that each of us has obligations and responsibilities that don’t involve each other. But assuming that we know what each other wants, or is thinking, puts a lot of pressure on ourselves to be mindreaders when we both really suck at it. It’s easier to ask the question- given the above things, which do you want from me?

What I learned from this episode is that I won’t make any more proposals. And I won’t accept just any old rule just because he’s the dominant. For me, it has to make sense (even if it’s just because he prefers it that way); it has to be reasonable, the purpose has to be attainable, and it has to have a way to deviate from the application given unforeseen circumstances. Any rule based upon any power exchange needs to be accepted by the submissive or it’s not an exchange, it’s an edict.

Here’s some of what I’ll be asking myself before making any more overtures about exchanging any power:

Are there areas that I don’t wish to have him meddle in? Or is this an area where he even wants to control anything?

Is there a way that we can adapt a given circumstance that is likely to occur to meet both our needs?

Is this a model that is reasonable given our lives? Can the goal of the rule be met or am I doomed to failure because of contravening circumstances? Is it a rule that I might need help with in order to meet his need? Will it still allow me to meet mine?

I’m not assuming anything anymore. The way to figure out what we want in our relationship is to offer, talk and negotiate, make a counteroffer if it’s appropriate, and then for the final result to be accepted by both of us. Edicts are not exchanges, they’re unilateral decisions that should not be the starting point of a negotiation.




Next: Specific Rules/General Guidelines/Custom and Etiquette- Which are “real” rules?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

NightB4Xmas

My boss took me to lunch yesterday. I probably shouldn't drink wine at lunch, it does tend to make me a little silly. While the boss was driving back to work, I heard the song "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" on the radio. From there, it's too hard to figure out the phrases that came into my head, but Girlmouse, Graydancer and Septimus' nose fetish seemed to just work with the poem "Twas the Night Before Christmas".

So here's the tweets (cleaned up just a bit) that resulted from Christmas lunch with the boss and thinking of my tweepy friends at Christmas.

NightB4XMas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a @girlMouse.

The @BadBadGirlx was hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that SirX soon would be there.

The BKP were nestled all tied to their beds, While visions of orange road cones danced in their heads.

And @Silverdreams blinded by a ‘kerchief, and @Septimus1812 with his crop, Had just settled their brains for a long winter’s “nap”

When down in the dungeon there arose such a clatter, He sprang from the bed to see what the hell @kinkstergeek was up to now.

Away to the dungeon he flew like a flash, Broke out the safety shears and knocked over @toristorii who wearing her new ballet boots

The moon on @jaekinks breast was magnificent, like new-fallen snow, (but it did tend to distract him from the objects below)

When, what to my wondering eyes (once the kerchief was removed) should appear, but @b_playful with his tetruss (what a dear).

With a big old cane, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must fucking hurt like the dick(ens)

More rapid than a girl with a Hitachi his volunteers they came....

All the doms whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now @debaucheddiva! now, @Graydancer (I know, but I had to), now @SubWonder and @BrattyVixen!”

On, @ThatLauren! On, @MsNaughtyEm, on, @Bendyogagirl and on @Radagast22 too! (because you know, he's switchy like that)!

To the top of the tetruss! or tied to the wall!, Now slap away! spank away! crop away all!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,When they meet with an obstacle, let them be mounted.....(to the sky) [hey, it worked]

So down to the dungeon the coursers they flew, With their ass full of marks, and @Septimus1812 too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, The laughing and giggling and each domly hoof....er footstomp.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around, Down the chimney @Septimus1812 tried to suspend @spunquee upsidedown (who wisely redded on that one)

The doms were dressed all in their domly best, from their heads to their feets

While their clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot (which is when they collectively decided chimney suspension was BAD)

(Note) not that anyone would notice if the doms' domly clothes were covered in ashes and soot....black clothes? hello?

So instead, a bundle of Toys they had flung on the back of their subs (who in my story would throw them down the chimney) but anyway...

And they looked like peddlers, just opening their packs, (until the subs saw things and stupidly asked 'what THIS used for')

But the doms' eyes-how they twinkled! their ass dimples how merry! (yes, it's a known fact ALL doms have ass dimples- check the books)

They thought their ass cheeks were (smelled) like roses, while looking to pop some nose fetish cherries

Their droll little mouths were drawn up like they were mean sadistic bastards or so...
And they noticed that someone's ass was as white as the snow

The ends of the hemp they held tight in their teeth, and encircled the victim just like a wreath.

The girl had a broad smile on her face but with a butterfly or two in her belly,
And the rest of the bottoms just laughed, and said lets get the jelly (toys, you pervs)!

When @Septimus1812, his right jolly old self, laughed when he saw them, in spite of himself! (it was a evil, jolly laugh)

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave the rest permission that the victim would dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And cut off the stockings, then turned with a jerk.(obvious joke omitted here)

And laying his finger aside of his nose, (nose fetish...helllo?) And giving a nod, up the chimney the girl rose!

He sprang to the dungeon, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew to see what had happened to their victim

But I heard him exclaim, ‘before he put the kerchief back on and was out of sight,

"Happy FUCKING Christmas to all, and to all it was a good-fucking night!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Wanker of the Week: Nominees for December 12, 2010

WOW! It’s been a busy week for wankers everywhere! I’m not sure if it’s because of the holidays approaching, or if it’s because I’ve shed a light on a problem experienced by far too many people who are just itching for a little payback, but my inboxes were FULL of nominations for Wanker of the Week! Thanks everyone for sending the wankers my way (wait! did I really just say that?)

First, I wanted to update about MY Wanker. As you may know, I commented on a few pictures, called him out on his douchenozzlery, and generally made myself a pest. I didn’t *overtly* say anything *too* terrible, but I did call attention to his “golden rod” (which is now a fetish on Fetlife). He got angry, then he started calling other people names, then he sent my boyfriend a threatening message:

"YOUR SLAVE IS A REAL SLUT . SHE WILL LEARN THE HARD WAY SHE SHOULD NOT TALK TO TOPS THE WAY SHE DOES. SHE IS LUCKY SHE IS THERE AND NOT IN CHICAGO."

Septimus asked me what I thought. My first inclination was to ignore it. But we figured, if someone makes a threat, the least we can do is let Fetlife know. WTF? Dude? What did you THINK was gonna happen when you sent those kinds of messages and never apologized to either of us for doing it?

I’ve narrowed down the Wanker of the Week nominees down to three. Based on the messages I’ve received from their nominators and a review of their profiles. One is from Facebook (which makes it a little harder because of the “friend” thing), and two are from Fetlife (which would be much better IMO if it HAD the “friend” thing). I’m not saying who nominated these guys, because as I’ve found out, “master-baiting” wankers results in a lot of unpleasantness.

I’ve also started seeing a trend in exactly WHO is doing the wanking. It’s far too early to post those results with such a small sampling, but a few things stand out.

A) The wankers generally are over the age of 40 and,
B) They either have no profile picture, stolen pictures, or the obligatory cockshot, and,
C) They have serious issues with spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

But enough about generalizations. Here’s the first nominees for Wanker of the Week, December 12, 2010:

First is bengal15
The nominator stated that his first message to her was "call me if you want to try black cok. there is a cok pic provided on the profile.”

How charming!

And indeed, there IS a cok (sic) pick (or is that a sick cock pic?) on the profile! After looking at his profile, it’s apparent that he really LOVES pictures, going so far as to comment several times about what “we should do” or some such nonsense. Do guys really believe that this shit works?

Next up is Ahmad Alanizy (it’s a Facebook profile and closed, so sorry I won’t bother linking)

But the nominator sent me a copy of her FIRST contact with this guy (shortly after she friended him BTW)

Nominator: Judging by the timestamps on them I'm guessing he friended me at 5:36 pm. LOL

Ahmad ALanizy
10 November at 05:37
hi
do like be friends

Ahmad ALanizy
10 November at 05:42
(no subject)
can i fuck you

Ahmad ALanizy
10 November at 05:48
(no subject)
please show me your pussy

Ahmad ALanizy
10 November at 08:55
fuck you


Apparently, this wanker, not receiving a timely response to his absolutely charming overtures, resorted to the last bastion of wankerdoodles everywhere: insults.

This one was funny because I’m guessing that the wanker thought that everyone else was like him and LIVED on the internet, just waiting with “baited” (sic) breath for one of these guys to show up and give us a reason for owning a Hitachi.

Lastly, there is FrankAlbergo

Frank came onto my radar through a message sent to me asking me to look at a post he’d done on Fetlife: Ladys

This post basically blamed the victim for the behavior of the wanker. Enough said with this one. I can’t even find it in me to make a joke about this. But if this is what the wankers are thinking- that just because kinky girls are on the internet, that we’re somehow “asking” for it, then I’ll certainly have no problem calling them to task for this and practicing up on my CBT.

So that’s it tweeps. Send me your Vote for this weeks WOW winner. Tweet to me using the hashtag #wanker and I’ll tally the votes which will end on Sunday, December 12, 2010 at midnight, Boston time (that’s something different for you left coast folks).

And please, send me your Wanker nominees. My sample size right now matches their peens.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Fetlife Wanker of the Week

Fetlife. Both the best thing that ever happened to the kink world, and the worst.

It's the best, because it gives kinksters a place to talk about kinky shit, learn about kinky shit, and perv all manner of kinky shit, without tweaking your mother by seeing it on your Facebook. There, you can learn about needles, rope, and flogging, as well as relationships, Doctor Who, and cooking.

But it's also one of the worst, simply BECAUSE it's the best. Because so many kinky people perv Fetlife, that's where the wankers come to get their wank fodder. No more Alt or Bondage or Collar Me. Fetlife is WHERE IT'S HAPPENING, BABY!

As Fetlife makes more inroads into mainstream-ish news, advertising, and online searching for kink, the more wankers find to jizz themselves silly about over there. I'm sure there's Wank Boards everywhere extolling the virtues of the ease of perving the kinky women (and sometimes men) on Fetlife. Put up a cockshot and you're half way there to getting one of "them thare kinky gurhls to show up at your trailer to cook, clean, and get nekked!" (no offense to trailers)

I've received my fair share of wanky wannabes in the past few months. Usually they're not much more than a minor annoyance. What I usually get is that they've sent me a note saying that they're actually in FACT "wanking to my picture". Thanks for the heads up wankerdoodle, but I don't really need to know that. Leave me in my ignorant bliss okay?

But yesterday, I received a one line message from a wanker that just hit me the wrong way. The message was (and I have not changed a word or a capital letter):

"i think it's time for you to be my slave and suck my dick !"

The reason it hit me so wrong, is because this wanker is "A Master" who is looking for a submissive slave (no kidding?) And my profile clearly states that I am owned, collared and living with Septimus. In fact, you don't even HAVE to read my profile. It's right there, at the top. "Owned and Collared". You don't have to be a genius to figure out what that means, especially if one is a "Master".

I showed Daddy this message (I sometimes think that he's a little jealous that he never receives wank-y emails from women) and was writing my harsh reply to this little prick (and I mean that with NO irony) when he said, "let it go for now".

So I waited. Then I tweeted. What happened on twitter can only be described as the BEST thing about social media I've found. My friends (even if I've only met some of them ON twitter) have my back. What happened with the crossover from Twitter to Fetlife was best described by Polloraro as "a roasting". A dick roast.

After a while, the Wanker of the Week ("WOW") idea was born. So on Sunday afternoons (hopefully), I'll be awarding the WOW award to one who truly deserves it. One who disregards profiles, sends wank messages, or one who just truly "doesn't get it". I'll choose the first one (my prerogative) and then I'll cross post nominees on Twitter for the voting for subsequent ones. If you've got a nomination for WOW, you can email the profile to me, and tell me why this person is deserving of such a high Wanker honor, or you can tweet using the hashtag "#Wanker" (update 12/8/10- #WOW is getting confused with World of Warcraft). Lets see if we can't shed some light on the wankers and put them back into their own pants.

(A note about unintended consequences): I'm sure that there will be wankers who will actually TRY to win the award by acting like douches on purpose. I will not be posting the names on Fetlife so as not to encourage it, but if this gets out, Wankers of the World will likely wank themselves into a coma trying to win. Ah well. If they want to notify the world of their douchenozzlery, far be it from me to discourage them from outing their own wankery.

First Winner of the WOW is (lopresto) From a "master" whose use of the English language is lacking almost every basic skill, including the fact that he uses capitalization to tell others what he "twuely wants", to the fact that he has a really little peen (that he calls his "golden rod" ROFL!!!) that seems stuck in a bad 70's porn movie, to the obvious lack of reading anything other than Mad Magazine and also because he sent me that wonderful little tidbit telling me what time it was, lopresto is this weeks Wanker of the Week. Congratulations you little douchenozzle!

And here's the award:



Friday, December 3, 2010

Ghosts of Christmas Future

Daddy and I have started something new.

We’re beginning a period of readjustment, rebuilding and renegotiating our D/s relationship. By that I mean that we got comfortable letting things slide. We sort of let the D/s part of relationship get away from us. It’s been pretty wonderful most of the time, but neither of us is happy. It’s easier, but it’s not as satisfying.

When we first started our relationship, we talked a lot about what we each needed out of it. What we wanted from a partner, what we had missed in our previous relationships that we needed out of this one. We spent a lot of time learning about each other. Our habits, our desires, our pasts, our fears and our lives. And I think, that after almost two years together, we’d fallen back into some of the same traps that had caused problems in our previous relationships. We’d forgotten that a D/s relationship, like any other kind, needs work to make it happen. You have to want to have it. It doesn’t magically appear and it doesn’t happen just because you enjoy kinky sex.

I’d been pretty unhappy with the way that the D/s parts of our relationship always seemed to be secondary to everything else. Too often I felt lost, unwanted and unsubmissive. The change didn’t happen overnight. It slipped insidiously in every time I had to wear my big girl panties for longer and longer periods of time. In other words, the more in charge of me I became, the less I wanted someone else to be. I was getting used to doing and saying what I wanted. Without any clear goals or expectations, I again got back into my selfish bottom space. I’d questioned whether I wanted to even be his submissive and I definitely questioned whether asking for his collar had been a mistake.

It snuck up on me. At first I rationalized that because Daddy needed me to take care of myself for a while, it would eventually get back to normal. When I realized that it might be a long while, I put away the submissive. He’d needed his girlfriend (and I AM a damned fine one). When it became longer, it was too easy to justify that because everything other than our D/s relationship was going pretty good, that I didn’t really need that anymore. It snuck up on me so gradually that I really couldn’t have told anyone what was wrong. It just didn’t feel right.

I think that our playing with rope the other night solidified things in my head. When I’d said “this sucks”, it let loose something more than just the frustration with the rope I was feeling at the moment. It unleashed all those months of wanting. Without the D/s part, our relationship may not suck, but it’s not as special or satisfying either. I finally had to face the reality that I was unhappy with the way things were going. It had come to a choice: either I had to figure out a way to let Daddy know so we could decide together where to go from here; or I had to do what everyone says you should do when you’re not getting what you need from the other person- leave.

The latter wasn’t a realistic option (I do, after all, love Daddy). I knew that somehow, if only I had the balls to tell him what was going on, that we’d figure out a way. When I’d told him (via this blog- yeah, I’m a bit of a coward when it comes to unpleasant conversations) I was surprised when he’d admitted that he’d been feeling the same thing.

But strangely it also made me feel better. Because that’s when I knew that if we were both feeling the lack of that part of the relationship, that we could each recognize that we needed it back, then we’d both have incentive to do the work to integrate it back into our lives.

So, we’re back to the drawing board. We’re re-negotiating how we’re going to integrate the D/s parts of our relationship into the rest of our lives. For the first time since I met Daddy, I have to really think about what I want from him. Not from just any old theoretical D/s relationship with a 'someone', but what I want from him. How I want to feel when I’m with him, what I expect from him, and, because we do live together, how to juggle everything.

I told him that it was unfortunate that it would probably end up looking like a M/s contract. But I’m beginning to think that that wouldn’t be so bad after all. I think that part of the reason we let this get away from us to begin with is exactly because we hadn’t thought about how living together would change things in that D/s part, and we hadn't really set any parameters. It was a "I'm the dom, you're the sub" relationship. We'd made the cardinal mistake: we didn't clearly define our roles with each other and what they meant to each of us. And maybe it’s time that we think about how we want to frame that part of things, so that we can see far earlier when things start to go astray. It’s easier to get things back on track when they’ve only veered a little. We let them veer too far, and now we’ve got some work to do.

R-examining, renegotiating, and rebuilding. Looks like I got my Christmas wish a few weeks early. So, after the beginning of the year, I'll be starting a series of posts about how we negotiate a D/s relationship for a long term, 24/7, being in love situation.

I'm curious to see what happens.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A Grown Up Christmas


All I want for Christmas is.....

In thinking about Christmas this year, I again have a holy hell of case of bah humbugs. Try as I might, I just can’t get into the whole rigamarole. Decorating, baking, looking at the lights, listening to carols, sipping hot chocolate (not a fan of eggnog) with a blanket snuggled up with someone special in front of a fire. All those things that used to make me happy, comfy and cozy going into the crap weather days of January now make me too sad to even put forth the effort. I did try some baking last weekend. And I did put out a few seasonal decorations, but much of my spirit is just flat. I’m not sure if it’s because we’ve mixed religions along with the closet, but I just don’t feel it. It’s ok. There’s always next year, right?

Things are going ok. Personally things are a little difficult. Leftover issues with the ex, problems with one of the kids, car problems and trying to get motivated to find a new job are all weighing heavily right now. And while things with Daddy and me are also going pretty ok, they’re a lot harder than I thought they’d be. I thought that moving in with Daddy would move us further in a D/s relationship. But the exact opposite has happened. While the boyfriend/girlfriend part of us is going wonderfully, the D/s part of us has lagged so far behind that I’m not quite sure if it even exists anymore.

Or is it just that I’ve settled into my role that I don’t feel like it IS a D/s relationship anymore?

I think that part of what many of us search for when looking for a D/s relationship IS a compatible person to share it with. Things that I sometimes feel I don’t have enough of, he has in abundance. Patience, humor, intelligence. There are also some things that I have more than enough of to share with him: Exuberance, impulsiveness, organization, and my shoe fashion sense. And lastly, there are things we each bring to the relationship that may not look exactly the same, but work off each other nicely- creativity, responsibility, attention, and affection. We bring a lot to the relationship with each other. And because we have a relationship outside of the D/s, we have something to fall back on when the D/s is lagging behind.

I know myself. I know that having that outside relationship with Daddy is the most important thing. But it doesn’t stop me from missing the other stuff. And I don’t want to give up the really good things we’ve got together either.

Perhaps this is why I’m bah humbugging? We’ve settled into a comfortable place. We still have date nights. We still talk ALL the time. We still snuggle and schnoodle, laugh and try to make each other laugh. We eat together, do vanilla things together, and we still fall asleep in each other’s arms. He is attentive and charming and damned sexy. We do all those things that many women would give their favorite pair of shoes for. So I wonder why I’m not happy? Is it that I’m just TOO greedy?

I’ll admit that I miss the part of us that only saw each other a few times a week. The anticipation, the frustration, and the joy of finally being together at the end of the week. I should have known that living together would remove some of that. It’s really hard to anticipate the hottness of that first five minutes together, when I get home and start dinner and laundry.

In looking over my prior posts, I’d wondered if by moving in with Daddy I’d end up feeling like a maid, a cook or an errand girl. I worried that something would change that would make things feel more like just two people living in the same house, or that I’d no longer be seen as a cherished possession, but rather a fixture that nobody notices much unless it’s needed. And while I don’t exactly feel like that (I kind of like cooking and cleaning and shopping), I’m not sure that I still feel like I’m his little girl either. There’s something missing.

So what I’d like for Christmas is to get back what’s missing. I want to put the D/s back into the relationship. I want the scales rebalanced and still keep the other parts of us that work great. I want us to work as hard at keeping the D/s in our relationship as hard as we work at keeping the other stuff working great. I want to bring back the structure, the exploration, the edge, the ritual and the protocol that we’d begun and somehow lost. It seems too much like we’re a kinky couple who discovered that vanilla is pretty good, not to mention much EASIER.

I guess I want to be his little girl again. Even Christmas isn't the same when you're a grown up.