Thursday, January 7, 2010

Looking Forward, Forgetting Backwards

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks on a definite upswing. Some personal things still need to get resolved, and I’m not certain what the next few months will bring in that regard, but things are definitely going great with me and Daddy.

Looking over the last year, I realized that our relationship had undergone a sort of metamorphoses. What began as something that I was so sure wouldn’t be more than superficial, ended up being one of the best begun relationships I’ve ever had. I’d like to think that it’s because I’d spent all that time trying to fight against the inclination to “jump in with both feet” and truly take the time to learn what I’d wanted. That’s a valuable lesson - don’t let “the getting of what you think you might want” get in the way of “learning if what you want is really what you want to end up with”.

I’d met Daddy nearly a year ago. In that time, I’ve changed a lot. Daddy was able to keep up with most of the changes because I haven’t really changed “me”....I’ve just let more of “me” out of the box. He’s been wonderful dealing with my transition in my own head of being his party bottom to his submissive, from his girlfriend to his partner, from liking him pretty well to loving him, and from being afraid of being hurt to making that leap of faith that I won’t be.

Other things changed as well. I’ve learned that I can express anything I want to, ask any question, and always be heard. I’ve learned that there’s someone that really wants to hear what I have to say, understands my love of words (even if I sometimes say them incorrectly or with a strange accent), and cares enough to keep pushing me to explore the thoughts and ideas that I’ve had in my head for so many years. I am finally free after all this time to simply be me.

I rarely think about “before” anymore. In fact, Daddy mentioned something about Jon last night and for a second, I didn’t know who the hell he was talking about. I’d truly forgotten. My life Before has become a pretty nice memory that I’ll always be happy to have, but it’s also one that looks a whole lot better if I only remember the nice pieces once in a while. So much is different now, and I much prefer the Now to the Before, that I’m finding it easier to just let it slip into the past. I can’t ever forget about it, but it doesn’t intrude on the present or future so much either. It’s sort of like that 25th class reunion. You always remember the fun stuff with fondness, but you don’t really want to repeat them or even hang out with the people you did them with. And you certainly don’t want to come face to face with the authors of the not-so-fun stuff that happened.

I’ve got a lot of things that I’m looking forward to this year. I have some decisions I need to think about, we have some things we’re going to need to spend some time discussing, I’ve got some other things that I want to try to explore. None of those things are bad, disturbing or even upsetting...they’re just things that we’ll eventually have to talk about given something Daddy asked me to think about a few weeks ago.

But first, I’ve got to figure out whether or not cats really ARE an emergency food supply. I mean...I know Daddy likes pussy and all....but I really thought he drew the line at furries!

No comments: