Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Doesn't Hold a Candle to It

Friday night was the first night of Hanukkah for 2009. It also happened to be the start of my weekend with Daddy.

Ordinarily I don’t spend Friday nights with Daddy. It’s his time with the boy and although I like spending time with both of them, I don’t want to get into a habit of coming between their time together. It’s important to me that their habits continue as it always had before I came into the picture. Stability is important for the both of them.

But this Friday was different. Daddy and I hadn’t seen each other during the week because of the weather, and because I wasn’t feeling well. And he wanted me there.

When I walked through the door, I was a bit earlier than they’d expected. Both of them came around the corner to the door with huge smiles on their faces. They were both happy to see me and both seemed pretty excited that I was there. It was a pretty cool feeling walking into the house and feeling that.

We ate dinner after Daddy and the boy did their Friday night candles, and with an extra candle because it was Hanukkah. There was some unexpected pyrotechnics with the menorah candle and a placemat, but other than a little charring, things worked out ok. While we were eating, the boy and Daddy told me about Hanukkah....several versions of it. That’s something that’s pretty typical. Whenever Daddy tells a story...I always wait for the “on the other hand” part that I know will be coming. Maybe that’s part of why things drive him crazy a lot of times. Historical and cultural shades of grey...creating a sort of chaos in its own way. There never seems to be much in the way of black and white. And maybe that’s why I’m always so amused by it.

After the boy received his present, and after he’d ate the candy coins I brought for him, Daddy and I sat for a while and relaxed. We talked for a while and then he told me he had a surprise for me. I couldn’t imagine what it would be. He told me to go grab my computer and then he proceeded to show me that he’d given me my own piece of the web. He’d grabbed the domain for nakedconfusion. I was tickled that he’d thought of that, I never would have in a million years. But that’s the wonderful thing about Daddy. He’s able to find just the right thing to make me smile. And geeklove always does it!

After we’d gone to bed, talking and cuddling (we both wear pajamas when the boy is home), I finally had the best night’s sleep I’d had all week. Even with the stuffy nose and coughing. Sometime during the night, the boy had crawled into bed next to Daddy. He told me in the morning that although the bed got pretty crowded with the three of us there, he’d just lain awake for a while smiling at the thought of both of the people he loves snuggling with him. I’ve told him that we do it because he’s so warm to sleep next to. But if you really want to know, I think it’s because both of us are able to relax curled next to Daddy. We both know that we’re safe from the monsters in our heads, we both know that he’s got us wrapped in his love...and we both know that there’s no place else on earth that we’d rather be at that moment.

Or perhaps, crowding Daddy in his bed is just our way of saying that we love him more than anyone else...and that we know he loves us too. Nobody else would let us warm our cold feet on his legs or steal his covers and pillow so that we could sleep. And nobody else makes us feel as special and loved as Daddy.

As lovely as my first Hanukkah was, it occurs to me that that most lovely thing about that night was the feeling that I'd become part of them. So much so--that the boy and I could be hogging the bed from Daddy and all he does is smile at the thought. All the Hanukkah candles in the world don’t hold a candle to the feeling we get snuggled next to Daddy’s love on a cold winter’s night.

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