Thursday, April 1, 2010

Love and BDSM

A recent post by a dear friend got me started thinking. It's something I've written about several times in my roundabout way. And it's something that Daddy and I have discussed several times. Can love work in a bdsm relationship?

One phrase in her letter to her Daddy, made me smile:

I found you before I knew I was looking for you.


And as I've read that phrase over and over again, it occurred to me that that was exactly what happened with me and Daddy.

We met at a class. I was with someone else. And he was just this cute guy that flirted with me, talked to me, and intrigued me. We met when I least expected to meet anyone like him. And when I'd thought I'd gotten this whole d/s thing out of my system. I didn't want to be owned. I didn't want to submit. I just wanted to have a little fun. And he was a devilishly adorable sadist. Although we were both interested in each other, I don't think that either of us thought about falling in love. I know I assumed that I'd probably play with him once in a while, perhaps do a vanilla date or two, and we'd both move onto something else. He called my attitude about it as my being a "party submissive". And I thought that's what I was looking for. I had my own life, and I didn't want things cluttered up by emotional attachments to anyone....especially a dominant someone. I thought I was fully capable of having a d/s relationship without loving him.

I was absolutely wrong.

I found that now, where I am with myself, I didn't want one with him any other way. As things progressed with Daddy and me, I realized that I'd found something in him that I hadn't even been looking for. I found that I not only wanted him, but that I didn't want him without love. And when I realized that, I almost ruined everything because I couldn't see how love and d/s could work together.

Daddy asked me really early on, to tell him what I wanted. What I needed, and what my hopes were. He also asked me how he could help me achieve them. Basically, I thought he was asking me "what do you want from me". And my answer at the time was "whatever you're willing to give". I didn't believe that we'd be a couple, we'd be monogamous, or that he'd fall in love with me. I was used to things happening in a certain linear way, and making deviations from a course I'd already followed once, didn't seem like a great idea at the time.

So it came as a surprise to me, when I realized that I was indeed, in love with Daddy. I was certain that love and a D/s relationship couldn't work together. It was as if an invisible line needed to be drawn. After all, how could I expect him to "hurt" me if love got mixed into the equation? I'd experienced first hand how easy it is to forget that when feeding our desires in sadism/masochism.....love can turn that to abuse in the guise of getting your jollies off. And he'd wondered if loving me would affect his desire to hurt me.

So while BadBadGirl wonders if falling in love will ruin her d/s relationship, I sometimes wonder if our d/s relationship will ruin the love. I've never loved any of my d/s partners in the way I love Daddy. I've had weekend 24/7 relationships, I've had one really long term m/s relationship, and I've had lots of playmates. But I've never had a love relationship and a d/s relationship with the same person at the same time. Being in love with your d/s partner creates issues that likely would cause the same relationship without the d/s part to fall apart. Issues of jealousy, monogamy, fidelity, trust and commitment. Emotions that create stress on a love relationship can be negotiated into a d/s one. Can those things ever really be negotiated in a love one? Can both change enough to overcome those emotions?

I think we've both found out that love does change things. But I think that it makes it better. Harder sometimes, but infinitely better. Balancing the roles each of us plays is much harder when you add love into the mix. We're still working out all the bugs, but we're doing it together.

And that's just the way I think that we both prefer it.

The idea of having love in a d/s relationship was something I was unprepared to understand. Thankfully, one of Daddy's really strong suits is knowing me better than I know myself. That, and a heck of a lot of patience.

3 comments:

Bad Bad Girl said...

As always your thoughts are invaluable to me. We have found that leaning heavily on the d/s aspects of our relationship greatly lessen the stress of the emotional/ love issues like jealousy and trust.

I realize more and more the beauty of a relationship where I'm encouraged to feel what I feel and know that everything is negotiable whereas in traditional relationships never felt that way.

I also agree that it takes a lot of patience for Daddy to deal with me. I am a high maintenance submissive, even if I am not a high maintenance 'woman'.

I'm grateful for your insight, dear. Also, the 'dear friend' make me smile really big. :)

JR said...

I found Love and BDSM at about the same time, both of us were just getting interested into BDSM when we first met, I can't imagine loving anyone as much as her. Throw in a long distance and it gets even harder, The fact that we have been together 5 years is proof that we are both committed to each other.Our dream is to be together on a daily basis, one that we will never give up on.

As for BDSM in our relationship, It's been exciting and erotic, We are both still learning so much and meeting some great people with common interest. It may seem strange hitting and abusing someone you love but I know it brings pleasure to both of us, it connects us on another Conscious level. We both are in another space where we are so connected and our minds are free from outside influence.

Having the love and support of my wonderful submissive has gave me the strength and courage to explore new things and grow as a dominate,It's been a wonderful journey, While I know you don't need to love a person to have a BDSM relationship, I am so grateful that I have that aspect in mine.

thebsideofme said...

i love both your's and BBG's post on this subject. there are so many quotes i could take from each that are so personal to my own feelings about me and my Daddy.

we are both just getting into BDSM and have both found love as well. i don't know what a BDSM relationship is like without love and while i won't rule out not ever knowing, i hope i don't have to. my relationship with Daddy completes me like no other i think, because we live our true selves and love has grown out of that.