A friend of mine read a post I made on Fetlife about there being plenty of female ropetops around and took issue with it. He indicated that he’d been looking, been unable to find them, and wanted to know “where they all were?”. He complained he’d attended events as a single male bottom and was disappointed to find that most people attended events with partners. He complained that he couldn’t find where all those female ropetops were looking, when there he was----all ready and eager to be tied up by them! I read his complaint to me as “you SAY this, but his experience shows it not to be TRUE”.
I thought a lot about what the problem was. I know dozens upon dozens of female rope tops. And I know quite a few male ones who like to practice with other male bodies as well. The female rope-tops I know are beautiful, youngish (and by that I mean under 50), and very open to at least practicing rope with all kinds of people and all body types.
I know that when I tried learning rope-topping, I didn’t mind tying practically anyone that didn’t seem creepy. It didn’t matter to me about the body I was tying, so much as the person. I wanted to tie people who were fun to BE around for a while. Those who could talk to me while I was tying, and I especially looked for those who could make me laugh.
I thought about why this guy was having such a hard time finding people to tie him. At many rope events, people DO tend to come partnered. And those that don’t, are generally able to find someone. There’s no shortage of rope-switches. I really couldn’t pinpoint why it was so difficult for a single, male, ropebottom to find someone to tie him.
And then instead of thinking about who WASN’T tying him, I started thinking about the times I’d actually SEEN him tied by people. When I thought about that, I could pinpoint several things in his approach that are working against him finding what he wants.
a) He’s into bondage for bondage sake. He enjoys being tied tightly, mummified, bound and helpless. The tighter and stricter the bondage the better. Tied, blindfolded, earphones in, gagged, and helpless is what gets him off. This is his kink. He’s not really into much else, although he will engage in other activities if “forced” into them. Pain isn’t something he really enjoys so S&M activities are mostly out. I’m sure while he thinks his kinks are pretty encompassing in the area of bondage, he’s significantly narrowed his playground so much that it’s difficult to find people to join him there. The more you limit the options, the less people you have to share your kink with.
b) He’s a pushy bottom. One who seldom gives back anything to a top. I’ve watched scenes that he’s been involved with, and after he’s been bound, the tops are always left pretty much baby-sitting a grown man who has been immobilized. He drops so far when bound that he’s no longer interactive enough for most tops to play with more than once or twice. His objectification fetish gets in the way of the tops’ enjoyment.
c) He directs a scene. Which is fine for service tops. We like to be told what to do. But even service tops also look for more from those they’re topping. I don’t mind being directed in a scene when I’m service topping, but neither do I want to feel as if I’m doing it wrong. Being told that it’s not tight enough, or that my bottom can do something better hardly makes me want to go back for more. Just as bottoms seldom want to feel like the diningroom chair, tops don’t want to feel like they’re only there to get you dressed in rope.
d) He only wants women to tie him. I can understand that. I’m mostly heterosexual and I usually prefer only men to tie me. The problem with his attitude is that most women, at least nearly all of the ones that I’ve met, are looking for some sort of relationship. Whether it be friendship or romance, most of us (I think) want to connect to the other person in some emotional way. This guy doesn’t really like women except for the part that they play in his fantasies. He isn’t looking for a D/s relationship. He doesn’t engage them in anything except bondage related activities, he doesn’t appeal to a woman’s emotional core, or even to her intelligence. And without having “something” to build on, most of the women I know, aren’t really looking for long-term casual bottoms to tie up.
e) And finally, as much as I hate to say this, his age and body type are working against him.
I’ve never had much of a problem finding people to tie me. When I was learning to tie, I never had much of a problem finding people to tie either. I’m at a loss with this one. How do I tell someone who has a narrow playground and has such serious bottoming issues that he has to get his act together first? Should I even bother to try? Can a bottom learn new tricks by attending classes? Are old habits too hard to break? Or are there just some things that can’t be changed at any age?
Sometimes I think my own habit to trying to fix the world needs to be broken.