Thursday, May 6, 2010

Silver the Schleprock


I’m having a bad few days. It feels like a huge cement block is hovering over my head, and a mack truck is sitting on my stomach. Or maybe I feel like this guy. I have uncertainty, fear, and such a feeling of mental exhaustion that I’m about ready to just spend a couple of days curled up in a ball crying. It’s a wave that hit me pretty unexpectedly...although I really should have known it was bound to happen. I’ve made a major change to my life and despite appearances, I’m a creature of habit.

I can’t even explain what’s going on in my head....and as much as that annoys me...it really irritates Sir. So much so, that it’s another worry that I have added on top of everything else. At times like these, I’d normally find a way to hide for a few days until the feeling passes, but I can’t really do that with Sir. I’d make some plans with friends to spend time away from myself and more recently, I’d turn to Sir to help me focus.

Usually he’s seen the tail-end of the rough patches and I guess I’ve used him as a lifeline of sorts to get me over these shit-dumps. But he’s had a rough few days of his own and isn’t quite in the best place to help me deal with getting over myself. And I’m not in the best condition at the moment to help him. Which also adds to the feeling of exhaustion. It’s something that I hadn’t even realized until this morning. And perhaps that’s what really is at the bottom of all this crap. The more I rely on Sir to help me focus, the more I care for him, the easier it is for me to forget that I also have bad days. And the sneakier they seem to be when they show up.

I guess this is going to be one of the hard things. The time we spent together when we weren’t living together spoiled me. I got used to his attention, but not wanting to be a drain on him, I’ve gone in the opposite direction. I wanted to give him his space, but I seem to have done it by giving him all of the space, leaving myself nowhere to fit in. I think I took some of his remarks too literally in the opposite direction.

Yeah, so shoot me....I like schnoodling with Sir. I like lying in bed talking about anything and everything, and I like that he can drag me from one end of the room to the other in minutes. I like not thinking about anything except Sir and I like that he makes me feel loved and cared for. I really miss “something”.....I’m not exactly sure what. As much as I love being with Sir, something is different and I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. I really wish I could figure it out. But then, perhaps it’s just that I’m missing seeing what’s in front of my nose. Nothing is different, except that other things have clouded my perceptions. That’s one of the hard things about feeling so dreadful. You can’t see where the circle ends in time to get off it. But one thing that I do know is that I miss the smiles. From both of us.

And that’s what I guess I really need right now. I need to laugh the tears away.

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