I've spent a couple of hours this morning reading. Mostly some of my older blog posts and emails. I tend to do that when things aren't the most wonderful. Those things are like photographs. Keeping the memories of happier times in the forefront so that the self-doubties don't overwhelm me. It's also why I keep this blog. It started out as a way to examine feelings in my own life. What it's become, is a way for me to remember the wonderful things about my life with Sir.
This morning, I went looking for a particular email. It was one that I sent to Sir very early on in our relationship when he asked me about what I wanted. I didn't exactly know what he was asking me, but I did my best to answer him. I remember when writing my answer, I'd finally admitted to myself that while my wants would probably change over time, my needs were pretty set in stone. I also remember wondering at the time whether or not Sir could meet my needs, and enough of my wants, to be in a relationship with him.
I took a long time to get to know Sir. And I was pretty confident that as long as I was able to express to him those wants, he'd do a damned dandy job meeting them. My needs are harder to define and therefore much harder for him to meet. I think that when looking at what a person needs to be happy, the fear to express them overtakes good sense sometimes. My personal opinion is that's because if your chosen partner is meeting most of your needs, but maybe not quite all of them, there's a self-moderation of sorts. That, and there's a fear that you just don't want to hurt the one you love by saying "I'm happy, but maybe just not happy enough".
So I started wondering, especially given the joke that Sir made last night about whether or not I'd go looking to have my needs met by someone else should he not be able to, just exactly what it is that I need. Are wants and needs the same? Do we only want what we need?
My wants are vast and I won't bore you with a list of them. Most all of them, I can take care of myself. But the difference between needs and wants is the difference between taking a bus and owning a Ferrari. I need to get from point A to point B. A bus meets my need. A Ferrari would be overkill.
My needs are basic. Sleep, food, air, sunshine, a purpose for my day and contact with people. Take any of those things away and I know that I just can't be happy. I need something to do, I need to talk to people. I need to touch another human being. I need to to feel connected to Sir. And that's the one I'm having the most difficulty with.
I love the feeling of anticipation when I turn the corner to our house. I love knowing that he'll be waiting for me, with a smile, a hug, and if I'm lucky...a lip bite or hair pull. I love walking through the door, being wrapped in his hug and knowing that (for the next several hours at least) I don't have to think of anything else but connecting to him. So it always surprises me on those rare times when that connection doesn't happen easily.
And that feeling scares the hell out of me. I lived for a lot of years without that sort of anticipation and connection. I got used to it. So used to it in fact that when I met Sir, I fought against letting him get close to me. But he pushed back and forced his way though my invisible wall. He forced me to look at myself and what I'd done by pulling away from that anticipation and connection. He made me realize what I was missing. And once I'd found that with him, I didn't want anything else. I started out wanting him, and found that I needed him.
I'm just not sure right now if having that need is a good thing. I sometimes wonder at 2:30 in the morning, whether or not I've made a huge mistake by allowing myself to need someone like that.
But mostly what I think scares me, is that knowing my need for him, if that one isn't met, if I'll end back up as I was before.
Used to it.