Sunday, December 5, 2010

Fetlife Wanker of the Week

Fetlife. Both the best thing that ever happened to the kink world, and the worst.

It's the best, because it gives kinksters a place to talk about kinky shit, learn about kinky shit, and perv all manner of kinky shit, without tweaking your mother by seeing it on your Facebook. There, you can learn about needles, rope, and flogging, as well as relationships, Doctor Who, and cooking.

But it's also one of the worst, simply BECAUSE it's the best. Because so many kinky people perv Fetlife, that's where the wankers come to get their wank fodder. No more Alt or Bondage or Collar Me. Fetlife is WHERE IT'S HAPPENING, BABY!

As Fetlife makes more inroads into mainstream-ish news, advertising, and online searching for kink, the more wankers find to jizz themselves silly about over there. I'm sure there's Wank Boards everywhere extolling the virtues of the ease of perving the kinky women (and sometimes men) on Fetlife. Put up a cockshot and you're half way there to getting one of "them thare kinky gurhls to show up at your trailer to cook, clean, and get nekked!" (no offense to trailers)

I've received my fair share of wanky wannabes in the past few months. Usually they're not much more than a minor annoyance. What I usually get is that they've sent me a note saying that they're actually in FACT "wanking to my picture". Thanks for the heads up wankerdoodle, but I don't really need to know that. Leave me in my ignorant bliss okay?

But yesterday, I received a one line message from a wanker that just hit me the wrong way. The message was (and I have not changed a word or a capital letter):

"i think it's time for you to be my slave and suck my dick !"

The reason it hit me so wrong, is because this wanker is "A Master" who is looking for a submissive slave (no kidding?) And my profile clearly states that I am owned, collared and living with Septimus. In fact, you don't even HAVE to read my profile. It's right there, at the top. "Owned and Collared". You don't have to be a genius to figure out what that means, especially if one is a "Master".

I showed Daddy this message (I sometimes think that he's a little jealous that he never receives wank-y emails from women) and was writing my harsh reply to this little prick (and I mean that with NO irony) when he said, "let it go for now".

So I waited. Then I tweeted. What happened on twitter can only be described as the BEST thing about social media I've found. My friends (even if I've only met some of them ON twitter) have my back. What happened with the crossover from Twitter to Fetlife was best described by Polloraro as "a roasting". A dick roast.

After a while, the Wanker of the Week ("WOW") idea was born. So on Sunday afternoons (hopefully), I'll be awarding the WOW award to one who truly deserves it. One who disregards profiles, sends wank messages, or one who just truly "doesn't get it". I'll choose the first one (my prerogative) and then I'll cross post nominees on Twitter for the voting for subsequent ones. If you've got a nomination for WOW, you can email the profile to me, and tell me why this person is deserving of such a high Wanker honor, or you can tweet using the hashtag "#Wanker" (update 12/8/10- #WOW is getting confused with World of Warcraft). Lets see if we can't shed some light on the wankers and put them back into their own pants.

(A note about unintended consequences): I'm sure that there will be wankers who will actually TRY to win the award by acting like douches on purpose. I will not be posting the names on Fetlife so as not to encourage it, but if this gets out, Wankers of the World will likely wank themselves into a coma trying to win. Ah well. If they want to notify the world of their douchenozzlery, far be it from me to discourage them from outing their own wankery.

First Winner of the WOW is (lopresto) From a "master" whose use of the English language is lacking almost every basic skill, including the fact that he uses capitalization to tell others what he "twuely wants", to the fact that he has a really little peen (that he calls his "golden rod" ROFL!!!) that seems stuck in a bad 70's porn movie, to the obvious lack of reading anything other than Mad Magazine and also because he sent me that wonderful little tidbit telling me what time it was, lopresto is this weeks Wanker of the Week. Congratulations you little douchenozzle!

And here's the award:


Kyle said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH and a LOL.. thank you, laughing is the best way to wake up. This feature is something I'll look forward to.

Anonymous said...

I had a similar "Hall of Lame".When Myspace was popular.

Anonymous said...

You rock!!!!!!!

Isobel Wren said...

I like that the pictures of his "only female slave" were clearly taken in like, 1979 and then scanned in and the picture of his soon-to-be slave that he's "working on" who is a "good little cock sucker" is stolen from one of the amateur porn sites. I won't contact Fetlife about it because I can't remember which site it is but they advertise on my site. I remember the picture because I remember thinking when it first came up on my page, "Ew. She has ejaculate on her nose! How did he even get it across her face sideways like that? She's making MySpace Face with come on her nose!"