Friday, December 3, 2010

Ghosts of Christmas Future

Daddy and I have started something new.

We’re beginning a period of readjustment, rebuilding and renegotiating our D/s relationship. By that I mean that we got comfortable letting things slide. We sort of let the D/s part of relationship get away from us. It’s been pretty wonderful most of the time, but neither of us is happy. It’s easier, but it’s not as satisfying.

When we first started our relationship, we talked a lot about what we each needed out of it. What we wanted from a partner, what we had missed in our previous relationships that we needed out of this one. We spent a lot of time learning about each other. Our habits, our desires, our pasts, our fears and our lives. And I think, that after almost two years together, we’d fallen back into some of the same traps that had caused problems in our previous relationships. We’d forgotten that a D/s relationship, like any other kind, needs work to make it happen. You have to want to have it. It doesn’t magically appear and it doesn’t happen just because you enjoy kinky sex.

I’d been pretty unhappy with the way that the D/s parts of our relationship always seemed to be secondary to everything else. Too often I felt lost, unwanted and unsubmissive. The change didn’t happen overnight. It slipped insidiously in every time I had to wear my big girl panties for longer and longer periods of time. In other words, the more in charge of me I became, the less I wanted someone else to be. I was getting used to doing and saying what I wanted. Without any clear goals or expectations, I again got back into my selfish bottom space. I’d questioned whether I wanted to even be his submissive and I definitely questioned whether asking for his collar had been a mistake.

It snuck up on me. At first I rationalized that because Daddy needed me to take care of myself for a while, it would eventually get back to normal. When I realized that it might be a long while, I put away the submissive. He’d needed his girlfriend (and I AM a damned fine one). When it became longer, it was too easy to justify that because everything other than our D/s relationship was going pretty good, that I didn’t really need that anymore. It snuck up on me so gradually that I really couldn’t have told anyone what was wrong. It just didn’t feel right.

I think that our playing with rope the other night solidified things in my head. When I’d said “this sucks”, it let loose something more than just the frustration with the rope I was feeling at the moment. It unleashed all those months of wanting. Without the D/s part, our relationship may not suck, but it’s not as special or satisfying either. I finally had to face the reality that I was unhappy with the way things were going. It had come to a choice: either I had to figure out a way to let Daddy know so we could decide together where to go from here; or I had to do what everyone says you should do when you’re not getting what you need from the other person- leave.

The latter wasn’t a realistic option (I do, after all, love Daddy). I knew that somehow, if only I had the balls to tell him what was going on, that we’d figure out a way. When I’d told him (via this blog- yeah, I’m a bit of a coward when it comes to unpleasant conversations) I was surprised when he’d admitted that he’d been feeling the same thing.

But strangely it also made me feel better. Because that’s when I knew that if we were both feeling the lack of that part of the relationship, that we could each recognize that we needed it back, then we’d both have incentive to do the work to integrate it back into our lives.

So, we’re back to the drawing board. We’re re-negotiating how we’re going to integrate the D/s parts of our relationship into the rest of our lives. For the first time since I met Daddy, I have to really think about what I want from him. Not from just any old theoretical D/s relationship with a 'someone', but what I want from him. How I want to feel when I’m with him, what I expect from him, and, because we do live together, how to juggle everything.

I told him that it was unfortunate that it would probably end up looking like a M/s contract. But I’m beginning to think that that wouldn’t be so bad after all. I think that part of the reason we let this get away from us to begin with is exactly because we hadn’t thought about how living together would change things in that D/s part, and we hadn't really set any parameters. It was a "I'm the dom, you're the sub" relationship. We'd made the cardinal mistake: we didn't clearly define our roles with each other and what they meant to each of us. And maybe it’s time that we think about how we want to frame that part of things, so that we can see far earlier when things start to go astray. It’s easier to get things back on track when they’ve only veered a little. We let them veer too far, and now we’ve got some work to do.

R-examining, renegotiating, and rebuilding. Looks like I got my Christmas wish a few weeks early. So, after the beginning of the year, I'll be starting a series of posts about how we negotiate a D/s relationship for a long term, 24/7, being in love situation.

I'm curious to see what happens.


MagicFingers said...

I'm very curious too and admire the intention you both put into figuring this out. It's the way all relationships should be. And it's not cowardly to communicate via the blog, if it works, it's perfect. Merry Christmas, glad you got your wish.

JR said...

I also am looking forward to your future posts, I know its hard and easy to fall into a routine, I wish you both the best in your d/s relationship and your loving relationship.

Bad Bad Girl said...

I am so grateful that you share these things. We have had lots of talks about how to deal with changes, and reading your words here makes me smile knowing that you walk the walk and are not afraid to admit it and willing to do the hard work to stay dedicated to your relationship.

You're such an amazing part of my life. You're the closest thing I have to a mentor and I'm look forward to reading how you and Daddy move forward from here. love you.