Monday, August 31, 2009

Admiration

I'm a late comer to the internet.

When I first learned about kink, there weren't all that many books geared to het women about it. Gloria Brame hadn't yet published; there wasn't the Bottoming Handbook, and the internet was for all intents and purposes non-existent. And when those became more readily available...well.... I hadn't bothered with the internet or books because I was in a relationship where I learned it from the bottom up, so to speak. I thought I knew EVERYTHING!

So imagine my surprise when Sir told me all about the various things I could do on the internet! Unfortunately, I've spent most of my time on Facebook, Fetlife and Twitter, and googling every conceivable permutation of kink. Oh, and lets not forget the porn, or more affectionately called: SHOE SHOPPING!

I hadn't really looked at blogs, and I didn't follow any of them beyond what Sir sent my way. Until I started following a fabulous woman on Twitter: Mollena Williams. I then checked out her blog. If you don't follow Mollena, you're missing one of the most charming women who tells it like it is.

She's posted a wonderful blog entry that really hits home with me at the moment. View it here

I think this lady is one that I'll keep an eye on. With a mouth like that, why wouldn't I?

Sunday, August 30, 2009

My Vacation

So I finally took a vacation. I hadn't done so in over three years and I'd never done so without having some definite travel arrangements made. Usually somewhere exciting or at least warm.

This year, I needed some time to relax. Some time to do some errands, read a little, and generally just chill.

I found out that this whole staycation idea is really for the birds.

I spent some time with Sir. I met his sister, niece and brother-in-law who were visiting from Texas. I apparently passed the "boob and hug" test with flying colors. I shopped with the sis and niece for shoes (what's not to love about that?) and we'd just sat and chatted. They're nice people and I'm glad I got to meet some of Sir's family. I wish I were prouder of mine (or at least liked them a little more) so that he could meet some of mine too. Maybe someday....

I spent the weekend with him just hanging and relaxing. I did do that at least. We watched several movies: Showgirls (I give it a C- and only because of the tits); Hedwig and the Angry Inch (I give that one a D- because I couldn't figure it out); and Torch Song Trilogy (always an A+ with me). We talked, slept, and generally just relaxed. I actually never thought that I was on vacation, I was more or less at Sir's for the weekend. That's becoming a habit that I'm not sure is a good thing. My weekends are singularly focused and that's scaring me a bit. If I'm to learn how to do this on my own...shouldn't I also learn how to BE alone?

Nothing became clearer this week than it has over the past few months. I'm still trying to figure things out.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Q's Birthday Party


It was an interesting evening.

I had spent the day with Sir and his family but I really wanted to go to Q's birthday party. I asked Sir if it would be OK for me to go without him, I'd probably play with NorthernBelle or just hang with friends. He's used to me attending things without him now and knows that, while I won't have a great time, at least I'll be with people. I really had wanted him to go, though I understood that with his family visiting, and the heat, he probably wouldn't really want to. It feels differently when I'm walking into somewhere with him, with his hand on my back and with people seeing us together. I think that might be part of the problem with some of my friends...they don't see us together nearly enough.

But I did understand about the party. I left and went home for a while to visit the cat and get a change of clothes.

I called him when I was ready and asked him if he'd changed his mind and to my delight, he had. So back to MA I drove to pick him up.

When we arrived at the party, we started to play in the dungeon. Whips were on the menu and this was one of those nights that it was all for him. No warm up, no scening, just plain pain taken for his benefit. Which was ok with me, if that's the price I had to pay for the party, it was worth it. Sometimes he just likes to hurt me for him. I learned that lesson a while ago and while it's not my favorite way to BE hurt, I deal with it because it makes him happy.

During the whipping Renee showed up. She was wearing her librarian outfit and when I ran over to hug her, I whispered that she'd drive Sir crazy with that look. I already knew how much Sir had missed playing with Renee and how much he really liked her. We'd talked about adding people to play with together, and we'd talked about how that might make me feel. I'd thought about this a lot over the past few months, and was kind of happy that the opportunity hadn't really come up. What I didn't know was how I would react to him playing with her. I was in for a surprise.

I asked him to play with Renee. At first, he looked at me wondering how I'd feel. I told him that I'd be fine and that I wanted him to do it. He looked at me for reassurance of my headspace and I tried to convince him that I really WAS ok with it. He started whipping her and then both of us. Renee and I have always had an affinity for each other. She says she admires my sexiness (which always makes me giggle hysterically) and I admire her elegance and poise. Sir was excited by the two of us together under his whip. He said it was because we are so striking in our differences.

Afterwards, Sir was cuddling with the both of us and he kind of gave me a carte blanche to do whatever I'd wanted to him, as long as it didn't involve pain or tickling.

AHA: Of course I went for the belly button. I motioned for Renee to join in and between the two of us, we drove Sir crazy. All around us people were wondering what I could possibly be doing to Sir to make him laugh the way he did. They thought I was giving him a blow job and when they found out I was attacking his belly button...well let's just say that the laughter was hilarious. So much for my service-topping skills huh?

After a bit, I left Sir and Renee for some more play while I went to visit with friends. I did stay long enough to watch a bit of their scene and my surprise came when I found that I wasn't jealous at all. I was happy for him. I was thrilled that I could do that for him and I was elated that he could once again play with someone who means a great deal to him. Of course, it doesn't hurt that I'm attracted to Renee as well and she's not averse to snogging me either.

That's what I mean about being sure of yourself in a relationship. I couldn't have done that if I didn't trust myself....not to mention trusting him.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

On Collars and Being a Part-Timer

Sir and I had a discussion the other night while at dinner. The gist of it ended up with him asking me if I felt like I was his part time girlfriend. Before I thought about an answer, I just said yes. I wasn't really sure why I'd said that, I just said whatever popped into my head at the time.

After thinking about this for a bit, I think that collars and the part-time feeling may actually be related. I didn't know why I'd felt like that, I couldn't explain it when it came out...I'd just felt it that way.

So I did what I usually do, I wrote Sir a letter and told him what was on my mind. I also had a few questions for him....and somehow I think I'm going to be waiting a long time for any clarity on those.

But suffice to say that I no longer view collars in the same way that I once did. A collar went from being a symbol of the relationship that I had with J, to a symbol of the heartbreak that I found when it ended. It now is something that I hope to wear again someday....but also something that I realize probably isn't going to happen with Sir.

And I'm not sure if that makes me sad or just apathetic.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Am I Hearing Shit or Just Not Getting It?

So, apparently the shit has hit the proverbial fan on this one.

I listen. Mostly I listen well, but sometimes...every once in a while...the wires get twisted and what I think I hear isn't necessarily what's supposed to be heard. This time however, I'm pretty sure I've pieced everything together pretty correctly.

Sir has said many things over the course of our relationship that led me to believe that there were limits he'd placed on where he was willing to go with this. What I'd heard was that there was never going to be a time, no matter how we might feel, no matter what happened, where things would progress beyond me being his sub, me being his girlfriend, and me being alone a lot of the time. I got that.

Figuring out whether or not I want to live like that....well....let's just say I haven't quite figured that out yet. I'm still learning how to change my own oil.

Some of the limits that he's imposed are understandable. I certainly know what we've both been through with our respective divorces; I certainly do understand that jumping into things before thinking is a bad idea. But two things that he'd said that bothered me almost to the point of obsession were: "no collars for you babydoll" and "I could never live with anyone again". It seemed a little to me like putting the cart before the horse after only being together for a few months.

But after I'd thought about it...the thought that struck me the most was that after everything I'd learned in the past seven months, everything that I'd allowed him to become to me...well...I felt that he was telling me in no uncertain terms that I'd make a huge mistake. And here I thought I'd finally found someone to love. At my age...I should have probably known better. After 44 years of liking people "well-enough", I should have listened to my head and not the to the oxytocin or endorphins. Guys are not the only ones who think with the wrong part of their anatomy. Girls do it pretty frequently as well.

But what I thought he was telling me was that I'm really on my own and that I need to rely on myself, make plans for myself, think about myself...while at the same time owning me and telling me to rely on him, think of him, focus on him. Does anyone have any clue just how hard that is to do?

And you wonder why I'm confused?

I feel kind of like I'm back at Square One again. My submission radar has gone haywire and I'm not altogether sure that I'm able to fully submit to someone who only wants a part time girlfriend/submissive. I'm back into bottom mode much of the time and as a result I'm back into being The Brat a lot. It's my thing that keeps me out of submissive space and in bottom space so that I don't confuse the two. Confusing them is all too easy if you're not careful.

Looking back, I thought my problem was that I couldn't do this part time and be happy. I thought that by holding back part of myself I could do a sort of situational submission...a party sub, a sub when we were together...but the rest of the time...I'd be left to my own devices. Never fully with him....yet never fully away from his influence either. When I thought I'd figured out that the reason I was so darned unhappy was because I needed to be myself and not half of myself, it made all the pieces of what I was going through seem clear.

I just never expected that MY problem was that HE didn't want it any other way.

Just when I thought I'd figured out my confusion and had finally started working towards things being less confusing...I get this thrown into the mix.

Some days are like that I guess.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

August Bondage Club- I Push Back

I went to bondage club alone tonight. The theme was outdoor bondage, not a favorite of Sir's. So I went alone to see my friends.

When I got there, Jessica was there with her friend Rubberplumber. Jessica introduced me to him saying I was "Meredith's Wendy" and I corrected her and said no, I'm Sir's Wendy. She then told me that Merry was going to play with them tonight if I wanted to join in. I told her no. I couldn't fathom why she'd thought I'd want to do something like that.

We started outside, but the bugs got bad. I didn't tie anyone to any trees, I was talking to girly and a few others. Merry showed up and attached herself to me. I told her that i was going to go play with Belle for a while. She said (her exact words) "Great, let's go play with Belle". I told her that NO, she wasn't invited by Belle to play and that we were going to be hurting her...but she could watch if she wanted to. Typically, she stayed with Q and the rest of the group. BMT tied Belle to a chair and when he was done, he wrapped her head in plastic. He then put on a clothespin zipper and let me yank it off her. He did some breathplay with her while I was hitting her with a brush...she had a ball, but it didn't do a thing for me actually. Although teasing her with the zipper was kind of fun :)

We went inside for the second half. Merry tried to corral me for tickles, but I growled at her and she backed off. She also whined at me again about not spending time with her.

I stayed upstairs. T called me over to her and had a very concerned look on her face. I asked her what was up and she said "You need to tie Q". I asked her why I needed to do that and she said that he's in tears, almost crying because he wasn't getting tied up. I told her that I couldn't. She said that I _had_ to. I told her that under no circumstances could I tie him. Sir hadn't given me permission to tie anyone except a select few people, and then only pretty ties.

She then asked me to call Sir and beg for permission. I told her I wouldn't. She asked again and I told her no. Afterwards I sat with her and J and explained about why I wasn't going to tie Q and why I wasn't going to ask Sir for permission for something that we'd already discussed and that I knew he'd say no to anyway. I also told her that if she wanted to call him herself and take the beating that I was sure to get for asking for permission for something that I knew was not going to happen, then she was free to do so, but I still wasn't going to tie Q.


I looked at J and said "Sir is my boyfriend and I love him, he's not just my dom or play partner" . T piped up and said that I should think of him as my dom first. J said that no, I was right and told T to drop it. I then told her that if SHE wanted to tie Q, I could stand near her and give instruction, but that I was under no circumstances going near him with rope. It's funny how when things change not to someone's benefit, they have second thoughts.


It's so odd to me that people still don't get this. What do I have to do so that they'll stop? Do I have to wear a label that says that I only play with girls?