Monday, February 22, 2010

The odd sense of morality in kinky people.

Perhaps morality is the wrong word. I use it here to describe the juxtaposition of what kinky people think is "right" and what they think is "wrong". Right and Wrong.

Vanilla bashing has come into discussion on Fetlife, in a few blogs, and on twitter recently and since I love bandwagons, I thought that it was the perfect time for a discussion about what I've found as a little odd about kinky people.

Why is it that kinky people have problems with "those not like us"? When did we become the arbitter of what's kinky "enough". When did we get to decide whether or not any behavior was acceptable? When did we make the rules for joining the club? And why was I never told about those rules?

We all have our own ways of dealing with kink. Some of us our so out about our lifestyle that to NOT discuss our personal lives openly, without fear, and without shame, seems really difficult. We talk with our parents, co-workers, friends, and absolute strangers about our sex lives and are often disappointed when they "don't get us", cringe at the thought of what we do, think we're perverts (in a bad way) or that they'd prefer not to discuss it at all. We are disappointed in THEM for their reaction.

And some of us are so circumspect about our kink that to even breathe a word about it to anyone, makes us really uncomfortable. We're not "out" to anyone except our kinky friends, we don't discuss kink with anyone outside of the community, and we get really uncomfortable at the thought of mom and dad, our kids, or our co-workers knowing how we spent our weekends. We don't want THEM to be disappointed and have "that" reaction.

What I find really interesting, is that generally, those in the "out" group tend to think that those in the "in" group are living a lie. They believe that you only hide if you're ashamed, or that if everyone was "out", things would be SO much better for everyone. If those who were "in" just "came clean" about their kink, there'd be so many people in the out club, that the stigma about kink would be ameliorated and the world would be so much better off. And by "the world", mostly I mean "those vanillas too close-minded to understand what we do is okay".

What I think the main disconnect between the outties and innies is in the way that each person feels about those in the vanilla world. Some of us don't care what vanillas think about us. Some of us might care too much. Either way probably is very far from the mark. I'd personally think that most vanillas wouldn't care in GENERAL about "other people", but that most of them care about those they know in relation to themselves in SPECIFIC.

We all have our own comfort levels about WIITWD. We are the best judge about how we each want to live our lives, and about how those we interact with might view our private habits. For those of you that CAN live your kinky life "out and proud", I'm envious. I wish we all could. But the reality is that there are employers, judges, ex spouses, children, parents, friends, and strangers that find kink to just be more than they're willing to put up with. They just don't want to know that the person caring for their child at daycare whips grown men into crumbling puddles of goo in her free time. When your boss doesn't want to know what you had for dinner last night....he certainly doesn't want to know that you enjoy being caned and that the reason you're not moving as gingerly today is that you're sporting a set of stripes on your ass.

The papers are filled with stories about people losing custody of children, spending untold amounts of money to even get supervised visitation. BDSM in the news is titillating, but freakish. People are squicked by stories of kinky ANYthing. There's a consensus that kinky women are abuse junkies, prostitutes, or lacking in self-esteem, and there's an equal consensus that those who are on the topside are just abusers in disguise.

So if we can't expect vanillas to "get it", and we've got to talk about the problem with those in the kinky community bashing vanillas for NON-kinky sex, WHY do we think that those innies are any less deserving of not being bashed by the outties? When what we do is considered by so many vanillas to be immoral, illegal, and downright disgusting, WHY are outies laughing at the innies because they're "hiding" themselves?

Whatever my personal reasons are for remaining IN about my kink, I think I'm as deserving of respect for my choice, as those vanillas who choose not to look in my direction too closely. When we're having the discussion about respect for vanillas, let's not forget about those of us who are kinky but can't be out in the open. Most of us would love to be able to stand up and be kinky and discuss with our loved ones our lives. But we have to balance that with what we know or with what we fear. When we're talking about stopping the denigration of vanillas for NOT being kinky, let's not forget the denigration happening when an out kinkster looks at one whose in and says "you're doing it wrong".

I'm not doing it wrong. I'm doing what's right for me, my loved ones, and those in MY vanilla world. And isn't THAT the basis of what it is that we do? Doing what feels right for each of us?

1 comment:

JR said...

Everything you said made alot of sense to me, Everyone is different, I don't judge and I expect the same in return.