Monday, May 3, 2010

Back at the Beginning.

I’m sitting here wondering if I can ever find a way to love rope again.

Back at the beginning, I was annoyed so much with people forcing me to learn to tie, when all I wanted was to BE tied, that I’d almost given up trying to fit in with the kinky community I found. I tried to explain to anyone why this was so difficult for me, but everyone I’d met expected me to tie. And I hated every minute of it. Daddy understood though. I may joke about tying him....but it really IS just a joke. At least I knew where I stood with Daddy. He'd tie, I'd be tied and it'd work for both of us. But over time, we’ve played less and less with it, and so I’ve felt that the only way to keep a tenuous connection to rope was, at the end, to learn to do something that I loathed.

I’ve signed up for a five week class to learn to tie. I thought that if I could learn to tie, I’d find something from the other side to spark my own interest again. At the very least, I’d gain some appreciation for the work and skill that it takes to be a really good rope top. And that it has. Enough to know that despite the classes, I’ll likely lose everything I’ve learned for the simple fact that I’m not attracted to the dining room chairs.

In reality, the classes have left me wondering what I ever saw in rope in the first place.

Back at the beginning, I wasn’t “into” rope. Throw a pair of cuffs on me, and I was good. Rope seemed like it was just a lot of work. Nobody I knew was into rope and that was OK. But then I met some new people who were very much into it. It no longer seemed like work, but something that could be at least a little fun. Being tied was awesome, but something that I could live without. Until Daddy. Then it became awesome and something that just ‘felt’ like Daddy.

I have issues with learning from people standing in front of me. I get things backwards. My brain can’t turn the mirror image into making my hands do the opposite of what I see. Which is why I never danced to the song YMCA. I’m not comfortable tying. There’s too many ways to do the same thing, too many variations taught before I can learn one properly. And too, there’s the fact that while I’m learning these ties, I’ve also got one thought in the back of my head “who the fuck am I gonna tie”?

And sadly, the immutable truth is slowly dawning on me. I also don’t really care all that much about rope.

And this scares me. Shibaricon is three weeks away and my apathetic state about rope, which I’d hoped to alleviate by learning to tie, makes me scared about what will happen. I know what to expect this time at Shibaricon, but I’m still wondering if that sad feeling in the pit of my stomach will overtake my ability to smile convincingly. Or really, how do I make myself pretend to enjoy something that is bringing me so much annoyance? But I'll suck it up, be with rope people, and hopefully find some way of learning to love what I loathe.

And it occurs to me that I’m right back where I started, after all.

1 comment:

Inferno said...

I had no idea such classes existed.
Sometimes I just think ... "what a strange world."