Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Sometimes I Think Too Much

Daddy said a few things to me this weekend that have made me think.

He’d threatened to put me in the corner if I even thought about touching his belly button. Since I know that that particular activity has VERY narrow parameters of acceptability, even when I’m being a non-compliant bottom I know that it’s strictly at HIS discretion. I might tease him with it, but I’d never in a million years “go for it” without his compliance and assent.

I am developing a rather bad habit (I think) of saying whatever pops into my head at a particular moment. And the thought that popped out was “I was already in the corner”. I’m not sure why I felt like that except to say that it was one of those days that annoy the hell out of me. We’d had a wonderful weekend together. And mean, a really wonderful weekend.

I guess that I’m still just not able to figure out how to be quiet, think nothing and do nothing, when Sir needs me to be that. It really does feel like I’m in a “time-out”.

Sometimes he needs a cuddletoy, and I’m lucky enough to be that for him. So the fact that I’m sometimes not able to comfortably BE that for very long, still surprises the fuck out of me. I just don’t know where that disconnection starts in my brain. I certainly want to be with him when he needs me. But I’ve forgotten how to calm the waters in my own brain. To remain engaged and interactive with him, to talk to him, to love him...I had to forget how to just “be” by myself, in my own head. Surely there’s a happy medium somewhere. I just don’t know where to find it.

Either way, I remained belly-button-less this weekend, although I did manage to surprise Daddy with the depth of my devotion in other matters...

But it was the second thing that he’d said to me that got me even more concerned.

He said that I didn’t believe in god. Which was an interesting thing he’d said to me. We’ve had dozens of conversation about religion, but never have we had a conversation about whether or not I believed in god. I guess that with all my bitching about my own religion that he assumed that belief and the mechanics of worship were the same thing for me. I’ve questioned things a lot over my life. But I never thought that I didn’t believe in god. I started thinking, wondering what I could possibly have said that would make him think that? And then I remembered something Daddy said once. It doesn’t matter if you believe in god. He doesn’t care if you believe or don’t believe in him. He’s there anyway.

And I think that perhaps this could be a key for the cuddletoy problem that I mentioned earlier. My problem is that I think about all those Other things I should/could/would be doing instead of being a cuddletoy for hours at a time. But it really doesn’t matter if I have ten thousand things I *could* be doing....the only one that really matters is the one where we can be together.

But it was the last thing that he said to me that threw me for a loop....and I really didn’t know how to answer him when he said it. That one statement was enough to make me feel like a heel for not being able to be the cuddletoy. His question, “what did I do to deserve you?”.

And my only answer to that is darling....you loved me and you let me love you.

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