Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Begging: Way Hot or Topping from the Bottom?

Since some people have asked about whether Talking Dirty and Begging are kind of the same thing, I thought I'd post my thoughts on begging. If you're a member of Fetlife, you can read the original post (and all the comments) here.

This is not directed to anyone in particular and certainly not to (you know who). Its something that I've struggled with for nearly 27 years and something I've never really been much good at.

So here’s the thing, I’ve never been much good at begging. It’s not that it’s humiliating, it’s just that it puts me into a weird sort of paradoxical headspace.

I like being in a D/s relationship. I find the control that I desperately crave within one, and I’m able to feel more comfortable within one. As a woman who is submissive in her relationships, I can’t be a submissive without having given that control to a dominant. I prefer that kind of relationship to all others. It makes me happy to cede control to my dominant and truthfully, even when those days hit and I would like nothing better than to thump him upside the head...I know my place and accept myself in it. It comforts me to know my designated role...there are no power struggles...I am his. Period. No questions there.

But the conundrum comes from feeling that if I’ve given someone the control, and therefore have given them the right to do, or not to do, whatever they’d like with me (limits aside) isn’t begging for something the very antithesis of why I search out that kind of relationship? I mean, if I’m begging after I’ve given up such controls...isn’t that sort of topping from the bottom? If I’m begging for something I want instead of accepting whatever is in his devious little brain that particular day....am I somehow trying to tip the control back to me?

Begging isn’t easy when you’re in a D/s relationship. Even if you enjoy humiliation as part of your kink, begging frequently sounds like whining or petulance, or even just selfishness. Yes, yes, of course...the dom doesn’t have to give into your pleas....but if you’re like me and don’t want the control, isn’t even trying to take it back by begging counterproductive?

If the dom does give what you’re begging for....its like learning that to get what you want....if you whine long enough, pout prettily enough, stomp your foot, coerce or convince him that what you want is something you just have to have, or if you’re a selfish petulant sub....you’ll get it. And isn’t that a reinforcement of negative behavior?

And, if the dom doesn’t give you what you’re begging for....especially when you’re begging because the dom wants you to, and if you already feel like I do....does it really matter if you don’t receive it? You didn’t want to beg for it in the first place.... you’re already IN this kind of relationship because you didn’t WANT the control. So you don’t get what you begged for...is it really so bad? I mean...the dom doesn’t want to give it to me right now...ok...he’s the dom...it’s his decision...

See what I mean?

And....do you beg for wants or needs? I WANT him to spank me until I’m red and can’t sit. I NEED a damn spanking once in a while and if I don’t get it, I’m pretty unhappy. Do I beg for my want, or my need? If I have to beg for things I need, to me that’s not the kind of relationship I want to be in. My needs will be met by my partner or I wouldn’t stay. Unhappy toys find new people to play with them. And I’m sure that in a D/s relationship....the D part doesn’t really want an unhappy toy. Part of the reason for being in ANY relationship is having needs met by someone. My wants....now see? This is where that old conundrum comes in. I won’t beg for things that I need from my partner no matter how “hot” it is to them. Needs are not negotiable.

So many doms find begging to be just really fucking hot....they want their subs to beg to be smacked around which, for a masochist, isn’t just a want..it’s something that they need. They want to be begged to “please Sir, may I suck your cock?”....like they’re really gonna say “no” for very long with a naked girl kneeling at their feet, tears streaming down mascara covered cheeks....and pleading prettily for something that they’d pay good money for? When last week I was being commanded to “suck my cock you dirty slut”...but this week I’m being asked to “beg for it”...just how does one change from being commanded by the D-type to do it.....to being told to wheedle and cajole the D type for it?

So, D types want to be begged, cajoled, pleaded with...but why?

The only answer I can come up with is so that they get to feel magnanimous in their assent...they get to feel powerful in their (even temporary) denial...they feel the power that they have over someone who wants something from them. And I’m sure for the sadists out there...they get a thrill for the tease and denial. There’s probably a thousand reasons why my dominant would want me to beg for something from him. Even something that I’m pretty sure he wants too.

And, I’m ok with all of those reasons.

For whatever purpose a dom wants to hear me beg, whatever design he’s got in his brain that needs me to beg for something....I’ll figure out a way to do it. Because, I’ve given up the control...and you want me to beg.

But please. Understand that I’m doing this for you. I’m not good at begging (trying to take control) because I’m good at being your submissive (ceding control to you). The worse I am at the first, the better I am at the second. But I’ll do it because that’s what you want me to do....but I’m not going to like it.

But that’s just me. And I’m begging for suggestions :)

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