Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A Grown Up Christmas
In thinking about Christmas this year, I again have a holy hell of case of bah humbugs. Try as I might, I just can’t get into the whole rigamarole. Decorating, baking, looking at the lights, listening to carols, sipping hot chocolate (not a fan of eggnog) with a blanket snuggled up with someone special in front of a fire. All those things that used to make me happy, comfy and cozy going into the crap weather days of January now make me too sad to even put forth the effort. I did try some baking last weekend. And I did put out a few seasonal decorations, but much of my spirit is just flat. I’m not sure if it’s because we’ve mixed religions along with the closet, but I just don’t feel it. It’s ok. There’s always next year, right?
Things are going ok. Personally things are a little difficult. Leftover issues with the ex, problems with one of the kids, car problems and trying to get motivated to find a new job are all weighing heavily right now. And while things with Daddy and me are also going pretty ok, they’re a lot harder than I thought they’d be. I thought that moving in with Daddy would move us further in a D/s relationship. But the exact opposite has happened. While the boyfriend/girlfriend part of us is going wonderfully, the D/s part of us has lagged so far behind that I’m not quite sure if it even exists anymore.
Or is it just that I’ve settled into my role that I don’t feel like it IS a D/s relationship anymore?
I think that part of what many of us search for when looking for a D/s relationship IS a compatible person to share it with. Things that I sometimes feel I don’t have enough of, he has in abundance. Patience, humor, intelligence. There are also some things that I have more than enough of to share with him: Exuberance, impulsiveness, organization, and my shoe fashion sense. And lastly, there are things we each bring to the relationship that may not look exactly the same, but work off each other nicely- creativity, responsibility, attention, and affection. We bring a lot to the relationship with each other. And because we have a relationship outside of the D/s, we have something to fall back on when the D/s is lagging behind.
I know myself. I know that having that outside relationship with Daddy is the most important thing. But it doesn’t stop me from missing the other stuff. And I don’t want to give up the really good things we’ve got together either.
Perhaps this is why I’m bah humbugging? We’ve settled into a comfortable place. We still have date nights. We still talk ALL the time. We still snuggle and schnoodle, laugh and try to make each other laugh. We eat together, do vanilla things together, and we still fall asleep in each other’s arms. He is attentive and charming and damned sexy. We do all those things that many women would give their favorite pair of shoes for. So I wonder why I’m not happy? Is it that I’m just TOO greedy?
I’ll admit that I miss the part of us that only saw each other a few times a week. The anticipation, the frustration, and the joy of finally being together at the end of the week. I should have known that living together would remove some of that. It’s really hard to anticipate the hottness of that first five minutes together, when I get home and start dinner and laundry.
In looking over my prior posts, I’d wondered if by moving in with Daddy I’d end up feeling like a maid, a cook or an errand girl. I worried that something would change that would make things feel more like just two people living in the same house, or that I’d no longer be seen as a cherished possession, but rather a fixture that nobody notices much unless it’s needed. And while I don’t exactly feel like that (I kind of like cooking and cleaning and shopping), I’m not sure that I still feel like I’m his little girl either. There’s something missing.
So what I’d like for Christmas is to get back what’s missing. I want to put the D/s back into the relationship. I want the scales rebalanced and still keep the other parts of us that work great. I want us to work as hard at keeping the D/s in our relationship as hard as we work at keeping the other stuff working great. I want to bring back the structure, the exploration, the edge, the ritual and the protocol that we’d begun and somehow lost. It seems too much like we’re a kinky couple who discovered that vanilla is pretty good, not to mention much EASIER.
I guess I want to be his little girl again. Even Christmas isn't the same when you're a grown up.
Posted by W at 8:53 AM