Monday, November 9, 2009

New York State of Mind

We spent the weekend in NYC. The main reason we'd gone was to meet some of our twitter friends who were having their calendar release party. The NYCSexBlog Calendar party held at Fontana's. I got to meet Mr. Njoy (and I got to tell him how much I loved him... er...his toys) along with many of the bloggers that I love to read. And we got to have a little fun with Twisted Monk and rope. But it was a strange weekend and several things happened that have made me wonder.

The party was amazing, but it was really crowded.

I'd told Daddy before that I was actually quite shy. It has become obvious that some of the things I tell him, especially those that don't mesh with how I appear to be around him, don't make much of an impact. This is important for me to understand...how I act sometimes is NOT how I feel and what he sees doesn't always mirror who I am.

It has also become patently obvious that sometimes I need to think less about him and more about me. I just don't know how to do that.

In large crowds of people, I'm not always at my best. I frequently feel out of place. I'm too wary of people to truly feel comfortable around them, and I tend to watch more than participate. I prefer smaller groups where I can watch from around the edges and then when I've gotten the feel of the group, to decide which part of me needs to come out. I've always had this problem in large groups of people I don't know. I can't stand it when people look at me. Which, considering how I dress and act usually, I'm sure that Daddy doesn't understand that one either.

There came a point at the party where I knew Daddy was just as uncomfortable, but instead of being able to tell him that I was out of my element and figure out that we had to rely on each other, I instead focused on him. It was a way I think of not having to look at my failings again. But this time, he'd taken my concern about him as my thinking something was wrong with him.

I was surprised at how sharply he said it. I was hurt that he'd thought my concern looked like...I don't know..disdain? That I'd somehow fucked things up again. And he's seen how that plays out. I just had to get the hell out of dodge and find a way to get some air, take some deep breaths, and attack the problem from a different direction. But he hates when I leave. He thinks it's going to be forever, when all I really need is a few minutes to find my equilibrium again. When he's angry, hurt, or disappointed, it goes right into the bottom of my stomach and sits there. It feels a lot like I've been sucker punched.

I didn't sleep very well last night because it's far easier to know that things are ok when I'm curled up next to him. Being awake at 3 am gives me time to think though. And what I thought about was the one thing that I kept hearing over and over again.

And that is, that he doesn't trust me. My actions of walking away from a fight, of running away when he's angry, of self-preservation when I'm upset, have caused him not to trust me. As much as we love each other, I'm not sure that this is something that we'll ever be able to figure out given our own baggage. As much as I love him, I don't know how to stop myself from running when I've been a disappointment; and as much as he loves me, he'll never see me as anyone except a woman who has the potential to abandon him and hurt him.

We'd repaired some of the damage by Sunday night. And then he said that times like those is when he wished he'd had me on a leash so that I could only run a few feet and he'd know where I was. I couldn't say the words to him that were in my head: there will be no leashes, because a collar would also be required to attach it to. And since collars to me mean forever, even if I know they sometimes don't end up that way, and since I'm not firmly convinced that what we have between us will ever be enough to overcome ourselves, there will be no collars or leashes. I finally get that now.

And despite two more days in NY that went nicely, my NY state of mind about that frankly sucks. I went home last night thinking that while we ended up having nice weekend after all, I just couldn't help wondering if we'd also started that downslide into ending things. I can't help myself from those bad habits of a lifetime; even knowing how I am, he won't help me learn how to adapt them, and I'm afraid that the result will always be me feeling his disappointment, and him wondering if I'll be back.

And I don't know how we'll ever be able to fix this when neither of us can find a way to move on.

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