Monday, June 7, 2010

Who Wears the Pants?

We have a strong D/s relationship. I'm the "D" in case you were wondering.

I know that this is a joke. But sometimes Daddy jokes about things that aren’t completely a joke either. You know what I mean?

We’ve known each other about 18 months. We’ve been in a fluctuating D/s relationship for most of that time. I say fluctuating, because it hasn’t come easy. It has grown little by little, sometimes taking a step backwards before we could move forward. Mostly that’s my doing. For me, I went into this relationship thinking that it’ll be my last one. And knowing that, thinking also that this will be my last D/s relationship. I really can’t see myself starting over yet again. So because of that attitude, I wanted to make sure that it was one that I could grow into. I wanted to make sure it was right for me, and would be something that I couldn’t find anywhere else. Or with anyone else.

Sometimes the growing pains have caused some problems.

I don’t know if Daddy truly feels that he’s sometimes not “D enough” or if it’s just that sometimes I’m not “s enough”. Our relationship isn’t set along immutable lines. Sometimes I need to be the stronger partner. I can usually tell when he needs me to step up and take the reins of life for a while. And I always know when he’s ready for me to let them go. And the way I know is that he usually makes a joke about “who wears the pants in the family”.

The truth is, that sometimes I do.

Just as a submissive is not submissive all the time and in all things, dominants aren’t gods, infallible, or dominant in all things. Nope. Really. They’re not. And any dominant that believes that they can BE dominant in every situation is delusional. And as much as submissives would like to let them believe that they are, I think it’s a bad idea to believe it yourself. It’s setting you both up for failure in your relationship....nevermind the D/s part of it. When you begin your D/s relationship, most begin as equals. Decisions that affect both of you should be made BY both of you. This isn’t the time to break out the books, smile coyly, and say “as you wish, Sir”.

While a part time, transactional, play situation D/s relationship may allow the participants to ignore the real world for a while, an ongoing, 24/7, real life D/s relationship is like every other non-D/s one. There are family obligations, work, bills to pay, chores to do, and personal needs to be taken care of. People have a life to live. Being in a D/s relationship doesn’t change any of that. The thing that changes, is that at some point. the “s” part of the equation decides to cede control of the things that the “D” part WANTS to control. That’s an important thing to realize. Submission isn’t about giving up control over every aspect of your life. And dominance isn’t about taking control over every aspect of another’s. D/s is about who wears the pants in a given set of circumstances, and over the things you’ve both agreed to.

Sometimes I may appear to others to be the “more dominant” person in our relationship. But people only see a very small fraction of our lives. We’ve sort of morphed into a style of public interaction that works for us. As an extrovert, I’m happier being “on” and that sometimes comes off like dominance. An introverted partner is happier being quieter and that sometimes comes off like submission. But when people expect certain roles to be played, they miss the nuances of a relationship like ours.

They don’t see that I’m always watching Daddy to see if he needs something. They don’t see that he’s always watching me to see if I’m getting myself into mischief. They don’t hear our conversations about how things have gone, and they never see how we behave with each other in private. They don’t get to peek into our lives to that extent and I find it a little annoying that people find Daddy less than dominant and me less than submissive when we’re in public. They never see that Daddy knows EXACTLY how to bring back his ‘good little submissive’. Every. Damn. Time. They miss that he can do it with a word, a look, or a subtle action. They don’t realize that I feel his dominance from across a room and I always hear it in my head.

But what they really don’t realize that there’s never a time when I’m not his submissive. But he knows that I just don’t have to be that all the time. We’ve set the parameters for our relationship. It’s a continually fluid line that moves as we grow into our chosen roles with each other. That’s never going to change. He didn’t want an “as you wish, Sir” submissive. He wanted a woman who didn’t have to submit to anyone. But one who chose to submit to him. Out of love. Not because he was “more dominant”, but because I love him enough to sometimes wear the pants.

1 comment:

Bad Bad Girl said...

Another wonderful post. I agree that our public personas show one aspect of who we are, and there is much that is not seen. For Coyote and I, there is very much a back and forth flow that goes on, even from this distance. I'm never not his submissive, but there are times and circumstances in which we are really not involved in each others lives- where he simply cannot 'reign supreme' nor would I allow it. On both ends, there is an aspect of "not now" or "time out" or "yeah, you ought to back off of this one."

There are times when Sir just needs me to stand on my own, or when he needs me to push him in a certain direction. It's not D/s, but just part of being in a relationship that you learn these things. I think being a 'good little submissive' means knowing when you need to do that. Dominants are not Gods, even I know that!!

I'm still learning, every single day I'm learning. Thank you for being such a clear voice in a storm of confused information.