Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Do Doms Dream of Electric Sheep?

I just received some news from a friend. It seems that her relationship has undergone a drastic change and as a result, she’s feeling a little lost. I’ve tried to tell her how I handled a similar experience in my past, but for every relationship that ends, it’s never really enough to tell someone “I’ve been there, too”. It’s like when someone dies and you say “I’m sorry for your loss”. Platitudes rarely work as well for the people receiving them, as they do for those delivering them. Endings are always hard.

While talking to Daddy about this, I showed him a website that my friend had sent to me, and one which she said was helpful during this difficult transition from being owned, to being on her own. “You know what’s missing?”, Daddy asked. “The dom’s point of view”?, I responded.


There are many places where women turn to for support during difficult endings. Other women, their friends, websites, and even other men. Women talk. A Lot. Perhaps that was the reason gags were invented in the first place? Women talk about feelings, getting sympathy from others, and after a gallon or two of chocolate ice cream and a hundred hours of sappy love songs, usually end up recovering pretty nicely. Until the next time.

We ask ourselves too many questions about the relationship. We wonder if we could have done better, done something differently. We too often forget that there is another person on the other side of the relationship over whom we exert absolutely NO control. It’s always a leap of faith that the other person loves you at least as much as you love them. You can never be 100% sure.

When I met Daddy, I was afraid of breaking up. It seems like a silly thing to be worried about at the beginning of a relationship, but in my mind, I’d already played out our breakup. That it happened to mirror the LAST one was no coincidence. I’d learned how D/s relationships begin, carry on, and end from my own past endings. It wasn’t until I was ready to trust myself to focus on building a relationship and not any eventual end of it, that I learned to trust Daddy.

I’ve always said that D/s breakups are hard. I think even harder because of the time, attention, trust, eroticism, sharing, and shared dynamic that go into making it work in the first place. When all of your focus is on making someone else happy, someone else’s life easier, when you’re working in obedience and submission of your will to another. That ending can feel like you’ve lost more of yourself than you’d ever imagine.

When I asked Daddy about this, he said that when one of his prior D/s relationships ended, he worried that others would think less of him because he “wasn’t able to keep her” or that he must not be much of a dominant because she left him for “someone better”. I’ll bet you thought that dominants just kind of said “oh well....there’s always another submissive”. We focus on what we’re feeling. But do we ever stop to think that the other side is feeling just as lost?

I know that I probably wouldn’t even WANT to be with a dominant who didn’t feel or couldn’t express feelings. I’m safe feeling and expressing mine simply because Daddy is as well. But most men aren’t like Daddy.

So I wondered, while we’re so busy looking at the ending, and after all of the time, service, and attention we’ve spent on each other in a relationship, do we forget that doms need an outlet for their feelings as well? Do we think less of them when they “lose their submissive” to another? And do we realize how hard it is for each of us to be in such a small group of people and have your ex show up at a party and share with someone new, what you once shared together?

I no longer think about when my relationship will end. It might someday. I can’t predict the future. But when all is said and done, if it should...I’d want to be able to have Daddy realize that he’s not less of a man, a dominant, or a good person. I would consider making sure that he knew that as my final service to him. Sort of one last session of aftercare that I could give to him and still hold onto something of myself.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I truly like your perspective on this. I believe there are many in a great variety of relationship types who could learn a lot from your words.
I have other thoughts and insights which some have found helpful, but I prefer not to share in a public forum. If you would like to know more and have your Dom's permission, you are welcome to contact me through facebook.