I’ve got an issue that I’m currently dealing with and I’ve gone on an internet search to see how other people deal with the same thing. My search parameters were rather wide on this one, but the key phrase I looked for was D/s or M/s. I was looking for how others reacted and adapted their own relationships while dealing with this same issue.
I was disappointed with what I got. I found thousands of blogs concerning D/s and M/s: how-to’s, manuals for kneeling, fantastical descriptions of kinky sex, fantasy, and scenes. I got the typical “warning signs” sites; the “this is what X means” sites; the “epitome of submission and dominance” sites; and the expected “rules” for every conceivable activity” site.
I read hundreds of blog entries. And after a while, I began to feel more like a voyeur into someone’s online diary of kinky sex stories, rather than a kindred spirit trying to just figure this out.
The “this” is of course, submission. I don’t have problems with sex and I know that for many, blogging about that activity is in fact, fantasy. I’m even sure that for a few, it’s how they live their lives. But I can’t live my life in a bubble of fantastical sex or non-stop scening. I live in the real world of work, family, and issues with people, including Sir, that I somehow have to figure out how to work around.
I do many things without even thinking about it. My submission is a daily exercise in selfishness AND selflessness. Balancing those two things is difficult. If anyone ever tells you differently, they’re lying. If all there was to being a submissive was giving a blow job on demand, having kinky sex every place and time that one felt like it, or walking in the door to a pre-planned scene, it would be easy. The hard part is when you’re dealing with another person’s feelings, needs, wants, rules, and thoughts. To me, getting Sir a drink when his glass is empty, asking if he needs anything, or trying my damnedest to be quiet when he’s busy is second nature. But those sorts of things are (I think) what a person who cares about someone does. To me, my submission enters when I certainly don’t feel like getting up off my ass, but somehow I do it anyway.
This isn’t my first D/s relationship. I’ve got a few years doing this sort of thing under my belt, but I’ll be the first to admit that I’m as confused going into this one as I was when I entered my first. Every person is different, and sometimes unlearning the past is a whole lot harder than learning new things. I still get it wrong a lot of times.
What I found in my search was a definite lack of one thing: how do people living in a real life D/s relationship deal with doing it? How are problems solved? How do people deal with the ordinary frustration that you sometimes feel when you can’t help the person you love through something? How does a dominant’s mindframe, effect and alter your submission? How do things differ when you’re living together? How to incorporate D/s into daily life, techniques that others find useful for problem solving, communication, and merging D/s with the rest of your life?
A dominant doesn’t have to be belittled or dirty laundry doesn’t have to be aired for a person to question, admit confusion, and search for answers. I’m interested in how others deal with the confusion, and the answers they’ve found to their questions.
We preach negotiation and communication but what do those things really mean? HOW does negotiation change and how do you adapt or react to those changes? Communication styles differ, so how do you overcome those challenges? People change daily, so how do you keep up? How do you live in your life with D/s?
If you’ve got any blogs that might fit into what I’m looking for, please let me know. So far, they’ve been few and far between.