“I don’t know what you want”.
I’d wondered for some time whether or not this blog was doing more harm than good. I know that for people finding it, looking for just someone to say that they’re not alone in their own confusion, it is helpful.
I’m just not sure if it’s helping my own relationship.
Part of the problem is that I don’t always write about things that are happening (except peripherally) in my own life. Many times I write about things I’ve read, conversations I’ve had with people, or my own opinions of whatever I feel like writing about. It helps me to write so that I can put things in sort of an order. I know my posts aren’t always the easiest to read, as I tend to write in the way that I talk. Morphing from one thought to another, trying to find answers to questions I’m not even aware I’m asking.
Writing about how I see things, while helpful to me, is often hard for daddy. But just as he’d be upset with me if I let him win at scrabble, I think he’d be upset if I tried to couch my words in ways that would make my thoughts easier for him to hear. He knows why I write. He knows the “rest of the story” that I don’t write about. But I think that quite often, he reads between the lines, not realizing that I’m not writing there.
So I thought I’d write him this post so he could read between those lines, and know exactly what is written there.
I love you. Plain and simple. To me, you’re quite simply the best man I’ve ever had the privilege to know. You are not only the most kind, loving, funny, smart, and sexy man I’ve ever met, you’re also the best kisser I’ve ever known. Your smile drives me crazy. Your voice reminds me of a very strange color, found in a blue ocean (and for those few of you that understand why I’m saying that, you’ll understand it’s not just a metaphor). It is calming and wild at the same time. You have one of the strongest backs and widest shoulders I’ve ever seen. You have more strength in you than even I’d thought. You have a quiet stability, a predictability, and a firmness that is in wonderful contrast to your impishness and laughter. You are a wonderful lover, a caring boyfriend, and a tolerant daddy. You’ve made it possible for me to do things and become someone that I didn’t realize I’d even wanted. You make me laugh. And when I cry, it’s because you found a way to let me do that again without it hurting so much. You’ve been my sounding board, my conscience, the voice of reason, and my friend. You have a way to calm me when I’m flustered, and a way to make my entire being sing. You’ve always been there for me, whether you think so or not. And if sometimes things are harder than we’d like, at least neither of us are going through them alone anymore. I am there for you, as you’ve always been for me.
So when you read my posts, and go looking between the lines for things that you think I'm saying, please remember that the answer to your question from last night is there. You know exactly what it is that I want, and you haven't had any problems giving it to me yet.
I just want you.