Monday, October 18, 2010

D/s Without the D/s? Impossible Changes Made Possible

It’s easy to write about the fun things that happen to me, the classes I’ve attended, the people I meet, and even discussions about, and my opinion of, bdsm theory. It’s far more difficult to write about those things that I don’t even want to think about.

In some respects, I suppose being in a D/s relationship makes it easier to find our way through problems that arise by virtue of the fact that because I’m owned, he has the right to my thoughts. Not to direct them, but to hear them. We’re good at negotiating (Moxie notwithstanding), and we’re pretty good at talking. I’m getting better anyway. He's always been better at that than I.

But those very thoughts which he demands to hear, are also sometimes things that I don’t want to give voice to. My uncertainties, my fears, my feelings. I don’t always want to share them with anyone, much less someone who may be hurt because I have them. It’s one of the reasons why I write my blog. So I can just regurgitate whatever floats across my brain, hopefully giving it some clarity and context so that I can look at it. And move on. Unfortunately, Daddy reads my blog. Not because he's my Daddy. But because he knows that I write how I feel.

I’ve always believed that keeping certain thoughts to myself would be better in the long run. I eventually get over myself, and usually find that many of the things that I think, aren’t reality. That’s one of the things about D/s that isn’t easy. When you’re with someone who expects you to fill in the status blanks of your brain, just how do you escape from having to THINK?

A recent conversation with Daddy concerning something that I had mulling around in my brain for a couple of months is just an example. It was something that was difficult to put into words, and I wanted to fully think about it and be able to express my feelings with some sort of clarity (although I will say that I mucked it up pretty badly anyway). Also it’s something that hadn’t really been bothering me enough to worry about, but recently it’s gotten to the point where I knew I was going to have to say something. Daddy is too tuned into my moods to be able to keep anything from him for very long.

Circumstances in life lately have created a situation where it’s not really a great idea for Daddy to hurt me, or for me to ask to be hurt. Vanilla events of life together have significantly impacted our ability to “get our kink on”. And we’ve talked about this sort of thing before. I’ve said to him before “hurt me because you love me, not because you’re angry with someone else”. And he knows himself well enough to know the difference. Neither of us would get what we need unless it was for each of us.

We’ve managed to keep up with some events, but more often than not, one or the other of us just doesn’t have it in us to go. He’s not in such a great headspace with everything he’s got on his plate and although I can be bratty sometimes, I also know when not to be. This is one of those situations in a real time D/s relationship where much of the “fun” aspects of the D/s needs to be stuffed in the closet for a bit. And for us, it’s not a great time to be either a masochist or a sadist. We can deal with that. We love each other more than enough to want to get through any rough patches that come along. And this another of the realities of D/s that people seldom talk about. Things change. In all relationships, things change. It’s how you handle those changes that is the test of your relationship. D/s or not.

But one of the consequences to putting one part of your life together over another for too long is that submissives tend to flounder. Lacking a clear focus, lacking direction and lacking specific dominance, what do submissives have to hold onto? We’re only half of a dynamic. We can’t create dominance to suit ourselves, anymore than a dom can create a submissive when there isn’t one already lurking. What do submissives DO when THEY have to take the lead role? And how does that change a relationship when the dominant is ready to regain control?

I’ve talked before about how hard it was for me to drop out of my “everyday” self when I drove to Daddy’s house when we were dating and get into my submissive self. It’s difficult for people to switch headspaces from one to the other. And the longer I wear my bossy, opinionated, and toppy self around Daddy, the harder it is for me to remember what it feels like to be his submissive. And I like being that. A Lot. I’m not all that thrilled with wearing my everyday self all the time. It’s draining on me. But even I know that sometimes Daddy needs to take care of himself more. I can help him, but the balance between submissive and everyday is difficult for me to see sometimes. It’s difficult to see the submissive through the forest of life.

I’ve noticed something about myself in the past couple of months. I still like taking care of him, and we still spend a lot of time together, we still have fun together, we still love each other, and I feel closer to him than I’ve ever been by virtue of living through this difficult time together. But as he’s had more and more things piling up on him, the less and less submissive I feel. I’m sure he’s noticed. It’s not something that you can hide for very long. But I’m also sure that he knows a one-sided coin has little value. I try to create activities that I can do for him, I try to continue things the way they’ve always been. I feel lost and confused sometimes. Looking to him for just an order, his hand on my throat, his hand in my hair...just something to show me that he still remembers that I’m his submissive, and not only his girlfriend. I forgot that changes happen. And I forgot that sometimes they’re not always for the worse. I’ve spent a couple of months learning about myself and finding new ways to explore my masochism from a different angle. It’s been interesting and fun, and I’m still there when Daddy needs me to be. It’s given me a new appreciation for how hard tops work. But still. I’ll be happy when my own life with Daddy gets back to more of a balanced place.

After spending time thinking this weekend after our talks, I’ll admit that what I’ve been most worried about is that after spending a lot of time being toppy (but not, however topping Daddy), being my everyday self, living a mostly vanilla life for a few months, leaving my submissive self only glimpses outside of the everyday, that he’d forget it existed. Or that I’d forget. Right now, the D/s is like an undercurrent in our relationship. But we've spent a lot of time building a relationship that includes D/s. Not a D/s relationship that doesn’t include everything else. I know that whatever happens, we’ll find a way to work through any changes. Together. It might take some time for him to be ready, and it might take some time for me to drop back into my place when he is, but he’s more than worth waiting for.

And that’s the truth about D/s. When things change, when circumstances change, and when life gets in the way of kink, if you’re still comfortable in your entire relationship together, if you can still talk, and if you are still committed to each other, the changes are more of a possibility of better things to come. The last time this kind of change happened in our life, I realized that I couldn't be a part-time party submissive. Perhaps this time, the changes signal that I'm ready to include more, not less, in our relationship.


CoyoteToo said...

It is very refreshing to read about D/s in real life, and so much of this resonates with me. Thank you for writing it.

Sinclair said...

Yes, yes. I know what you mean and I feel it too, and I have some of the similar struggles in my d/s dynamic. Lovely insight here, thank you.

buy a dildo said...

Yes, tops do work hard. We humans all have to work at maintaining a connection when distractions are piling up, but more so when we're expected to lead and we're just not feeling it.

When I saw the excerpt of your post on elust, I was expecting to find a post about hiding the d/s side of your relationship when company came by. This was very moving, and I'm glad it ended on an optimistic note.

Best of luck!