Friday, October 29, 2010

Service and Submission

I believe both sides of the / serve the other, granted in very different ways.

That was a quote by Sir_Russel that I read on Fetlife the other day in this thread : What is Service?. It struck a chord with me.

I’m not a service submissive. I don’t fool myself into thinking this, and I don’t believe that anyone with whom I’ve ever had a relationship with would put service in the top 10 of things that they’d say about me. It’s ok. Different strokes.

I believe in service IN submission, not service AS submission. And by that I mean, that there’s things I do for Daddy that I do which may be viewed to outsiders as “service”, but to me, they’re things I do because he’s my Daddy. I know there’s people who believe differently than I do. I’m not saying one is better or more valid than the other; I’m saying that I know what works for me.

An invitation to a High D/s Protocol event got me thinking about service. At first, I was more than a little irritated with the tone of the invitation. Even though Daddy reminded me that like any event, the person holding it was going for a particular vibe, a particular theme. And that I shouldn’t be offended by it. Some events, like some forms of submission are just not my cup of tea.

The more I thought about that event, the more riled up I got. (and to tell the truth, some few threads I'd been reading on Fetlife may have contributed to my riling). I just couldn’t figure out why. Which just made things worse. Why was I having a pissing contest with myself about an event that wasn’t mandatory? Why was I so annoyed? Was I even annoyed about the event itself? I could just say no and be done with it. Daddy’s wish to attend a “Chateau night” notwithstanding. Daddy also said that I needed to think about it because it obviously unleashed something in my brain.

I consider this a collision of bad timing in receiving that email combined with reading some really ridiculous threads on Fetlife.

After really thinking what got on my nerves so much about it, I realized that I care how others see submission. I care about generalities being promulgated about it, I care that others have fantasy-filled heads about “what submission should look like”. I care because very often, the words I hear directed towards me are "you're too bratty", "you're not a submissive" or worse, that Daddy isn't "a dominant". I've had my fair share of people questioning our public play style. My submission is mine. It doesn't look like anyone else's and because of that, it matters to me that people understand that my cup of tea may be different from theirs. Not better. Just different.

And I care that there are people out there that might feel being a submissive is only about service to dominants. Sometimes not even the one that owns you. I care that between the books and the chatboards, submission often looks like neediness, emotional instability, or sadly, even, just plain sad. Too many times do I see people asking questions about whether or not their relationship should look like something else, or they’re having problems with a particular kind of submission (pain, service, poly, whatever) that doesn’t work for them. Why do submissives think that just because someone else does something else, that their submission must be the same way? It makes me angry to see those questions simply because to ask them, the person hasn’t realized that the only thing that matters is how they live their own submission. As Daddy says: “your body is mine, your self is yours”.

It’s possible that because I had a disastrous entry into the scene myself, the result is that I've spent a lot of energy talking to submissives coming into the scene to stress that they need to have a good head on their shoulders and understand that despite what Sir Lord God Domly Dom believes, they don't owe him a damned thing. Other than reciprocal courtesy. RECIPROCAL courtesy. Unless and until you've negotiated otherwise, a dominant person is exactly equal in power to a submissive one. No more, no less. And in my opinion, a dominant anyone should never define your submission. To use a phrase that Daddy hates: it is what it is. Define your submission, and then find someone who shares the same definition. Bearing in mind of course that changes also happen. Deal with it.

It makes me a little angry that so much of the “book submission” has snuck its way into how people view submission as a whole. I’m also a little angry with submissives who think that they have to BE like other submissives, that they’re in competition with each other for “submissive of the year” or who can’t or won’t be true to their own particular type of submission.

My grandmother told me to never try to be something I’m not. It’s hard enough trying to be something you are.

I submit to one and only one person- sometimes not even willingly. I do it from a place of love, understanding, trust, and because I like to see him smile. It’s not easy for me being submissive most of the time. I’ve developed some very selfish habits over the past several years of being responsible for myself. The difference is, for the most part, Daddy is either willing to overlook those things, or they’re not behaviors that he cares to amend. In other words, some of the things that I do, he enjoys me doing them. Trust me. If he didn’t like them, he’d tell me.

And I like to believe that one of the things he’s always found in me that he didn’t want to change was my overall personality. I’m a strong, sassy, independent, intelligent, audacious, sharp-witted woman and a freaking powerhouse of energy, anger, and aggression when I have to be. I don’t need to submit to him or anyone. I choose to submit to him, because it feels right. For me. And the fact that he finds it a little bit hot for such a woman to submit to him doesn't hurt. Male ego and all I suppose (wink).

Do I serve Daddy? Sure. Does he serve me? Absolutely. I view submission as a very selfish act. I’d like to think it could be altruistic, but in reality I’m selfish. I do things for him to make him smile, and so that he’ll be more inclined and happier to do things for me that will make me smile. We service each other. He provides for my needs (and usually plenty of my wants), and I provide for his. It works for us not because I am a service submissive, but because I’m HIS submissive.

It doesn’t change my idea about the party. I’m still not going. I’d be horrible at living the rules of any dominant I’m not in love with, even for a short fantasy-filled event. Besides, I wouldn’t dream of ruining the fantasy for anyone. I'm sure it will be a lovely event for those so inclined. And I'm sure Daddy would really like to go. So I'm really sorry that in this case, my definition doesn't quite match.

All I dream of is that when the fantasy is over, that the reality of submission is remembered. It’s not easy, it can’t be found in books or chatboards, and it really can’t be done unless you’re honest with yourself about how much and what kind of service you’re willing to provide, and how much you expect from the other side of the Slash.

Photo Courtesy of Digiyesica.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

e[lust] Edition #21

Photo courtesy of Evocative Abyss

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #22? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

Important e[lust] update
: e[lust] will be going on hiatus for the holidays. The editions for November and December would both occur around the holidays and I know I'll be short on both submissions and judges as well as personal time. e[lust] #22 will return in January, with ample advance warning, so please make sure you're subscribed for updates!

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

D/s Without the D/s? - This is one of those situations in a real time D/s relationship where much of the “fun” aspects of the D/s needs to be stuffed in the closet for a bit. And for us, it’s not a great time to be either a masochist or a sadist. We can deal with that.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Yes, Jelly Sex Toys Can be Dangerous - Even if a jelly rubber toy says “phthalate-free”, it still can contain toxic chemicals that can cause skin reactions in some people. These toys are still non-porous and can harbor dirt and bacteria because they cannot be sanitized.

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Unfortunately, this edition has no Top Three picks as I didn't have enough volunteer judges. If you'd like to volunteer to help, visit this page to find out more info and ensure that the Top Three picks continue.

See also: Pleasurists #101 and #100 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

All Painted Up...

A Modest Proposal: Should Ginger & Cooper Fuck?

Happy Sexual Freedom Day

How Do You Explain

Life in spanking after 30: part 2

Erotic Writing


Fantasy: Movie Night

Feeling Helpless

Gabrielle, Guest Star

Happy Anniversary...

History Lesson

I Still Don't Know How You Taste

Monday Morning 2am

Metallic Seduction


New Erotic Story For The Holidays - Tinsel Temptation

Putting the car into park

The Ordeal (Part Four)

The Sweetest Violation

The Young Mom

The Moment

The Soccer Mom

Timeless in a Window's Light

Kink & Fetish

A space to hate and rage and be angry (photo story)

Beyond the Bedroom

Does liking Helmut Newton equal a fetish?

Happy Halloween: Light Me Up

I am all pins and needles

Kink and Fibromyalgia

Ownership and Monogamy

Punishing the servants


Switching It Up

The Cage

The Sacred Swinger Holiday: Halloween!

the most amazing night with HIM

The Pedicure

The Right Question

Wax on, wax off!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

All Roads Lead to Acceptance... I hope!

Crisis Averted

Dear boyfriend, I love you. And your cock.

Having Great Goddamned Expectations

If You Google it, I will Answer #9

I Don't Know If I've Ever Been Really Loved By a Hand That's Touched Me

How to Massage Man’s G-spot

My Coming Out Story

National Coming Out Day

Recovering From Anorexia

Role Reversal

Sadie's Condom PSA

Monday, October 25, 2010

Seduction and D/s

Seduction - To beguile or lure someone away from duty, accepted principles, or proper conduct. To lead astray; To entice or induce someone to engage in a sexual relationship; To win over or attract someone.

To lure, beguile and entice.

Read any book, blog or website offering advice on how to maintain a happy sexual relationship, and that word will show up eventually. From dressing in plastic wrap and meeting your man at the door to the right perfumes and lingerie to wear to the various methods of crossing your legs while wearing a skirt, much has been made in the way of how to accomplish seduction.

Seduction involves an element of uncertainty. It involves mental gymnastics, innuendo, whispers, touches and looks that are meant to make your toes tingle, unleash butterflies in your stomach, and leave your good sense behind. It is to be swept up in a longing and need that results in passion. It involves enticing someone into something that they might not even know they want, until faced with the choice of not having it at all. It’s temptation, it’s heart-thumping excitement; it’s a careful dance, it’s fear, it’s fire and it’s darned sexy. It is an art learned from the earliest age when a young girl first learns the power of the hair swoop over her shoulder and downward face, upward glance, or when a young man first learns the power behind looking into a girl’s eyes and speaking softly about what those eyes do to him. It’s power as an aphrodisiac. Power in yourself, your sexuality and in someone’s desire for you.

For me, seduction starts with words, with a smile, with a soft voice whispered in my ear (preferably in Spanish) and a touch on my bare shoulder. It does not start with him calling me his bitch, pushing me to my knees and telling me to suck his cock. As nice as that is sometimes.

During one of my thinks, shortly after Daddy had to jump out of bed to meet the boy somewhere, it occurred to me yesterday that one of the things that I miss in a D/s relationship is the element of seduction. When getting a blow job is a sure bet simply by pushing me to my knees and unzipping his pants, I began to wonder if seduction is even possible in a D/s relationship. Does negotiating around boundaries about what you won’t do remove the element of uncertainty that is necessary for seduction? Where is the motivation to lure, beguile and entice if you’ve already talked your way around nearly everything, or if there's little that you won't already do in the way of things typically thought of as needing seduction? If you know you’re gonna get a blow job whenever you’d like one simply because you own your girl, is there really any reason to seduce her?

And if you know that he can just push your face onto his cock and get that blow job, or worse yet, let you suck his cock because you ASKED to do it, is there really any motivation to try a seduction?

To me, seduction in a D/s relationship ranks right up there with a whole list of really silly things that seem to be fun to play around with, but which I have no real idea how they work in real life D/s. Begging. Talking Dirty. Seduction. The more I try to figure out how those things are applicable to a relationship where I beg because he asks for it (not necessarily because I want it); where I talk dirty as a matter of course, where seduction is a power that I try to have over the one who has the power, the more I wonder if I just need a whole new dictionary.

I also began to wonder if I’d lost something by negotiating, talking, discussing, and planning the parameters of my D/s relationship. Have I lost the uncertainty of what he’s going to want from me and the spontaneity of being taken over by my excitement in his enticement? Where exactly IS the lure? Especially when there’s very little in the way of “proper conduct” that I won’t voluntarily engage in? And especially when I know that there’s little chance of him turning me down for that blow job. For more than a few minutes anyway.

How do YOU put seduction into your D/s? I’m not talking romance- flowers and candlelight. I’m talking purely seducing your partner as a testament to your own power? Or shouldn’t good little submissives want to keep some of their seductive powers intact?

When you’re in a D/s relationship, talk about the conduct of that relationship in such a great detail, and do some pretty awful things with each other on a regular basis, is there really any room for the power of a seduction?

Photo Credit:

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Do You Really Want to Burn Bridges?


January 12, 2009 was the day I was desperately trying to find a way to talk to this adorable guy I’d met a few days before. It was the day I decided that I wasn’t going to wait for him to figure out I was attracted to him by sending coyly worded messages through Fetlife. It was the day I knew I had to find some way to open a dialogue with him in order to get into his pants. It was the day I asked that infamous question which at first seemed so innocuous- “what’s twitter?”

In the almost 2 years since then, I’ve logged 14,161 (as of this moment) tweets, have followed many interesting people, and have eventually met nearly 2/3 of them. I’ve also carried on a major flirtation with that adorable guy who I now call Daddy. Twitter has been my lifeline during times I’ve been alone; my source for information and the tweeps have made me smile, laugh, learn and think. Ask a question on twitter regarding any topic and somebody has an answer.

But after watching my tweetstream yesterday become populated with comments about why some found it ridiculous or offensive that many tweeps were wearing purple in support of Spirit Day, I’d signed off for the day. I’d had enough. I was so disgusted with some of the tweets that I didn’t even want to log back in this morning. It saddened me that some people could be offended that badly, simply by people wearing purple and tweeting about it. I wondered if I should just give up supporting anything and go back to talking with my friends and flirting with Daddy.

I’d wondered why some people were offended by the idea of Spirit Day. I mean, we have Veteran’s Day in which we honor our service members (even if you don’t agree with the wars in which they’ve fought). We have Mother’s Day in which we honor our mothers. And we have Independence Day in which we honor beer and fireworks. (ok, so I’m kidding). Why get your panties all in a bunch about honoring the memory of those kids who reached the end of endurance? Why is remembering them by wearing purple and perhaps opening a dialogue with someone about why you're doing it so awful that you'd have to snark at people for it?

So to all those naysayers and bitchy tweeps who got offended by Spirit Day, all I can say is that I obviously didn’t do it to support you. You don’t need “my” support. I’m happy for you. I’m glad that you realize that you’ve got everything in your own life under control. You’ve got all the “rights” you’ll ever need and you’ll never get offended in a group of people who may question even your right to live. Not everyone is so lucky though. My support of Spirit Day wasn’t for you. It was for all those others that aren’t as lucky as you.

But before you get all whiny about whether or not allies are really allies, whether wearing purple is a good or bad thing, or whether or not it’s a bandwagon and silly, I’d ask you to remember a few things.

I don’t *have* to support anything. I’m a cis-gendered, heterosexual woman. I can live my life perfectly well within existing laws and societal mores with very little problem. I can ignore GLBTQ everything if I wish to. Disdain my support, in whatever form that it takes, and there’s little reason for me to fight to have you accept it.

But don’t ever make a mistake and think that I have no stake in the problems experienced by the GLBTQ community. I’m not supporting you if you don’t want my support. I’m supporting the people in my life that mean everything to me. Those people for whom my support matters a great deal. My sister. My friends Jon and Gerry.

And most especially for my granddaughter. You see, without my “support”, she’s liable to grow up to think exactly the same way that my parents and grandparents do about “fags”.

I’m a bridge between what was, and what could be.

So ask yourself, do you really want to burn this particular bridge?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Tweeps Support Spirit Day 10/20/10

yep, I wore purple

October 20, 2010 is Wear Purple Day. I'll be wearing purple, will you? If you do, send me a picture or a link to your own blog and I'll repost it here.

Here's some of my twitter friends who have graciously given permission for their purple tweeple pics to be reposted:

girlMouse is wearing purple!

and so is coyotetoo

And ReneesAccount and lambie

And Septimus1812 made an effort
with the purple ink

A special friend and something of a mentor to me:

And another tweep: Radagast22 with
a BKP souvenier.

Wear Purple Online and Offline on Wednesday, October 20 to remember LGBT Youth

Americans Urged to Show Support for LGBT Youth on Spirit Day

October 18, 2010, New York, NY –October 18, 2010, New York, NY – The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) today joined millions of community members and allies to support lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) youth by participating in Spirit Day and remembering those teens who have taken their own lives as a result of bullying.

Spirit Day, created by teenager Brittany McMillan earlier this month, now counts millions of Americans committed on Facebook to wearing the color purple on Wednesday, October 20, 2010.

In addition to wearing the color purple, GLAAD is also asking Americans to turn their Facebook and Twitter photos purple until Wednesday and to share messages of support for LGBT youth. For more information on the free application and suggested messages, please visit

"I will be wearing purple on Spirit Day," said GLAAD President Jarrett Barrios. "The tragic suicides of our youth have started an important dialogue among Americans about the dangers of bullying, and now is the time to show our children that millions of Americans accept and value them regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity."

Purple symbolizes 'spirit' on the rainbow flag, a symbol for LGBT Pride that was created by Gilbert Baker in 1978. The goal of Spirit Day is to show LGBT youth who are victims of anti-LGBT bullying and harassment that there is a vast community of people who support them. As the event’s Facebook page says: "This event is not a seminar nor is it a rally. There is NO meeting place. All you have to do is wear purple."

Last week after receiving thousands of concerned e-mails from constituents, GLAAD worked with Facebook to develop a solution to address violent and hateful anti-LGBT comments posted to a Spirit Day Facebook event page. That page now has over one million people confirmed to participate.

For more information please visit these events on Facebook: "R.I.P. ;; In memory of the recent suicides due to gay abuse, wear purple" and Spirit Day, A GLOBAL Day of remembering.

LGBT youth in need of immediate help should contact The Trevor Project 's 24/7 Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386) or The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Also check out Dan Savage's It Gets Better video project on Youtube.

Monday, October 18, 2010

D/s Without the D/s? Impossible Changes Made Possible

It’s easy to write about the fun things that happen to me, the classes I’ve attended, the people I meet, and even discussions about, and my opinion of, bdsm theory. It’s far more difficult to write about those things that I don’t even want to think about.

In some respects, I suppose being in a D/s relationship makes it easier to find our way through problems that arise by virtue of the fact that because I’m owned, he has the right to my thoughts. Not to direct them, but to hear them. We’re good at negotiating (Moxie notwithstanding), and we’re pretty good at talking. I’m getting better anyway. He's always been better at that than I.

But those very thoughts which he demands to hear, are also sometimes things that I don’t want to give voice to. My uncertainties, my fears, my feelings. I don’t always want to share them with anyone, much less someone who may be hurt because I have them. It’s one of the reasons why I write my blog. So I can just regurgitate whatever floats across my brain, hopefully giving it some clarity and context so that I can look at it. And move on. Unfortunately, Daddy reads my blog. Not because he's my Daddy. But because he knows that I write how I feel.

I’ve always believed that keeping certain thoughts to myself would be better in the long run. I eventually get over myself, and usually find that many of the things that I think, aren’t reality. That’s one of the things about D/s that isn’t easy. When you’re with someone who expects you to fill in the status blanks of your brain, just how do you escape from having to THINK?

A recent conversation with Daddy concerning something that I had mulling around in my brain for a couple of months is just an example. It was something that was difficult to put into words, and I wanted to fully think about it and be able to express my feelings with some sort of clarity (although I will say that I mucked it up pretty badly anyway). Also it’s something that hadn’t really been bothering me enough to worry about, but recently it’s gotten to the point where I knew I was going to have to say something. Daddy is too tuned into my moods to be able to keep anything from him for very long.

Circumstances in life lately have created a situation where it’s not really a great idea for Daddy to hurt me, or for me to ask to be hurt. Vanilla events of life together have significantly impacted our ability to “get our kink on”. And we’ve talked about this sort of thing before. I’ve said to him before “hurt me because you love me, not because you’re angry with someone else”. And he knows himself well enough to know the difference. Neither of us would get what we need unless it was for each of us.

We’ve managed to keep up with some events, but more often than not, one or the other of us just doesn’t have it in us to go. He’s not in such a great headspace with everything he’s got on his plate and although I can be bratty sometimes, I also know when not to be. This is one of those situations in a real time D/s relationship where much of the “fun” aspects of the D/s needs to be stuffed in the closet for a bit. And for us, it’s not a great time to be either a masochist or a sadist. We can deal with that. We love each other more than enough to want to get through any rough patches that come along. And this another of the realities of D/s that people seldom talk about. Things change. In all relationships, things change. It’s how you handle those changes that is the test of your relationship. D/s or not.

But one of the consequences to putting one part of your life together over another for too long is that submissives tend to flounder. Lacking a clear focus, lacking direction and lacking specific dominance, what do submissives have to hold onto? We’re only half of a dynamic. We can’t create dominance to suit ourselves, anymore than a dom can create a submissive when there isn’t one already lurking. What do submissives DO when THEY have to take the lead role? And how does that change a relationship when the dominant is ready to regain control?

I’ve talked before about how hard it was for me to drop out of my “everyday” self when I drove to Daddy’s house when we were dating and get into my submissive self. It’s difficult for people to switch headspaces from one to the other. And the longer I wear my bossy, opinionated, and toppy self around Daddy, the harder it is for me to remember what it feels like to be his submissive. And I like being that. A Lot. I’m not all that thrilled with wearing my everyday self all the time. It’s draining on me. But even I know that sometimes Daddy needs to take care of himself more. I can help him, but the balance between submissive and everyday is difficult for me to see sometimes. It’s difficult to see the submissive through the forest of life.

I’ve noticed something about myself in the past couple of months. I still like taking care of him, and we still spend a lot of time together, we still have fun together, we still love each other, and I feel closer to him than I’ve ever been by virtue of living through this difficult time together. But as he’s had more and more things piling up on him, the less and less submissive I feel. I’m sure he’s noticed. It’s not something that you can hide for very long. But I’m also sure that he knows a one-sided coin has little value. I try to create activities that I can do for him, I try to continue things the way they’ve always been. I feel lost and confused sometimes. Looking to him for just an order, his hand on my throat, his hand in my hair...just something to show me that he still remembers that I’m his submissive, and not only his girlfriend. I forgot that changes happen. And I forgot that sometimes they’re not always for the worse. I’ve spent a couple of months learning about myself and finding new ways to explore my masochism from a different angle. It’s been interesting and fun, and I’m still there when Daddy needs me to be. It’s given me a new appreciation for how hard tops work. But still. I’ll be happy when my own life with Daddy gets back to more of a balanced place.

After spending time thinking this weekend after our talks, I’ll admit that what I’ve been most worried about is that after spending a lot of time being toppy (but not, however topping Daddy), being my everyday self, living a mostly vanilla life for a few months, leaving my submissive self only glimpses outside of the everyday, that he’d forget it existed. Or that I’d forget. Right now, the D/s is like an undercurrent in our relationship. But we've spent a lot of time building a relationship that includes D/s. Not a D/s relationship that doesn’t include everything else. I know that whatever happens, we’ll find a way to work through any changes. Together. It might take some time for him to be ready, and it might take some time for me to drop back into my place when he is, but he’s more than worth waiting for.

And that’s the truth about D/s. When things change, when circumstances change, and when life gets in the way of kink, if you’re still comfortable in your entire relationship together, if you can still talk, and if you are still committed to each other, the changes are more of a possibility of better things to come. The last time this kind of change happened in our life, I realized that I couldn't be a part-time party submissive. Perhaps this time, the changes signal that I'm ready to include more, not less, in our relationship.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Talking About the Taboo: It's Not Just Moxie

The last week or so has been a bit of a whirlwind for me. I attended a caning class held by NEDS on Friday, and on Sunday, Daddy and I attended a wonderful conference being hosted by HiOhMegan at her wonderful Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health.

There were many great speakers and dozens of advocacy groups in attendance. The topic of the conference was Talking About the Taboo. And because the subjects were important, and the speakers were all people I’d have love to have seen, it was DAMNED difficult to choose which sessions to attend. Since I’m as much a sucker for a beautiful woman as the next girl, for the first session we choose to see Logan Levkoff.

Logan is a study in contrasts. She looks more like any other suburban soccer mom. But she’s a smart lady, who spoke honestly about how she has dealt with media in discussing a “Taboo” subject that is important, but one that tends to freak more people out than not. And that is, how to speak to children about sexuality. She showed us how real life “news” interviews work, and talked to us about how she advocates effectively against the biased and skewed opinions of some television hosts and opponents. She showed how body language, attitude, and being really prepared can make a difference so that one doesn’t come off like a freak, but instead presents as an effective educator of sexuality. She also mentioned that it didn’t hurt that she looks like a suburban soccer mom. Not that someone with purple hair and facial piercings and tattoos can’t BE a soccer mom, but when you’re dealing with people whose goal is obfuscate the real issues, it’s better to at least LOOK like you’re on their team.

She described the rudeness sometimes found even from those who have requested her to speak to a subject. She also talked about how she handles the hate email and messages she gets after an appearance. (Hint: she says to respond to it in a forum that you control)

And she touched on what the arguments about sexuality almost always hide. Almost always, when dealing with the subject of sexuality and children, one topic usually wends its way into the conversation. Sometimes so subtly that it’s missed. And that subject is generally the “gay problem”. What people seem to be afraid of more than anything else is that by teaching children that it’s OK to be gay their children will BE gay. Somehow that thought scares people from wanting to be honest with children. And in light of recent events, this attitude seems like a pretty sure-fire way to cause more and more of the same vitriol that has contributed to the horrific suicides and self-harm that of many young people.

All in all, Logan was a fabulous speaker. She is charming, well-prepared and one smart lady. I think I'll add another to my growing list of women I respect and admire and will definitely want to hear again and again.

For the second session, Daddy and I split up. He went to Audacia Ray's talk on media tactics, while I went to see Charlie Glickman's talk on Sex Positivity and Sexual Authenticity. Charlie was also funny, if not exactly as adorable as Logan was. What I took away from his talk were many new ideas concerning my own relationship to sex, communication, and more importantly that it's perfectly ok for me to develop new relationships to both of those things as I change. That's always difficult I think. Learning that I'm actually going to change at points in my life and that things I didn't like before, I might actually enjoy sometime in the future. Of course, this might mean I'll have to try the damned MOXIE again. I'm just not sure if I'm brave enough for that particular perversion at the moment.

After the discussions, I put some bids on items that the CSPH was auctioning off. We managed to take home an Njoy butt plug, some toys for Daddy, and a NELA package.

And, of course, we had the infamous Moxie tasting with Debaucheddiva and Princess Kali. Two friends that are not going to kill me, but also two whose taste in beverages leaves me wondering if I should take InsomniasBitch's offer up on the Cel-Ray next time.

It was a great day at the CSPH. Megan Andelloux is a wonderful host, and I'm looking forward to visiting her facility again, and attending the Third Annual Conference.

PS: If you're interested, check out this twitter hashtag for some quotes from the conference.

PPS: Maymay also did a Kink On Tap from the conference, so if you want to see for yourself, check it out here: Kink On Tap

And PPPS: Here's the infamous video of the Moxie tasting. Thanks to Debaucheddiva and Princess Kali for being such good sports (even if I do NOW question their taste buds)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Unintended Consequences of Social Media

A bit of an odd thing happened on twitter last night. It’s a great reminder about those unintended consequences of social media.

A group of us Boston kinksters started a band of tweeters called the BKP. We use that group to notify people in the area, or those planning a trip to the area, of public tweetups. We usually hold them in public venues, mostly because it’s sort of like a munch for kinky tweeps. We’re friends, so we often get together privately as well. And of course, because we love a good time, we often induct people into the BKP at those private parties. But generally, the BKP was founded to promote and advertise tweetups.

Last night, there was some unintended consequences with one of the BKP’ers planning a tweetup for poutine. It morphed into a private party, and people who didn’t realize it, started inviting themselves. It also left my DM box full of messages from people asking for details about the tweetup because they wanted to attend.

I want to apologize to those people who asked me for details. I didn't know anything about it and although I started the group on Fetlife, I'm not the hall monitor. BKP'ers can set up tweetups or parties as they like. If they're public events, I'd hope they'd post them for the world to see. If not, I'd also like to think that they'd be kept a little more on the QT.

Parties around here are usually private events, with guest lists set by the hosts. Mostly due to them being in their homes and space requirements. Those of us having parties don't want unknown people just showing up, and chancing things turning into a frat-party. And one of the unwritten rules (which maybe SHOULD be written, but I've no idea where to do it) is that you don't talk openly about which party you're attending. Taken out of the kink world, how would you feel if your friends were holding a party and you weren't invited? Within the kink world, it's no different. That's because we're people. With feelings. And nobody likes to be left out of the fun.

Myself? I was extremely hurt that some people that I consider very good friends, including one that I consider a BEST friend, started tweeting about an event that was ostensibly a BKP event, but to which I wasn't invited. It hurts to think that I'm disposable in their lives.

I'll get over it. We're friends after all. And friends move on and move forward and learn their lessons and take their lumps.

But it would have been a whole lot easier to go on believing that it was just a group of people getting together for something, than it would be to think that I was kicked out of the BKP simply because I don't tweet on weekends.

Think before you talk. Social Media has a larger audience than you'd ever think. And even if people aren't talking, they're certainly listening.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Tip of the Top and BadBadGirlx

As anyone who is on my twitter stream knows by now, @b_playful, @badbadgirlx, @girlmouse and I had a little bit of fun in New York City after the Kink Academy Open House. What’s a couple of bloggers, a rigger and a mouse to do with some time on their hands and a wonderful view?

BadBadGirl (Miss April in the NYC Sexblogger Calendar, if you didn’t know) was *very* vocal about her need to get “tied up and beat with something” all afternoon. In fact, if I didn’t know better, I’d have thought that she was just trying to see if B_Playful and I were up to her antics.

We were. Much to her surprise, and to our delight.

B-Playful and I had talked for a bit about what we’d do for BadBadGirl. I’m not much into rigging, and he’s not much into impact. Alone, we’d have disappointed her, but together, our smiling faces and fun demeanor hid a very dark secret for BadBadGirl. I’m much more of a sadist than I’d ever have imagined when such a beautiful bottom is all tied up for me. She started thinking that she could run the show (she IS a bit of domme after all). She found out that as much as I bitch about topping, when I get the chance to do it the way I want to, no amount of sassy is gonna save her ass.

I’m sure BadBadGirl will blog about her experience one of these days (I’ll be really disappointed if she doesn’t- LOL), but I also wanted to write about mine.

I hadn’t seriously topped anyone in more than ten years. Over the past decade, I’ve topped rarely. My relationships have been on the bottomside, and I haven’t really gotten the chance to do things the way I like. Daddy is also very uncomfortable with me topping boys. There’s a few friends he’ll make an exception for. He’s also never seen me seriously top anyone. Recently, I’d topped @Radagast22 in what was a very fun flogging scene with feathers, bubbles and singing (don’t ask, you really had to be there), but it’d been far too long since I got a chance to seriously top such a beautiful woman. BadBadGirl gave me a chance to explore a part of me that I haven’t let loose in so long, I’d almost forgotten I had it in me. But since Daddy is also ok with me and girls, and I did kind of clue him into what we were planning, my only regret was that he wasn’t there to see it.

I will admit that I used a lot of Daddy’s best stuff. But what I enjoyed the most was finding all those yummy headspaces for BadBadGirl and taking some of those memories she'd been trying to hold onto all weekend, and re-working them into something a little different from how she might think of them. Really early on in the night, I asked her if she was gonna cry for me. She replied no, with a bratty little giggle of her own. When I bent over her, grabbed a fist full of her hair, and asked her if she wanted to bet, I’m sure she wondered if her friend, the giggly shoe slut had just been replaced by an alien. And when she finally did give me those tears, I just sighed and thought about how much I'd missed doing this.

Afterwards, B_Playful and I were talking and he said that he'd learned something very important from watching me. He's usually so focused on the rope, when he has to take someone out of it, he didn't really know how to finish the scene. Speaking as a bottom, that's one of the biggest issues with rope I think. So I'm hoping that he'll take that and use it to someone else's pleasure.

I’m gonna stop here and hope for a more detailed version from BadBadGirl soon. She writes this stuff much better than I ever could and I’m looking forward to reading it. I know I was there, but I also found out one other important thing that I’d forgotten.

Just how great topspace can be when you least expect it.

Photo Credits: Rigging by B_Playful and photography by GirlMouse.

The Limits of Good Taste and Moxie

Daddy is a jokester. But this time, he opened a can of worms that just can’t seem to be closed.

There was a tweet thread about Moxie. You know, the disgusting drink that tastes like wet dog fur smells? He likes it. I do not. When I found out he liked it, I hastily added it to my ever growing list of hard limits on things I’ve tasted and hated. Gefilte fish being one of the others.

Being a jokester, he started a thread on Fetlife asking if my adding a new hard limit was kosher. The responses were fascinating.

Of course limits are meant to be fluid. They’re meant to change and move as we change a grow, discover things about ourselves, and as we find things that we’d never thought about before. That part is right on target. Most of the people answering that thread understand that concept. (big sigh of relief)

But what I found interesting was a few statements, clarifying the meaning of the “limits change” answers which got my back up. If limits change, are meant to be fluid, adaptable, and because you’re dealing with HUMANS, these statements, make no sense to me. If a heretofore unknown limit of either party is found, it still becomes a limit of the person. No amount of D/s, M/s or coercion should ever come into play when coming upon one of those limits. Limits are limits for a reason. And just like safewords (you already know my thoughts on those), shouldn’t be fucked around with solely for amusement of the other party.

Some of the statements which I found most interesting, and which admittedly are taken out of context a bit, are below. Reading them alone doesn’t dilute the message in the rest of the statements:

1) It would depend on whether or not you had an agreement that there would be no new limits.

2) Do you have rules against growth and communication? If so, then whether it is acceptable or not would be dictated by those rules

3) If it's not kosher for you, walk. If you can deal with it, stay. The third option "Explain that you won't allow new hard limits, and she can leave if she doesn't like it"

4) I know that to a Dom, being in control is important (believe me, I know) - and if it were me, I'd have her come to me on her knees, and beg me to add this to her list of hard limits.

5) I guess she didn't ask you, did she? She informed you, eh?

6) Your question being Is this kosher? Without knowing more about any contract or even what limit has now become hard can not be answered.

7) It is common for newer submissives to say that they have no hard limits.

Without going into great detail about myself, I am a well-experienced submissive and am very sure of myself, my needs and my relationship with Septimus. We talk, discuss, argue, negotiate, and renegotiate probably more than I’ve done with any other person in my entire life. I don’t add things to my limits list just because I don’t like something. Especially if he does. And I certainly don’t add things that we’ve been doing just because I suddenly decide one day that I no longer want that. At least without discussing it. But I will add things that I know wouldn’t be “good” for me. I’ve tried all of the things on my limits list and I’ve even removed a few of them since meeting him. Our relationship has changed over time, and things that I wouldn’t do with just anyone, I am perfectly comfortable doing with him.

But I’d like to explain my annoyance with the above seven statements.

1) No, it wouldn’t matter if there was an agreement concerning no new limits. For the reason that it’s impossible to predict, plan, and cover every conceivable permutation of every imaginable thing on earth. It’s impossible to know that your partner likes Moxie, if you’ve never seen them drink it, and wouldn’t imagine in a hundred years that anyone would. Should I spend all my time going through every dictionary and thesaurus trying to find the things that I disliked, just on the off chance he might?

2) Acceptable rules are those that you both agree to. If one person suddenly springs a new one on you, despite any agreement, it’s still something you need to discuss outside of your D/s relationship. Do people really have rules against growth and communication? If so, they’re not in a D/s relationship. They’re perilously close to being in an abusive one.

3) So the answer to coming up on a new hard limit is suck it up or walk? Easier said than done my friend. It works in the books, but rarely is it so easy in real life. I’ve too much invested in my relationship to just walk away. If the answer to not having the opportunity to add a new limit is that I have to give up the rest of my life, then it’s no wonder that those checklists are so popular. Add everything in first, and take away afterwards would be the only alternative. I also wouldn’t be able to TRUST someone who gave me the only choice of “my way or the highway”. Especially after we’ve spent so much time and effort on building a relationship together. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve got some things that I just won’t do. And I’m not aware of what they all are at the moment.

4) Begging to add a limit? This might work. But what if he says “no”? Does it then become “not a limit”? If simply begging to add a limit is the answer, then why do it at all? Begging not to be harmed is not the same thing as begging to be fucked.

5) Informed meaning that I told him that something that he previously hadn’t told me he liked, was something that I hadn’t previously told him that I hated? Of course I informed him. You betcher ass I informed him. Self-preservation is pretty high on my list of must do’s. But look at it from a D/s perspective and I’d still have to inform him. He doesn’t like to play with broken toys.

6) It really makes no difference WHAT the limit is. If it’s something that we hadn’t known, whether he really liked it, or whether I really hated it, it’s a limit. It makes no difference if it’s Moxie, or if it’s chainsaws. If it’s something we WERE doing, that I no longer wished to do, that might need some more explanation and discovery. But if it’s new for both of you, then I think it’s perfectly acceptable for me to say no, while he says yes. He can get his Moxie elsewhere. I'll even watch :)

7) Apparently it’s fairly common for many submissives to say they don’t have very many hard limits. Mostly because they’re thinking of what could be done TO me or used on me”. They’re thinking needles, knives, and chainsaws. I’m betting that there would be a whole lot more things on some people’s lists if they had to think of absolutely everything in their lives that they disliked. Don’t like the color red? Don’t like sherbert? Don’t like certain sounds? Better add those to your limits list pronto! Otherwise, you’re liable to end up with a sadist who will dress you in red clothing, make you eat sherbert while listening to Barry Manilow.

However, I found one answer to be right on the mark

“Once, during negotiation, I mentioned my standard stuff which are general~ so general that it covers much ex: no bodily fluids takes out cutting, needles, snowballing etc. The dominant in question responded with you are new. I asked how he knew and he told me only a new person who hasn't tried much has so few limits. From this I gather that one can expect their submissive to gain limits as time goes on. -non-“

And this is exactly how limits should be viewed. You have a relationship, you try things together, you learn about each other and yourselves during the process and make a decision on whether or not you’re ever going to do them again. The maxim I use for limits is that they’re like silly putty, rather than a rod of steel.

If limits are anything else, and if adding new ones is a breach of those rules for BDSM (of which I still haven’t seen a copy), then instead of talking and exploring with each other, we’d have to start any relationship with that dictionary and thesaurus instead of enjoying the journey together.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Discovering The People in Sex Blogging

New York City skyline with Empire State Building

I spent the past weekend in NY attending the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar Release party and the Kink Academy Open House. (PS: You really should buy a calendar, it’s for a good cause and the pictures will make you smile, especially Miss April)

I’d been looking forward to this weekend for months. But when Daddy told me shortly before it that he wasn’t going, my anticipation of a weekend with Daddy turned into just another anticipated disappointment. But he wanted me to go. So I went. With a bus ticket in hand, but without any sort of plan about just what the hell I’d do in NY alone, I had no idea that by the end of the weekend, my brain would be nearly exploding with everything I learned. So many people touched my life this weekend in so many different ways, that I can’t possibly thank everyone. But I’ll do my best ::wink::

First, I have to express my gratitude to @b_playful. Had he not let me crash with him in NY, I’d have not gone. He was already “full up” with @badbadgirlx and @girlmouse staying with him, and I felt like a beggar, imposing myself into the situation. However, I find nothing more lonely than being in a hotel room by myself, especially in a strange city, and his “home for wayward girls” felt like a safe place, full of laughter and warmth. A funny thing happened in that hotel room filled with makeup, shoes, clothing and rope. During this weekend, he became a friend. He became a real person behind his avatar. Whenever I think about this weekend, one of my favorite memories will be his sleepy head popping up from being buried between the pillows, with his charming smile and the twinkle in his eyes and telling the rest of us that we were up too damned early. I learned that there’s a real man, a hell of a guy, and a smart cookie behind the playfulness. Perhaps one of the best things I learned from him was while we were all talking and he stopped to ask me a “personal question”. It really wasn’t all that personal, and we all kind of chuckled at it. But it was a question about my “real life”, not my kinky one. At that moment, I realized that I was truly building a community around me. By talking about my “real life”, I was letting my kinky friends into a part of me that didn’t exist before. It didn’t feel like a risk, it felt like I could finally just be myself. I’ll never be able to repay his kindness to me this weekend. Maybe someday I’ll be able to pay it forward.

I also have to thank @debaucheddiva and @urban_gypsy. Time and time again whenever I run into these wonderfully smart and savvy women, I’m awed. Their passion for what they do is apparent. They’re beautiful, real women who just happen to be activists for a segment of society that often has no voice or whose voices are all too often overpowered by those who want to pretend that they don’t exist. It’s really hard to speak quietly, thoughtfully, and sanely when you’ve got people who only care to criticize, ridicule, and ignore. They always make me feel welcome, they allow me to ask questions, and I never feel stupid for having to learn everything. I’m taking my first baby steps into realizing that this is an area that needs smaller voices, just as surely as it needs Audacia Ray’s. Having breakfast with Diva and Tess, and walking on the streets of NYC with Diva, talking not about kink or sex, but about family, problems that were being experienced, and how the balance is sometimes difficult, they became more than their avatars and their blogs. And besides, not only that, Diva and Tess throw one hell of a party!

I have to also thank @Mollena. This is a weird one for me. I’ve been a huge fan of hers ever since I met her at Shibaricon a couple of years ago. I’ve read her blog and followed her antics on twitter and fetlife. I love a woman who also has questions and searches for the answers. I saw Mollena at the Kink Academy open house. She was sitting quietly, by herself, looking as beautiful as ever. And I didn’t want to intrude. But, being a fangirl, it’s almost impossible not to. I tried to temper my intrusion with trying to figure out how to say what I’d wanted to tell her for the past year. I finally had the chance to just talk to her. I asked her not about kink, but about how she felt being away from home so often. Her answer made me smile, but her face made me so sad. As much as she loves what she does, and as much as I’m grateful that she does it, I saw a woman who also misses making dinner for someone, sitting in her own livingroom with her feet up on the chair, and sleeping in her own bed with someone special. I don’t think she regrets her path, but in order to give to the community as much as someone like Mollena does, choices have to be made. I think I got a glimpse into the special person that Mo is. Not the personality, but the person.

And finally, I have to thank @badbadgirlx. She allowed me the privilege to explore a part of myself that I rarely allow out anymore. Being in a relationship with Daddy, that part of me is something that I put away a couple of years ago. It was a choice I made. I’m sure that she didn’t quite know what she’d gotten herself in for when she mentioned it, and I’m sure that she didn’t have really any idea that I could be like that. She was a good sport, a wonderful bottom and she is a dear friend. We shared a lot this weekend. It was odd to me, that two people who spend more time just tweeting at each other, who have only met in person a few times, could share all that we did. We trusted each other in different ways. I hope that she knows how much I value that friendship and trust. I can’t think of another woman I’ve met in the last 20 years, with whom I’ve shared that much of myself. She’s a special lady and a special friend.

I met some really wonderful twitterers. AliceSinAerie, InsomniasBitch, MaxLagos, Siniful, Pinkcheek45, urNaughtyAngel, Hubman38 and VeronicaASM to name a few. There were also some of my past met twitter friends, Trialsinner, Spunquee, _Ten_10, StacyCat, VerafromFYN and ADSR500 among them. And of course, two of my favorite women, Princess_Kali and HiOhMegan. I was surprised at just how many people I’d been tweeting with who were there. I was happy to spend even a little time talking to them all. And the thing that struck me about meeting the tweeps is that they’re just as wonderful in person, as they are on twitter. It makes me happy that I choose who to follow based on personality and I’m not disappointed when I finally meet them.

And finally, I want to thank Daddy. As usual, he knew what was best. As much as I missed him, I'd have missed a whole lot more had I not gone.

(Damn I hate it when he's always right!)