Thursday, October 8, 2009

Pillow Talk

After bondage club last night, Sir and I went back to my place to relax and unwind. Balloon bondage was a blast, and even the most rope-centric tops seemed to have a ball with that one. I wasn't sure how it was going to go over, but Radagast22 did a fabulous job and everyone was drawn to the fun and silly aspect of bondage with balloons. Daddy thought we might need to bring some balloons to Shibaricon to play with in the dungeon and I think that I really like his silly side...a lot.

When we climbed into bed to snuggle, we started doing what we always do, and what I always look forward to...we started talking. We talk about all kinds of things and I usually fall asleep listening to his voice. It's a nice feeling...to be curled around each other, touching, and having his voice wrapping itself into my brain while I'm floating off. It just makes me feel happy. But in my happy place last night, he'd said a few things that left me with mixed feelings.

He first asked if I knew that he was in this relationship for the long term. I had to admit that I really hadn't known. I knew where my heart was, but I hadn't really understood that his was in the same place. That it is, made me heave a huge mental sigh of relief and took at least one big load of my mind. We're together, as a couple, I'm his girlfriend and he's my boyfriend. Not just sometimes...but all the time. I know that.

But then he started talking about other things that seemed to make him extremely nervous. I could see that the subject scared him and so I did what I usually do when he gets onto something that he's not sure how HE feels about it and is wondering how I feel. I made a joke about shoe closets. I'm not sure why I find it necessary to try to deflect his uncertainty and turn it into something he can backtrack on...but that's what I do. He does kind of the same thing though...he does that eye roll thing and tries to hide his eyes from me. But I also proved last night just how much things are different when I'm able to look into his face and see him there.

I was surprised that he'd even brought up the subject. For the life of me, I swear I thought he was going to want to talk about collars. I'd thought about that and how I'd feel if the subject came up. I'd had that conversation in my head and was prepared for it. I hadn't expected the subject he talked about to be brought up and I certainly wasn't prepared for it.

I will admit though, that it was something that had flitted across my brain every once in a while...mostly on Sunday nights. But when that thought got into my brain, I'd always squashed it down. Especially since he'd already told me that it wasn't likely to happen. I'd read that email a dozen times and finally resigned myself to the fact that eventually, we'd probably just sort of drift "close enough" together to spend a little more time together, but that I'd always end up coming home on Sunday nights alone. At first, I didn't know if I could always feel ok with that, but then I realized that if that was the price I had to pay to have him in my life, then that's what I'd have to learn to live with. The line that wouldn't be crossed.

But I'd also thought about what I'd told him when he asked me what I wanted, needed, and expected from him. About how I'd wanted someone to want me enough to actually be together that way. At the time, I didn't expect it to be him...and I'm still not sure if I really do. Or even if he does.

I know him, and I know that if that subject was something that he wanted to discuss on his own, he wouldn't have been so frazzled doing it. My own thoughts are that he's thinking about what others have said to him and whether or not it's what I expect. He wouldn't have thought about it on his own but for somebody else putting that bug in his ear. I did eventually tell him what I thought about it, but even so....I don't think he's all that comfortable with even the idea. Much less the application.

So, I'm confused again today. I usually find my confusion rather amusing, but this time, I guess I'm just resigned to whatever happens. I don't hold out hope for things that aren't likely. I don't want to wish for what probably isn't possible. And I don't expect this is a confusion that is easily going to gain clarity anytime soon.

But I DO know that I miss not being alone.

1 comment:

the eternal list said...

i can relate, confusion surrounds me daily