Sunday, November 22, 2009

10 (+2) Things I Wish Somebody Told Me About Submission

I've been thinking a lot about something that Daddy mentioned to me a few times. He asked me what I'd tell a new submissive if one came to me for advice. I thought about that and wondered if I had anything that would make sense. I also wondered if my advice is just something that worked for me and maybe submissives need to learn from their own mistakes. I haven't figured that one out.

But since I'm a bossy, chatty and opinionated woman, here's 10 things that I would tell someone exploring their submissive desires for the first time.

My advice for new submissives:

1. Nobody is submissive all the time- including you. If you were submissive all the time, imagine how hard it would be to even walk out the door in the morning, deal with a job, kids, family...the IRS. And sometimes the big girl panties have to be firmly in place in order to help your dominant. They're only human too.

2. Only the rarest few dominants actually want you to always sit quietly, look away from them, and not engage in conversation. Believe it or not..most actually want you to talk with them, engage with them and be like-you-know..a real person and not a book one.

3. Be clear about what you're seeking. Kinky sex? A good beating? Someone to hold your leash? If you're looking for one thing and the dominant that attracts you is looking for something else...well...Just because they're a "D" and you're an "s" doesn't mean that they'll work together right.

4. If you want a relationship, look for compatibility in that first. If the underlying relationship is worth anything, the D/s aspect will be easier to integrate because of the rest.

5. Do not give over all your control, sense, and ability to make your own decisions to any dominant right away. It takes time to learn about what a dominant actually wants to control, and whether you're ready to take the next step. Any submissive who gives up everything right away is just asking to be taken advantage of. And believe me...there's plenty of people (not just dominants) that will only be too glad to help you.

6. Being a submissive does not mean that your needs need to be ignored. Anyone whose done this before should tell you that to not have those needs fulfilled, just means that you're fooling yourself. The best sex on earth won't take the place of a shoulder to cry on or a cuddle when you're down if that's what you need to be happy.

7. Do not look to a dominant to fulfill you. You have to be a whole person before you can submit to anyone. It is a conscious choice, not a forced falsity.

8. Pick your battles. When in any D/s relationship, don't waste a battle with either your dominant or yourself on things that in the long run just don't matter. If you choose wisely, your dominant will know they're important because you've spoken up about them.

9. Don't expect a dominant to fix you. Yes, many can and do take great delight in helping submissives overcome their fears and challenges, but they don't want clingy, messed up, problems on their hands.

10. Don't make D/s the reason for entering into a relationship. Yes, you might want that IN your relationship, but very few work long term with ONLY D/s in common. After a time, the submissive usually ends up feeling unappreciated while the dominant feels like they've always got to be coming up with rules, punishments and expectations. It's hard on both of you to constantly try to be perfect.

Above all, be honest with yourself about what you are and aren't willing to do. Things will be in flux during a relationship and as it progresses, things that weren't something you'd thought you'd want, might be something that you'd at least like to try.

And my last piece of advice is stay away from the damned Sleeping Beauty books. Believe sub can kneel for 20 hours and hang by her wrists for days. It's an unrealistic goal. Instead, find a submissive who is already in a relationship with a dominant and watch how they behave with each other. If it's a style that you might like...ask if he or she would be willing to let you bounce questions off of them. Not every submissive experience is going to be the same.

But the mistakes always are.

[Daddy has offered to write a corresponding post geared for new dominants. I'll post it as soon as he's done]

1 comment:

Sephareh said...

Great pieces of advice, and ones that are ignored in Sleeping Beauty and all the other fictionalized accounts.

You mean Mr. Perfect won't take me away on a white horse and fix my entire life???? lol.