As anyone who knows me, really knows me, understands that I've got a minor "list fetish". That I don't have a corresponding "sticking to my list" one, sometimes leaves me wondering "how did I end up HERE?"
Currently at the top of my list is getting ready for the Fetish Fair Fleamarket. I've had this on my list for months and now that crunch time is here, I've decided to take a look at just exactly what I've gotten myself into.
Currently, my schedule consists of moderating both the Getting Started with BDSM and Bottom/Slave/Submissive Solutions panels. And, leading the Bottoming Presentation. And that's not including the time I'll be spending in the Bondage Lounge helping out Roperider.
And I find myself looking in the mirror and asking "who the fuck am I kidding?"
I've done the little things I needed. I've read, researched and thought about what I would have liked to have known when first learning to be a bottom. And I wrote it out. God how I wrote it out. The discussion that I came up with filled thirteen pages. I covered everything.
But what got lost in that lengthy diatrible (sic) of bottoming "do's and don'ts" was the idea of what makes a good bottom? What makes a bottom a top wants to play with versus one that people make excuses to avoid? And now, after all that research, I'm happy to say that I think I've figured it out.
A good bottom is comfortable in his/her own skin. We are able to communicate effectively, we don't allow others to tell us HOW we should or shouldn't react. We are people that others like to be around because we're fun, adventurous, and sane.
A good bottom is smart. We take care of ourselves first and we have lives that matter to us. Bottoming is a part of who we are, it's not the whole of who we are.
A good bottom understands that tops look for reaction, feedback, and enjoyment in a scene, just as surely as we do. This is a two way street and good bottoms understand that it's rare a top wants to be merely the service end of the stick.
A good bottom understands that nothing is written in stone. We are fluid, adaptable and eager. But we also know what works for us. Which isn't to say that we don't ever TRY something new.
A good bottom knows that the best way to bottom is to be ourselves. We know that to react, giggle, cry and make lovely noises and movements are what tops are looking for. They're not exaggerated or false, but come from a place where we're able to just let go of ourselves and let our top take the lead.
A good bottom has a defined sense of bullshit. This isn't a game, but a dance. Don't tell us that you're capable of leading if you're not 100% sure of it. Or at least able to fake it pretty darned convincingly.
A good bottom builds from the bottom up. We start slowly, learning about ourselves through each encounter with a top. We change. We savor the experiences provided and don't complain or whine if things don't quite work out to our satisfaction. We have a sense of humor and a general love of what we do.
And above all, a good bottom is at the heart of it, a person with whom others like to spend time with, is honest, caring, and always says thanks for the lovely ass-beating with a smile :)
Mistakes are made when bottoms start to think that their job is to "suck it up" and "take what's given". When they aren't safe or when they don't share in the experience offered by their tops, but hold onto it for themselves in a selfish and one-sided hoarding. Mistakes are made when bottoms are not free with their emotions, energy, or selves and they don't know how to simply be lost in the moment and place some trust in the tops they're with.
Or look at it this way. We may be the center of the universe, but a top really DOES hold the universe in hand. Good bottoms know how to stay within the orbit of the top, the ones that make the mistakes tend to spin wildly out of control.