Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween

I have high hopes for this weekend....but that's fairly typical....and usually by Sunday night, I've done a thing or two to regret having held onto such hope.

This has been a difficult week for me. Sir hasn't been in the best of moods and as a result, it's left me rather scattered. I've had a migraine for a week, my paycheck didn't arrive yesterday, and apparently he hated the Snow White costume that I wore to the Halloween party last week. I've got a lot to do, little time to do it, and I'm only motivated enough to drink coffee and write. I suppose that's something though.

We're supposed to attend a party tonight at Countess' house. I truly don't know whether I'm going to be up for it or not, and I'm actually toying with the idea of going back to bed for a couple of days, pulling the covers up over my head, and waking up next month when things will hopefully be better. But even I know that come tonight, I'll be itching for company....so the party will be a blessing. At least I'll be able to be with people. But no costumes. Sir's already told me that. Maybe I'll just wear jeans, sneakers, and an old tshirt and go as a vanilla.

I can't help myself though...I do have hopes for this weekend. I've spent two wonderful nights with Sir this week already, both of which were spent just being with each other; one for me and one for him, with both of us just needing the other for the comfort we have together.

I'm not feeling particularly bratty, flirty, or happy now though and I sure hope that something changes between now and tonight. I just can't get out of this headspace lately and it's making me sad. My main feeling is just of resignation of "whatever"....and that's not a good place to be. Not even gluing up a storm last night really helped...although it did get me a little happy for a while. Enough to be happy when Sir came online.

I spent the morning looking at some of our old conversations. That always makes me feel better. To remember that time when we'd just spend time online talking. I always fell in love with him like that. With his words. Hearing him through what he wrote, feeling him.

And that's what I'm hoping for this weekend I suppose. I really need to feel him again. Without having to wear a mask.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Can I Have it All and Do I Even Want It?

Another weekend has come and gone and once again I'm sitting at my place, alone except for the cat (who is glad I'm back) and my computer. I don't even have the energy to take care of the things that I need to for the coming week, and I know that by Tuesday morning, I'll be so far behind with those things that I've quite given up hope of catching up.

And it was another weekend which brought nothing but confusion.

While driving home tonight, I realized that I wasn't smiling. In fact, I had such a frown on my face, I could feel my jaw and neck tightening up. I felt as if my life had come crashing down in my face, and I was exhausted from merely being around myself.

I don't know why I constantly feel like this. I slept most of the day today and yet I'm more tired than I've been in months. It's like my brain is slogging around, I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do, and my attention is being divided into to many things. I miss my friends, my granddaughter, my family, my hobbies. In short, I miss my life and I'm feeling guilty about that. And I kind of wonder why the life I have with Sir can't feel more like a life together and not just one that happens at conveniently planned intervals. I wanted an entire life with someone, not just pieces of time together. But our own pieces somehow meshed together with the ones of us together. Crap, I know this doesn't make a bit of sense. Deal with it.

I've thought that the main reason that I didn't find another relationship right away after the old one ended was because I needed time. I needed to find out who I was, what I wanted, and what I wanted from a relationship. I really thought that I'd figured all of those things out and felt ready to start one if it should happen. I knew that I had clear goals, defined myself, and had created a life that I enjoyed living. I had friends, hobbies, a job I loved, and time to do whatever I wanted. The only thing that I hadn't found was that relationship. I was OK with that though. I just figured that it'd happen someday. And I figured I could fit that in with everything else. I knew it'd take up more of my time....I just didn't realize I'd have to give up everything else for it.

I'm wondering if the reason that I avoided doms like the plague before this was because I know how this works. Doms are high maintenance and I just wasn't up to maintaining that sort of relationship right away. Why do I expect myself to drop everything, not have issues and a life that interfere with what he needs, and not to bring my baggage into our time together? I like being a submissive, but that's not all of who I am. He makes me feel wonderful. But is feeling that wonderful when I'm with him worth feeling this horrible when I'm not?

I wonder about the kind of person I've become again. I rarely see my friends anymore without feeling guilty that I'm taking time away from Sir; I've seen my granddaughter three times since April, and I rarely have time to think about my hobbies, much less DO them. It's just too hard to give up the time with Sir for those other things..especially when he needs me. And truthfully, I'm just not sure if it's giving up those things that's got me annoyed, or if I'm annoyed with myself for wanting him more than everything else and letting myself become so attached that I'm willing to give up everything else.

I sit and stare at the walls, wondering what I'm supposed to be doing, instead of actually doing the things I like. I try to fill in the empty spaces with his voice, his presence, but it's just not working. I like to be with him, sitting at his house, hearing him, even just working at the dining room table while he's in his office. I like to hear him pause and say "babydoll....could you come here for a minute?" or "could you bring me something to drink?". I like being with him, even if I'm not sitting in his lap. I could very happily sit at the table, working on something else, while he's watching television. But when he wants me to be with him watching, I always wonder why he can't see that, and why I just can't tell him.

Sir says he doesn't want me to be anyone else except who I am, but I just don't know how to be that, and still be with him. I'm changing from a whole person with a valuable life that I loved, into a person who has no time for anything except working, sleeping and Sir. It's my fault that I let it get this way, but now that it is, how do I stop it?

We're damned good together. When I'm with him, I don't regret an instant of that time. It's only on these Sunday nights that I'm sitting alone, looking at that tequila bottle, and wondering why I just couldn't say no to another weekend, at his house, losing myself in him and forgetting everyone and everything else....me included. Why can't there be a balance when we're together without making either of us feel like we're neglecting each other? Why can't just being together, around each other, be enough sometimes? Why does it have to be all or nothing?

This weekend was hard. I am exhausted with the effort it's taking to constantly be happy, be there for him, and take care of him. He's exhausted with the effort it's taking to not dump on me, and we're both just wondering if this shit will ever end and let us get back to normal. I've gotta admit that my optimism is fading and it's hard to be around him like this. He recognizes the danger. But damned if we're not both just feeding into it.

I don't want him to feel like he can't talk to me, trust me, and know that I'll be around to help him....but I don't know if I can do this all the time. It is draining on me, and as much as I'd like to tell him that I can handle it....I'm just not sure if I can.

I just can't always be happy....I am sad and angry sometimes; and I do have serious problems of my own that I'm trying to deal with. And trying to be positive and pushing my own problems aside to help him deal with his is becoming exhausting. Who do I talk to? Who do I just vent to? Who tells ME that things are going to be ok? How can I continue to be his outlet, when I don't have one of my own? And how can I tell him that I'm sad or unhappy when that will only add to what he's dealing with? I really wish I knew the answer, because it's getting harder and harder to find it in me to be happy. When we're together, it's easy to forget my own stuff. But I'm not sure that I want to anymore. I'm just not sure how I can be with him, help him, and not lose everything else in the process.

And how do I figure this one out without having someone to talk to, when I want everything but can't have it?

That is what I was afraid of all along I think. I don't expect, I don't wish, and I don't want....because I really don't EVER get to have everything that I want. And it sucks too much to pretend. And that's what I feel right now. I'm pretending to be happy, that everything is ok, that I'm not scared, and that he will be OK.

I'm not alone just on Sunday nights. I'm alone in this one for a while I think. My exhaustion isn't with life, it's with the lack of the one I learned to like.

In my search for all, I'm afraid that I'm going to end up with less than I started with.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Best Weekend Ever


This past weekend was probably the best weekend I'd ever had. And I don't think that I did anything all that special. I think it's because I was finally just enjoying myself without worrying about anything.

Friday night started at the Brat class for NEDS. I'd gone to that one not only because I really enjoy hearing the speakers, but because I really wanted to figure out if I was indeed a brat, or if if I just sometimes just liked to play one on tv. I'd spent some time with one of my best friends, and we kind of goaded each other into a bit of misbehaving during the class, but we'd had a ball.

I spent Friday night at Daddy's and on Saturday we'd just sort of hung around. Not doing a whole heck of a lot. I managed to finally get that haircut that I'd been putting off. We'd had lunch, I took the boy over to the park and got him a miniature pumpkin, and I went to go get the babysitter so that Daddy and I could go to a party.

The party was quite a bit further away than we'd usually go for one, but I really wanted Daddy to see the kind of place where I'd grown up. Lots of my friends were there and more than a few of our friends were as well. We talked a lot on the ride up to the party and he'd worried about whether or not we'd run into someone that I had played with before. I assured him that it wasn't likely to happen. And even if it did, most of my playmates wouldn't have breathed a word to him about it. They'd be much more polite than that I think. It's funny though, I don't have that same question in my head when we go somewhere together and I certainly know that we've been places where people he's played with before were at. I guess it's just one of those things I'll never understand.

I really wanted to show him what I'd meant by being used to a different atmosphere, a different crowd that followed rules, a different set of mores I guess. It was a comfortable place, with lots of fun, plenty of room, and well behaved people that weren't at all touristy. I think he could see what I meant when I said that this was a much different crowd of people than we'd been around at some of the local Boston parties. And I think he liked it. Not that the Boston scene is bad...but it is very different.

It was a little chilly in the dungeon, even for Daddy. But we spent some time playing with rope and he ended up putting a really wonderful spider web tie on me. It took a long time to do, and we weren't so much playing with rope as trying to figure it out, but it just seemed different. I don't know whether or not it had to do with the atmosphere, the fact that we were facing each other, or the fact that I'm learning how to enjoy rope AND stay with him at the same time. Maybe all of them. Whatever it was, it worked fabulously. I wish that there was a lot more of that.

On Sunday, we went apple picking with the family and had a great time. The smile on Daddy's face all weekend long was wonderful to me and made me happy. I like it when he's smiling and relaxed. When his face shows it. That's the reward for not being a brat.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Pillow Talk

After bondage club last night, Sir and I went back to my place to relax and unwind. Balloon bondage was a blast, and even the most rope-centric tops seemed to have a ball with that one. I wasn't sure how it was going to go over, but Radagast22 did a fabulous job and everyone was drawn to the fun and silly aspect of bondage with balloons. Daddy thought we might need to bring some balloons to Shibaricon to play with in the dungeon and I think that I really like his silly side...a lot.

When we climbed into bed to snuggle, we started doing what we always do, and what I always look forward to...we started talking. We talk about all kinds of things and I usually fall asleep listening to his voice. It's a nice feeling...to be curled around each other, touching, and having his voice wrapping itself into my brain while I'm floating off. It just makes me feel happy. But in my happy place last night, he'd said a few things that left me with mixed feelings.

He first asked if I knew that he was in this relationship for the long term. I had to admit that I really hadn't known. I knew where my heart was, but I hadn't really understood that his was in the same place. That it is, made me heave a huge mental sigh of relief and took at least one big load of my mind. We're together, as a couple, I'm his girlfriend and he's my boyfriend. Not just sometimes...but all the time. I know that.

But then he started talking about other things that seemed to make him extremely nervous. I could see that the subject scared him and so I did what I usually do when he gets onto something that he's not sure how HE feels about it and is wondering how I feel. I made a joke about shoe closets. I'm not sure why I find it necessary to try to deflect his uncertainty and turn it into something he can backtrack on...but that's what I do. He does kind of the same thing though...he does that eye roll thing and tries to hide his eyes from me. But I also proved last night just how much things are different when I'm able to look into his face and see him there.

I was surprised that he'd even brought up the subject. For the life of me, I swear I thought he was going to want to talk about collars. I'd thought about that and how I'd feel if the subject came up. I'd had that conversation in my head and was prepared for it. I hadn't expected the subject he talked about to be brought up and I certainly wasn't prepared for it.

I will admit though, that it was something that had flitted across my brain every once in a while...mostly on Sunday nights. But when that thought got into my brain, I'd always squashed it down. Especially since he'd already told me that it wasn't likely to happen. I'd read that email a dozen times and finally resigned myself to the fact that eventually, we'd probably just sort of drift "close enough" together to spend a little more time together, but that I'd always end up coming home on Sunday nights alone. At first, I didn't know if I could always feel ok with that, but then I realized that if that was the price I had to pay to have him in my life, then that's what I'd have to learn to live with. The line that wouldn't be crossed.

But I'd also thought about what I'd told him when he asked me what I wanted, needed, and expected from him. About how I'd wanted someone to want me enough to actually be together that way. At the time, I didn't expect it to be him...and I'm still not sure if I really do. Or even if he does.

I know him, and I know that if that subject was something that he wanted to discuss on his own, he wouldn't have been so frazzled doing it. My own thoughts are that he's thinking about what others have said to him and whether or not it's what I expect. He wouldn't have thought about it on his own but for somebody else putting that bug in his ear. I did eventually tell him what I thought about it, but even so....I don't think he's all that comfortable with even the idea. Much less the application.

So, I'm confused again today. I usually find my confusion rather amusing, but this time, I guess I'm just resigned to whatever happens. I don't hold out hope for things that aren't likely. I don't want to wish for what probably isn't possible. And I don't expect this is a confusion that is easily going to gain clarity anytime soon.

But I DO know that I miss not being alone.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Importance of Being Earnest

I’ve always believed I was pretty good at being a submissive, mostly because it came pretty naturally to me. I wanted someone stronger, more intelligent, authoritarian, but also someone to laugh with, smile, act silly and play around with life with. I needed someone to lead me in the journey we were taking together, to let me fly under watchful eyes and to be my comfort and security when I'd made a mistake. The exchange would come from my need to help, support, pamper, cajole, protect, tease, flirt and be a complimentary element to his own life.

But I also have a very dominant side that was necessary to develop for my own protection. And, well hell...just to live life without constantly getting trampled upon. I have a job that requires me to sometimes be intimidating and not to be susceptible to suggestion from those in perceived authority. I am always nice, but I really can tell someone to go fuck themselves in such a way that they'd enjoy doing it.

But I am also a people pleaser. I do those jobs that nobody wants, I sometimes take on much more than I can handle because I like to make others’ lives easier and happier. It took me a long time to learn that by pleasing myself, I could be much more effective everywhere else. I had no problems learning how to help others...I DID have problems learning how to be selfish. And I'll admit...sometimes I rather like it.

So it shouldn't come as a surprise that it sometimes takes a while to figure out how to leave the everyday, slightly selfish, dominant type person at the door when I arrive at Sir's and let the real me out. I usually can do it on my own...after all, I’m dropping a mask to become the mirror, but sometimes things don’t always come all that easy and I need help. Especially at those times when Sir isn’t feeling especially domly at the moment.

I’m beginning to understand that in being a good submissive to Sir most of the time, combined with the fact that he really doesn’t see me in day-to-day situations with family, courts, lawyers, and the rest of the world....well, he probably thinks that it’s a seamless transition. And because being a submissive in a relationship is what I expect, it is not just a role...he probably doesn’t understand that sometimes I just need to have my hair pulled, be told to kneel and to just behave myself. Just as sometimes he just needs me to kneel at his feet and pasha him to death.

So, when neither of us are feeling quite “up to” our usual roles, how does one still be a “good submissive” or a “good dominant”?

It’s funny, but I have to remember that without both halves of this exchange, the other can’t happen either. I can’t feel comfortable enough to submit when he’s not feeling comfortable enough to dominate. And then that vicious circle starts....if he wanted me to submit, he’d start acting like a dom....if she wanted me to act like a dom, why doesn’t she start submitting and stop acting like a brat? And that doesn’t get either of us anywhere except me feeling like he just doesn’t care and him feeling like there’s something wrong and wondering where his “good submissive” disappeared to. Someone has to break that circle, but when you’re going around it, not only is it hard to recognize...it’s not perpetual motion...but it's damned hard to stop.

So from now on I think that I’ll just try to remember that I’m not expected to be a “good submissive”. I’m only supposed to love him and things will just have to work themselves out from there. Someday he’ll understand what my loving him really means. And someday he'll trust me enough to believe it. It's another one of those things that the only proof will come at some indeterminate date in the future. One day he'll look at me and say "babydoll....you're never going to leave me because I'm never going to leave you".

But in the meantime, I think that I’ll try better to recognize that circle of "not submissive/not dominant enough" and put my own brakes on. I can’t promise that I’ll be very good at that. I mean...he’s also my daddy and sometimes giving a little girl an inch...well....let’s just say that this one’s going straight for the belly button every damned time.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Making Love is NOT What?

BDSM is about sexual intensity; it is not about making love. BDSM sex is unapologetically sex concerned with generating intense sensual experiences; it is sex for pleasure (even if the definition of what is pleasurable is defined in oddball ways)


I recently had a discussion with an old friend about whether or not I preferred "fucking" or "making love". Since neither love nor sex were a large part of many of my bdsm relationships, I never spent a lot of time considering if there even was a difference. I finally told her that I really couldn't remember a time where I'd "made love". To me, making love meant that I had to love someone and until recently, that hadn't happened.

I also told her that I thought fucking had to do with the physical, while making love had to do with the mental. Since I've spent a lot of years keeping things in my head, I'm not sure that I'd even remember what making love feels like.

Being a masochist, someone who gets wet at the mention of pain, who can take pain and turn it into pure unadulterated bliss and being someone who rarely feels alive without feeling some kind of physical pain during sex...that conversation got me thinking about whether or not love and bdsm can co-exist. And, if it does....does that change a D/s relationship for better or for worse?

After Sir and I realized that we did love each other, he'd wondered if loving me would affect how comfortable he was hurting me. Or something to that effect. I'd brushed it off as being somewhat a silly thing to worry about. He is a sadist, I am a masochist. Each, a side of a coin that can't exist without the other side. But recent events have made me wonder about that. Mostly it has to do with the mental aspects of love.

I love Sir. I've accepted that and I revel in the comfort that our relationship has because of that love. We talk about all sorts of things and explore our emotions together. A D/s relationship is unique because it demands from each of us truthfulness, negotiation, communication, trust, and accountability. What we do can't be explored any other way. There's too much at stake.

But sometimes I wonder if all those things that make a really successful D/s relationship also don't put added stresses on a love relationship. I wonder if all that sharing and discussion of emotions and feelings aren't sometimes more than we'd be willing to share outside of one. How do you balance loving someone so much that you'd do anything to not hurt them with hurting someone(and enjoying the pain) because you love them?

After thinking about all of these things, I've come to my own conclusion. What works for me.

I belong to Sir. We love each other. We communicate, disagree, and lay ourselves open to each other. Sometimes it works very well on it's own, while others we need to learn how to make it work together. BDSM and love isn't an either/or proposition for me. They either have to work together or I don't want either. Love enhances our D/s relationship and because of our D/s relationship, our love is enhanced. I think, in our relationship we make love. And I think that's because my mind becomes his, my soul is laid open for him, and my heart is at it's most vulnerable. If I didn't love him...none of those things would happen. And I've gotten used to things that way. To me, I could no more fuck Sir now than I could play with a tarantula. So in the rare instances that something goes awry and my mind, body, heart and soul are not together....I feel lost.

What I've learned from BDSM is what makes loving him worth the struggles I sometimes have with my fears and my past. What I learned from having a D/s relationship is what makes me hungry to feel him through everything that we do. And love is what taught me that love itself is not the ability to forgive and forget, it is the ability to hear that which is scary....and know that there's nothing to fear.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Vulnerability, Intimacy and D/s

"The more open and vulnerable I am with you, the less submissive you are and the readier you are to say no to me".

Those were the words that knocked my world upside down.

That statement, made in a moment of frustration, self-doubt, and maybe even emotional exhaustion left me feeling as if I perhaps, had stuffed my submission in a closet for a while.

I've had some issues with the expression of my submission off and on with Sir. I haven't made any secret of that fact. At the beginning of our relationship, I wasn't sure if another D/s relationship was something that I'd even really wanted to get into again. A few months ago, I'd learned that not only was it the kind of relationship I wanted, but that I would have to make that leap and give everything I had to it. Then there was some talk about some limits that I'd felt he kind of put out there with regards to our relationship which left me wondering if I'd made a mistake. I haven't made a mistake about him....I love him more today than I'd ever imagined I could love someone. No, the mistake I wondered about was if I'd fallen in love, only to do it with someone who had been hurt even more than I had been and that I didn't stand a chance in hell of ever being able to have him trust me enough to see that I wasn't made in the same mold.

I'd told him many times that I wanted a whole relationship. I wanted to share in the good and the bad things. Sometimes the hardest things are what make the strongest relationship. It's kind of like the more you share, the closer you become. And learning to get through the shit together just adds to the strands that hold you together. At least if they don't pull you apart first.

I'd wanted to know all of him. I told him that I didn't think that I could love someone that couldn't show me his own emotions. I think he understands mine better for being able to show his. But was I making a mistake asking him for those things? Would we be better off in our D/s relationship if he didn't? Maybe...but I don't think I'd want a relationship of any kind like that.

He's fed me small pieces of himself over the past months...but I've never felt like he'd done any of it of his own volition. I always felt like circumstances had forced him to reveal things to me that he wasn't comfortable revealing. And the latest piece to that is that the more vulnerable he feels, the harder I work to show him that he is...after all is said and done....just the man I love. Not the dominant, not the daddy, just the man. A caring, feeling, emotional and vulnerable man. And maybe that does come off too much like I'm less submissive and ready to say no to him. I don't think so...but it does make me think that we might be entering into a new place in our relationship. One which I didn't expect so soon.

So what's the problem?

A favorite quote comes to mind:

"Intimacy is based on shared vulnerability...nothing deepens intimacy like the experiences that we share when we feel flayed, with our skins off, scared and vulnerable, and our partner is there with us, willing to share in the scary stuff." The Ethical Slut by Dossie Eastman and Katherine Liszt


Its not that he's too vulnerable to be a dominant, or that when he's vulnerable I'm not submissive "enough". It's that we're learning something new for the both of us. I'm used to being vulnerable as a submissive. I'm used to sharing my emotions as a woman. But I think that for men, and dominant men in particular...being vulnerable scares them. And for women, and submissive women in particular...we just want those we love to be as happy sharing their vulnerability and emotions as we are. We sense their hesitation and vulnerability and we try our hardest to show them that they're loved, strong and secure with us. And that tips the balance just to the opposite side enough that maybe....submission doesn't look or feel the same then. I think that in helping our dominants through their own issues....we have to be stronger and more no-nonsensy, and that might come off looking like we're being less submissive. I don't think that's the reality...but perception doesn't always mirror what's real.

Intimacy in a relationship is scary. It brings everything together in a way that does leave each of us open to ridicule, uncertainty, and emotional abandonment, if not an actual physical one. Many women can't handle their partners' being anything less than strong, sure and always on top of their game. How can we feel safe and protected if our partner is unsure and vulnerable sometimes? And in a D/s relationship....that sort of thing is especially difficult considering the strength and bonds of trust that go into one.

Which reminds me of another favorite quote:

"There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip away another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked." - Yaldah Tovah


I think that this holds true not just for submissives....but for dominants as well. A dominant is no less dominant for his ability to stand naked.