Monday, January 25, 2010

Words Again

After a restless night, I woke up this morning with a singular mission. OK, so it's not really singular, I do have other things I have to take care of in the next couple of months, but I've got my mission. And it's not an easy one.

Daddy quite often says things to me that I sometimes hear right, and sometimes I read into. But this one didn't leave any room for interpretation. It was one of the few times I can remember when he'd given me something tangible to work on. Not a direct order, but damn near close enough.

Everyone that knows us, knows that talking, words, and communication are one of the most important things in our relationship. I'm still not always great at that, but it's coming along. The major problem I have is putting my feelings into words when I'm not always aware of how I'm feeling. I can feel sad, but I don't always know what it is that's causing that feeling. Again, that's a work in progress and it IS getting better. Before, I'd have just felt sad, and then felt like I had to get the fuck out of Dodge.

I made a lot of mistakes this past weekend. I'd like to offer the excuse that I have a lot on my mind and my attention is divided. But excuses don't excuse the behavior and I wonder sometimes if dominants knew how much submissives beat themselves up when we fuck things up, if they'd still want to punish. And no. I didn't fuck things up, nor did I get punished. But I do wonder eventually what will happen then.

I was getting ready to head home this weekend, when Daddy thought a blow job for the road would be a great idea. Now, that's not something I'll turn down, so I got the pillow that he told me to get and began. I get into cock, but sometimes I forget that sucking his cock isn't always for me.....I know, pretty stupid of me to forget that. I mean, after all....it's HIS cock and it should be for him, right? But as I was enjoying myself, listening to his purring, feeling his legs quivering, and really getting into it, when he grabbed my hair, forced my head up and said those words that made me squirm.

"Talk dirty to me."

You'd think that for a kinky girl, that'd be easy. But all I could think was that I don't know how to do that. Those four words threw me right into "thinking" mode, and right out of cockspace. I started thinking...."what's dirty"? It's amazing how many thoughts can flitter across your brain in the space of about 30 seconds. I finally admitted that I didn't know HOW to talk dirty...and maybe I was "behind" because I don't watch porn anymore?

But, being Daddy, he'd given me some help. He gave me an example of what he was looking for. I giggled around the cock in my mouth and said "but that's not dirty talk....that's just normal". His reply made me giggle even more. "Then talk normal to me".

But I still couldn't do it.

That's when he told me I should blog about it, tweet about it, and figure it out. So, since I really DO try my best, here it is. The tweets will have to wait until after the dentist today.

Why do I find talking dirty to be so difficult? I thought begging was hard, but at least I can DO that if I have to. Maybe it's because I don't think that sucking cock IS dirty? I mean, it's like I'm ALWAYS telling Daddy how much I love his cock...and I will admit that sometimes he might feel as if his cock is the focus of most of my attention, but damn. I just can't figure this one out. Maybe it's that I just don't know how to talk dirty when saying things that don't SEEM dirty? I need to get some definitions or something of what's supposed to BE dirty and maybe pretend?

I feel a google tryst coming on. I just hope that those keeping track of my surfing in the great interwebs won't be too amused by my latest quest for information. I've really got to figure this one out though. If you're someone who already talks about cock a LOT, and doesn't find it particularly naughty (which I think you might in order for it to BE dirty), how do you do that?

Oh, and I also have to figure out how to talk through my nose or ears as well apparently. Daddy doesn't like me to talk with my mouth full.

1 comment:

CoyoteToo said...

@badbadgirlx does a very nice job of talking diet, although I sometimes have to direct the conversation when it veers into areas that don't match my mood. it's good that you were given direction. I do relate, I grew up never talking dirty. I still distinctly remember the first time I accusetally swore (where I was, how one "jesum cripes" morphed inappropriately. I didn't start swearing until college, and talking dirty in sex happened only because I had opened minded girlfriends. @badbadgirlx has taken me to new levels. I regularly use terms and phrases that I never would have considered before. I'm not sure what to thi k of it, but as you found, thinking about it too much defjnitely drops you out of the space.
I think the way I slid into it was on the phone. You do It there because it adds more texture to a remote connection. Initially it's just being very explicit about what you are imagining happening. But I think some if the onus is on him. It defjnitely hps to hear the other person doing it as well.