Friday, January 29, 2010

Why Can't I Open My Mouth?

A comment on a previous blog post said:

"You just take a flirt, stretch it in a way making it more raw, kinky, or perverted or dirty..."

As anybody who knows me can attest, I’m a huge flirt. I’ve been flirting since I was a little kid, trying to get that cute boy to like me. I learned really early that the best way to get a boy to talk to me was to ask him for help. In that case, it was with the "suddenly loose" pedal on my bike. I batted my eyelashes, giggled, and handed him the wrong screwdriver a couple of times. I knew exactly what I was doing. I even used a really dirty phrase (for a 12 year old) "does the screw go in the hole or do you bring the hole to the screw?" problems mixing flirty and dirty when you're 12.

But when you're an adult, who has done kinky things for most of your life...maybe I'm a little jaded? Is that the right word? It's like that fantasy thing. I've DONE most of mine....and the ones that are left are so lame that not even I'd consider doing them anymore. And it goes back to the feeling, and the major question that I keep asking without an answer: when you’re a kinky person who DOES really dirty things (at least in the eyes of the non-kinky people)....WHAT feels dirty?

I’m going around in circles on this. I’ve never had much of an issue with my body and I’ve been pretty upfront about discussion of everything from my doctor’s visits to my menstruation cycle. I don’t generally blush (ask Daddy. He’s managed to do it only once in a year), and I’m not coy about what I like. I don't think anything to do with sex or kink is dirty. Well, okay...maybe a couple of things...but neither of us wants to do he says....they defeat the "would he want to kiss me afterwards" test anyway.

As I've searched, and talked, and read, I believe I’ve narrowed this down to a couple of problems:

a) NOTHING I say seems raw, kinky, perverted or dirty. I mean that in a really good way. I do talk a lot, and I can stretch a flirt, but when EVERYTHING is like that, and it just feels normal...or it feels cold and do I turn flirting into kinky?

b) I really get into my work and frequently lose not only the ability to talk, but to hear, think, or hell....even to remember my own name.

c) I still have trouble putting my feelings into words when I’m speaking. I suck at adjectives.

And from the bottom's up, the last one is the one that I think is the major wall for me.

Daddy tried an experiment on me the other night. I’m sure he didn’t know that I know? He kept stopping the action and asked me “how does it feel”? And sadly, I didn't know how to say it. The pleasure, the pain, the attention, the connection....why micro-explain? It's all good.

Why is it that I’m suddenly afraid of four word sentences?

And I think that is the key to talking dirty. I need to be able to let the words flow from my mouth as easily as they do from my fingers. When I write, I don’t think (which is why sometimes I get a little rambley). But when I’m talking to someone...I’m constantly looking for the right shades, trying to listen to them and respond in kind. I’m always searching for the “between the lines”, the “real meaning” behind the words. I’m trying to figure out what they want to hear....and I’m always waiting for someone to tell me I’m an idiot, I said it wrong, or I have a funny accent. OK, I’m kidding about the last two...mostly.

But mostly, I really need to stop thinking.

Next: Daddy finally dishes.

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