Saturday, November 28, 2009

Ghosts of Christmas Past

Yesterday was one of those no good, very bad days.

I got a call from the ex while I was at lunch with daddy. The ex said that he was putting up the Christmas tree and other assorted decorations and did I want to come by and get anything? I'd been dreading this day for nearly a year and now that the time had come to divide twenty years of family memories, I couldn't face doing it.

I ended up going after daddy said that it would make me feel better to just get it done. It didn't make me feel better exactly, and now I'm faced with several boxes of those memories and the even larger task of trying to come up with a new set of traditions for me and the cat.

It's too quiet in the house and since I've got really no reason to make gingerbread or sugar cookies short of expanding my own waistline, I'm not really in the mood to do either of those. The tree isn't even worth really putting up. I took the smallest one because I thought that would be easiest to store, but I'm regretting that I didn't take one of the larger ones which would let me at least have a project to do for the next few hours. This one looks too much like a Charley Brown tree which is depressing.

I'm glad daddy was here when I'd brought all the ornaments back. He thought it was funny how much I'd brought in, while I thought it was funny how much I'd left behind. We'd counted all the ornaments several years ago after my son's girlfriend made a comment about the tree sagging under the weight of them (and before we'd lost a few when the cat decided that some of the birds looked all too real). There were over 7,000 pieces of my Christmas memories on those trees. I think I took about 200 of them home with me yesterday.

But I don't know if my ennui right now comes from not having the other 6,800, or from looking at the 200 I have and wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do now?

Daddy said that maybe I needed to choose to be happy. That's funny considering everything. But he's right I suppose. For every ending, there's another beginning. I just need to find a beginning for myself that feels right.

And damn...sugar cookies and gingerbread DO taste good for breakfast :)

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