Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Do Doms Dream of Electric Sheep?

I just received some news from a friend. It seems that her relationship has undergone a drastic change and as a result, she’s feeling a little lost. I’ve tried to tell her how I handled a similar experience in my past, but for every relationship that ends, it’s never really enough to tell someone “I’ve been there, too”. It’s like when someone dies and you say “I’m sorry for your loss”. Platitudes rarely work as well for the people receiving them, as they do for those delivering them. Endings are always hard.

While talking to Daddy about this, I showed him a website that my friend had sent to me, and one which she said was helpful during this difficult transition from being owned, to being on her own. “You know what’s missing?”, Daddy asked. “The dom’s point of view”?, I responded.


There are many places where women turn to for support during difficult endings. Other women, their friends, websites, and even other men. Women talk. A Lot. Perhaps that was the reason gags were invented in the first place? Women talk about feelings, getting sympathy from others, and after a gallon or two of chocolate ice cream and a hundred hours of sappy love songs, usually end up recovering pretty nicely. Until the next time.

We ask ourselves too many questions about the relationship. We wonder if we could have done better, done something differently. We too often forget that there is another person on the other side of the relationship over whom we exert absolutely NO control. It’s always a leap of faith that the other person loves you at least as much as you love them. You can never be 100% sure.

When I met Daddy, I was afraid of breaking up. It seems like a silly thing to be worried about at the beginning of a relationship, but in my mind, I’d already played out our breakup. That it happened to mirror the LAST one was no coincidence. I’d learned how D/s relationships begin, carry on, and end from my own past endings. It wasn’t until I was ready to trust myself to focus on building a relationship and not any eventual end of it, that I learned to trust Daddy.

I’ve always said that D/s breakups are hard. I think even harder because of the time, attention, trust, eroticism, sharing, and shared dynamic that go into making it work in the first place. When all of your focus is on making someone else happy, someone else’s life easier, when you’re working in obedience and submission of your will to another. That ending can feel like you’ve lost more of yourself than you’d ever imagine.

When I asked Daddy about this, he said that when one of his prior D/s relationships ended, he worried that others would think less of him because he “wasn’t able to keep her” or that he must not be much of a dominant because she left him for “someone better”. I’ll bet you thought that dominants just kind of said “oh well....there’s always another submissive”. We focus on what we’re feeling. But do we ever stop to think that the other side is feeling just as lost?

I know that I probably wouldn’t even WANT to be with a dominant who didn’t feel or couldn’t express feelings. I’m safe feeling and expressing mine simply because Daddy is as well. But most men aren’t like Daddy.

So I wondered, while we’re so busy looking at the ending, and after all of the time, service, and attention we’ve spent on each other in a relationship, do we forget that doms need an outlet for their feelings as well? Do we think less of them when they “lose their submissive” to another? And do we realize how hard it is for each of us to be in such a small group of people and have your ex show up at a party and share with someone new, what you once shared together?

I no longer think about when my relationship will end. It might someday. I can’t predict the future. But when all is said and done, if it should...I’d want to be able to have Daddy realize that he’s not less of a man, a dominant, or a good person. I would consider making sure that he knew that as my final service to him. Sort of one last session of aftercare that I could give to him and still hold onto something of myself.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Flagging Vanilla Oreos

While eating vanilla oreos and watching the Great Flag Debate happen on twitter, I started thinking about a conversation Septimus and I had. We’d begun talking about @debaucheddiva’s admittance of having a special needs child...and about how @ropecast’s daughter was collecting funds for a particular charity. It felt odd reading her post. Almost as if she was more afraid of coming out with a “vanilla” life to her kinky friends. That conversation turned into one about how we both thought it was odd that in over two decades of active participation in bdsm activities....I’d never run into someone I knew from my non-kink community at a kink event and I’ve never run into someone from my kink life at any other non-kink one.

As conversations do, this one wended it’s way along until we reached a point where I asked...why, when we share all of the nasty things we do to each we worry about our kink friends knowing who we really are? What kind of job we have? What our children’s names are? What are we truly afraid of? Don’t these people we’re hiding so much of our “other selves” from have as much to lose? Why are we so afraid of our own community?

And then I began to wonder, what exactly is the “community” of which people speak? I hear that word bandied around all the time. But is the kink world truly a community? Or are we just a bunch of people who like kinky things, are able to talk more openly with those things with others who share the same opinions...but where a definite line is drawn. The same kind of line we tend to draw with our vanilla friends knowing about our kink lives.

Oh, I see events and cons attended by people who have at least part of their lives in common, and I’ve attended more than a few of them myself. But after the cons are there really a community left? Are local communities truly communities at all? Or is this thing we call community just a shared interest in a particular range of activities. Like extreme sports.

We come together often....this company of familiar freaks. We share some of the most intimate moments of our lives. Fetlife has become a way for people to connect to others who share similar interests....but does simply sharing an interest make a community? Especially when there are differences in traditions, rules, local mores.....and personal ones.

More often than not, I think we do just all come together to share in the kink experience and then move along back into our individual larger, non-kink “real” communities. You know...the ones where people know what kind of work you do....what your parents do for the holidays...your kid’s names. The people who we bowl with, the other soccer moms, your neighbors. That’s community. People know you, as a person. You share anecdotes, friendships, and personal tidbits with them. Your workmates. The people you spend a third (more or less) of your life with. The people who know your mother is ill, your husband may lose his job, or your sister is going through a difficult divorce. The people to whom you turn for support when things seem overwhelming...and those that you gloat with when something good happens.

And @debaucheddiva has taken a huge first step in proving that there can be a kink community. But that we’re never going to have that as long as we’re afraid of what the other community members might know about our personal lives. As Septimus stated much better than I ever could....”community happens when we come out as human beings to our kink friends”.

Friday, July 23, 2010

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

It should come as no surprise to anyone that there are as many different approaches or styles of submission as there are people. I was having trouble understanding an approach that vastly differed from mine and I frequently asked Daddy WHY this particular style just bugged the hell out of me so much...and why I just couldn’t seem to understand it. He, as usual, had an explanation that makes a lot of sense.

He explained the difference as some people submit like dogs and others, like cats.

Generalities of behavior found in the cat-like submissive versus the dog-like submissive mirror the generalities of behavior in these two common pets. The thing to remember about these types of submissives, is that some people are dog-lovers, while others love their cats. It’s more about finding out the kind of submissive you are, and then finding an owner who can’t imagine cuddling up with anyone else.

As a one time dog owner, and recent cat owner, I can tell you the differences between cat and dog surface behaviors aren’t that remarkable. They both DO a lot of the same, sleep, provide companionship, hunt, play, and shed fur. Where they differ comes in how they relate to the people in their environment. My grandmother used to say: “dogs will love whoever feeds them, even after you abuse them...while cats, who are more wary, have to really like you to even enter the room far enough to sniff the food in your hand”.

Dogs can be trained to be obedient to their owner’s will. Once they’ve received enough training and you’ve gained their trust, you pretty much can do whatever you’d like to do with them. These kinds of submissives love to be “made to do” things. Whether it’s something they’d really like to do or not. Dogs tend to trust people (unless trained otherwise) immediately and fully. After all, they were the first line of defense for their humans in days gone by. Something they’d hardly do if they were trained to distrust people.

Get a dog-like submissive to trust you and you’ve pretty much got someone who will play fetch forever. Their greatest desire is to find someone to trust and to turn themselves over completely to their owner. They may not trust everyone who feeds them...but they once you have fed them....they’re never very far from completely trusting. A dog-like submissive takes pride in obedience, service, and being “made to do”. Praise is important, but it’s a praise from their owner that’s the most important thing. Dog-like submissives need external praise for their actions in order to wag their tails properly.

Cats are seldom trained to do anything, especially that which they don’t wish to do. Cats don’t have trust implicit in their personality. Cats are skittish, wary, and distrustful by nature. Cats also don’t go willingly into places that they’re not comfortable with...they tend to (excuse the pun) pussy-foot around until they've found a spot they're comfy with. They seldom trust anyone at first glance, much less the people they live with. It takes time, patience, and a willingness to trust on the cats’ part to learn to do it. And the first time you do something to a cat (like dress them in silly clothes or step on their tails) they’re not quite as willing to overlook the flaws in their people the next time.

A cat’s first rule is to please themselves. From sleeping, to grooming, to playing...they’re on their own schedule. Getting a cat-like submissive to trust you is like filling a bathtub with an eyedropper. It’ll happen eventually, but it’s gonna take some time. But getting a cat-like submissive to trust you, and barring any unconsensual tail-stepping, you’ll have a submissive that will always curl around your leg, but will also always seem just a tad bit aloof and out of reach. Cat-like submissives realize that their happiness stems from making themselves happy. That sometimes it comes in the form of service to their owner or acting in ways to make their owners smile (how else do you explain chasing greeblings?) doesn’t negate the fact that first and foremost cats are selfish creatures. They can conform if given enough incentive. But it’s rare that a cat will wag its tail even if their owner is completely content. It’s enough for cat-like submissives to have internal criteria for happiness.

Both dog and cat submissives share traits of loyalty, playfulness, and being emotionally attuned to those they’re around. Neither is “better” than the other. But knowing that cats and dogs seldom share the same space without at least some growling and hissing, can make it a little easier to figure out how the HELL that other person calls themselves a submissive.

cc licensed flickr photo shared by Scott Kinmartin

Thursday, July 15, 2010

So You Wanna Follow Me?

I love to tweet. Since I don’t have an office full of people to take my mind off things for a bit, I use twitter as sort of my watercooler conversation. I have many people I’ve met in real life after tweeting to them for a while. Some have even become very good friends.

When I first started tweeting, I followed some people, and some people started following me back. At first, I’d tweet about what I was doing, and I’d ask people questions about what they were. It wasn’t my intention to start a kinky tweet stream, and I don’t choose who to follow solely because they’re kinky.

The people I tweet with are interesting. We talk about a lot of things: family, current events, entertainment, sex and sexuality, children, spouses, ex-spouses, and technology. Our tweets range from mundane to downright dirty. I’m proud that I’ve honed my tweet skills enough that I can put out a clear, concise, and relevant thought in less than 140 characters.

The people I tweet with, I consider friends. Although I haven’t met all of them in real life, I have met enough to know that I consider Twitter a bridge. It’s a way for me to learn about people, and it’s a way for them to learn about me. I’m pretty sure that if I tweeted solely about kink, that most of my friends would find it pretty boring after a while. One dimensional relationships of any kind tend to be like that. I entertain, and I like to be entertained.

Daddy and I have a way of tweeting that people find funny. We’ve been called the George and Gracie of our twitterfriends on more than one occasion. I love to laugh and quite often when reading my friends’ tweets, I need to make sure that I’m not drinking anything. My computer monitor gets covered with soda and it’s not pretty.

I use twitter to flirt with Daddy. Things I say to him, although seen by my friends, are often private jokes that have more than one meaning. I’m sure that my friends get some of the jokes, but the nature of 140 characters is that they’re never going to get all of it.

And I use twitter to talk about the things that I like. What I find important. Hobbies....if you will. A lot of my tweets concern topics related to kink, and I often tweet perverted things to see if one of my friends will pick up the topic and run with it. Some of our conversations have lasted hours and have provided me with blog fodder dozens of times.

Lately though, I’ve noticed a trend on my tweetstream that has pissed me off. People whom I don’t know have started tweeting to me in a way that can best be described as non-consensual. I’ve had DM’s sent to me calling me a little slut, I’ve had people breaking into conversations and asking me if I would like to suck THEIR cock. I’ve had insults thrown at me, and I’ve had one really idiotic guy tweet about what he’d like to do to me should I ever become “his”. I’m not talking about the guys like @saynine or @butchtastickyle. These guys get it. They know that I’m being deliberately risque in order to have fun. They’re giving it right back to me in spades. But we didn’t START with that kind of conversation. We started as normal people do. Talking about other things. We had to build upon a relationship we’d already had on twitter. On Twitter, the unwritten rule is to be a human being.

If you’re going to tweet to kinky girls (or to any girl for that matter), there’s some basics that you should know.

1. There are people on twitter who can talk about my cunt. If you are not absolutely sure that you’re one of them, you’re not one of them.

2. Don’t believe that just because I appear to be saying one thing, that I’m really talking about that. Sometimes I really am talking about my cat. If you start tweeting to me about what you'd like to do with my pussy...sometimes I'm liable to sic the SPCA on you.

3. If you think that you’re a suave, lady-killer, dominant-type and that all the little shy submissives are just dying to bow down and suck your cock (or the twitter equivalent), think again. I belong to @Septimus1812. Respect that relationship, and you'll have a better chance of being able to stick around on my tweetstream long enough to realize that he's all I want, need, and desire.

4. The easiest way to get me to block you is to be rude or crude. I don’t know you. And I find it offensive that you believe you know me from my tweets. Once you get to know me, I might consider talking about cock with you, but don’t start talking about my pussy unless you’re invited to do so.

5. Consider twitter as a conversation between people on a bus. I may be talking to @SubWonder about cocksucking, but that doesn’t give you the right to intrude on the conversation by saying that you’d like us to suck your cock. If you did this to me on that bus, my heels would put your balls so far up into your ears that you'd consider hearing aids.

6. Finally, treat tweeps as you would treat someone you’re meeting for the first time in at your mother’s birthday party. Telling me how great you are in bed, informing me that I will be “your slut”, or implying that you’re entitled to share in my conversation by virtue of having a twitter account won’t earn you any points.

7. And in fact, may actually earn you being blocked by some of the most wonderful kinky people on twitter. That, and being called a douchenozzle and talked about in a most unflattering way by nearly everyone else who has suffered the same.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Friday, July 2, 2010

Thems A Loaded Question

“What makes you feel beautiful?”

Talk about the one sentence that bring up every last bit of teenager still hanging around.

It reminded me of a conversation I’d had a couple of months ago with a friend. She’d been going through a rough time with some body image issues, and asked me a similar question.

“What makes you feel sexy when you don’t feel sexy?”

My response to her is here:

What makes me feel sexy when I totally don't feel it? That is a hard question to answer. But you know me...I'll give it a shot :)

I've been w/ Sir for a little over a year and there's never a time with him when I don't feel sexy. Believe me, my weight, my height, my hair, my skin, my scars, all make me feel less than sexy most of the time. But what I find with Sir that I haven't felt in a long, long time, is that he sees in me what I don't see in myself. It's really hard not to feel sexy, when someone makes you feel that way.

Our relationship is a bit different, maybe because we're older, and we're compatible in so many other ways besides kink. Because I'm older, I can't do a lot of the things that I used to be able to do. Rope is a huge issue for me now with flexibility. The thing that makes me feel sexy is that he adapts to my body. He finds me, my life, my thoughts, my brain, and my body sexy.

Which isn't to say that I always believe him :)

When that happens, I do a couple of things: I try to imagine that I am beautiful. I take the time to dress for him, do my makeup, and generally give him some arm candy. But for him, his ideal arm candy isn't a slim, 20 year old. His ideal is someone who pays attention to him. I dress for him. I do whatever it takes to show him that I care for myself. And after a while, you tend to get over it and I find myself looking at my body in a whole different way.

We never have as many flaws as we think we do. The easiest way is to try to accept those flaws, and work to your strengths.

I have significant body issues because of my age and because of my scars. The thing is, that I can't change either of those. Being sexy is acting sexy, thinking sexy and being happy with the person you are, not the person who you think others would want you to be. Love is blind for a reason.

I see myself through Daddy’s eyes now. I still don’t find myself particularly attractive or sexy, but in this instance, I’m willing to believe his eyes rather than my own.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Hey Buddy....Got a Blog?

I’m frustrated.

I’ve got an issue that I’m currently dealing with and I’ve gone on an internet search to see how other people deal with the same thing. My search parameters were rather wide on this one, but the key phrase I looked for was D/s or M/s. I was looking for how others reacted and adapted their own relationships while dealing with this same issue.

I was disappointed with what I got. I found thousands of blogs concerning D/s and M/s: how-to’s, manuals for kneeling, fantastical descriptions of kinky sex, fantasy, and scenes. I got the typical “warning signs” sites; the “this is what X means” sites; the “epitome of submission and dominance” sites; and the expected “rules” for every conceivable activity” site.

I read hundreds of blog entries. And after a while, I began to feel more like a voyeur into someone’s online diary of kinky sex stories, rather than a kindred spirit trying to just figure this out.

The “this” is of course, submission. I don’t have problems with sex and I know that for many, blogging about that activity is in fact, fantasy. I’m even sure that for a few, it’s how they live their lives. But I can’t live my life in a bubble of fantastical sex or non-stop scening. I live in the real world of work, family, and issues with people, including Sir, that I somehow have to figure out how to work around.

I do many things without even thinking about it. My submission is a daily exercise in selfishness AND selflessness. Balancing those two things is difficult. If anyone ever tells you differently, they’re lying. If all there was to being a submissive was giving a blow job on demand, having kinky sex every place and time that one felt like it, or walking in the door to a pre-planned scene, it would be easy. The hard part is when you’re dealing with another person’s feelings, needs, wants, rules, and thoughts. To me, getting Sir a drink when his glass is empty, asking if he needs anything, or trying my damnedest to be quiet when he’s busy is second nature. But those sorts of things are (I think) what a person who cares about someone does. To me, my submission enters when I certainly don’t feel like getting up off my ass, but somehow I do it anyway.

This isn’t my first D/s relationship. I’ve got a few years doing this sort of thing under my belt, but I’ll be the first to admit that I’m as confused going into this one as I was when I entered my first. Every person is different, and sometimes unlearning the past is a whole lot harder than learning new things. I still get it wrong a lot of times.

What I found in my search was a definite lack of one thing: how do people living in a real life D/s relationship deal with doing it? How are problems solved? How do people deal with the ordinary frustration that you sometimes feel when you can’t help the person you love through something? How does a dominant’s mindframe, effect and alter your submission? How do things differ when you’re living together? How to incorporate D/s into daily life, techniques that others find useful for problem solving, communication, and merging D/s with the rest of your life?

A dominant doesn’t have to be belittled or dirty laundry doesn’t have to be aired for a person to question, admit confusion, and search for answers. I’m interested in how others deal with the confusion, and the answers they’ve found to their questions.

We preach negotiation and communication but what do those things really mean? HOW does negotiation change and how do you adapt or react to those changes? Communication styles differ, so how do you overcome those challenges? People change daily, so how do you keep up? How do you live in your life with D/s?

If you’ve got any blogs that might fit into what I’m looking for, please let me know. So far, they’ve been few and far between.