Sunday, November 15, 2009

I Can't Believe I Forgot To Tell Him This

A friend of mine said something to me this weekend that at first, I thought "how nice". After leaving daddy again tonight, I'm now thinking...and that's what makes this the hardest thing on earth.

My friend is interested in exploring for himself, what daddy and I have together. He's written about it on his blog We're trying to help him meet normal people, who aren't damaged, needy or crazy and who practice this thing we call "WIITWD", and by doing so, hopefully he'll be able to meet someone who can help him experience what he wants...or at least find some more friends who understand how he feels so that he can explore those things on his own.

But one of the most important things I've forgotten to tell my friend in all our conversations, is that the feelings he's having, what he sees between daddy and me, the need as he calls it....is also one of the hardest things to deal with when you have to finally come back to the reality of life.

When daddy and I are together, things are usually pretty damned wonderful. That time is filled with togetherness, closeness, sharing, laughter, and intensity. We play in public because we enjoy ourselves. People who see us together might think that it comes easy for us. We play at play...and even during those times when it gets a little intense, we're still enjoying each other enormously. We've spent about 11 months together and it still amazes me that every time I leave him, just how horrible that feeling is. For the both of us.

The very intensity of emotion, the closeness that we share, the comfort that we find with each other is also what causes a huge drop in both of us on Sunday nights. It really hasn't gotten any easier over time because as we get closer to each other, the harder it is to leave when we have to. Trying to get through the worst feelings is made all that much harder when you've just spent a couple of days experiencing the best.

I'm still learning how to deal with my daddy drop. Some weekends are easier than others. Weekends like this are very bad. It'll be Wednesday or so before I start to feel happy and normal again. In the meantime, I'll wander through in a sort of foggy memory of this weekend, and an anticipation of the next. Somewhere between the two, I'll finally hit on a combination of things that will make it bearable.

So to my friend....I wouldn't dream of saying anything to you to lessen your excitement, damper your search, or deter you from your experience. But I wanted to tell you that when you find what your looking for....that's when it's really going to get hard. Finding what you seek can bring the greatest pleasure.....and can also bring the most devastating lows when you have to return to the real world.

But even knowing this and experiencing it....I wouldn't change a damned thing.

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