Monday, December 21, 2009

Failing....at Forgetting

I’m not sure what happened. One minute I was watching television across the room from sir and the next, I was upstairs in bed alone, crying. I can’t even tell you what my thought process was except that I’d failed. I’d failed to keep his interest, I’d failed to find some way to feel comfortable with that feeling I’ve been “put away for now”. I know from personal experience that a lot of a D/s relationship is just a lot of the waiting, the boredom, and the feeling that I am at the disposal of his whim, not the other way around. I just didn’t stop to think that it would be this hard. Maybe that’s the difference with having a boyfriend who is your sir. Being comfortable finding yourself put away for a while by your sir, with trying to fit in those extra few hours with your boyfriend before going home again. It always seems like on one hand, I shouldn’t be upset with being by myself, just watching him to see if he needs me; while on the other just wanting those extra few minutes with him to get me through until next time.

This was always one of the things that I had the hardest time dealing with. I think it happens because I’m an interactive person, and not a piece of furniture. And because, well frankly...I spent a lot of years being ignored by a spouse that didn’t care, children who’d rather I wasn’t making their lives miserable, and one relationship where I was always second. I've thought a lot about that relationship recently....mostly about how much I prefer the one I have now. But I got used to being alone in my own head. I got used to zoning out. I got used to doing what I wanted when I wanted to do it. When I get in that headspace, my mood becomes more of a “I don’t give a fuck” than “let’s ask permission to not give a fuck”. And that’s where I am right now. I just don't know how to remember.

I think that some of this has to do with the fact that I really am just a visitor in his life. Every weekend, I sort of move into his space, intrude in his life, and I end up wandering around a strange place where I have nothing to keep me occupied, nothing to stop my brain from thinking of all those times when I was required to be physically present, but nobody ever requiring my mind to even be in the same time zone. I can cook for him, I can clean for him, and I can pay attention to him, but at the end of the day, even with his smile of appreciation, do I really care about any of it? My body is performing the actions that he requires, but I’m not really there. I’m invisible again. And I find that I really don’t like that feeling this time. I used to take pride in being invisible. Now, it’s the last thing I want to be.

And I think that some of this also comes from my fucking inability not to anticipate. I don’t know when that happened. I used to take each day that we spent together as if it were the only one I’d have for a month. Now, I anticipate spending time with him and I’m always a little disappointed when the reality doesn’t quite match what bug has gotten into my brain. I really need to stop creating a bubble of “how cool would it be” in my head...and just remember to create a “whatever happens, happens” bubble. I’ve got to stop myself from wishing.

He’d mentioned something about rope. He’d wanted to try to figure out a picture that I’d sent to him. It’s been a long time since we did any rope together in his house. I actually can’t even remember the last time we broke out the rope bag for either play or practice. I’m starting to feel like me and him and rope is just a disappointment. What started out as a really wonderful dance, has turned into one that I’d just prefer to sit out. Not really. I don’t want to sit out. But it’s like I don’t really have a choice. I think that it’s just that I feel like he doesn’t want to dance with me anymore. Another failure. It sucks, but what are you gonna do? Wish for things that can’t happen? Or deal with things the way they are?

And truth be told there were some other things that obviously had bothered me more than I’d let on. I’m working on dealing with those feelings. It’s not jealousy exactly....it's more like I’ve seen how this goes. Patterns that repeat and patterns that I’d forgotten how hard they were for me to get through. I’ll have to admit, it’s far easier to deal with some of those things when I’m making a conscious decision to deal with them....it’s a lot harder to deal with them when I’m filled in after-the-fact. Another wall that I’d forgotten was so hard to climb.

So today, I’ve given up on trying to make sense of the weekend. There were just too many reminders of things that I’d rather not think about at this particular time of year. This week is hard enough already without having to deal with all of that. I just hope that I’m not a failure at forgetting this weekend. That’d be one that I’d really like to not remember.

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