Sunday, October 4, 2009

Making Love is NOT What?

BDSM is about sexual intensity; it is not about making love. BDSM sex is unapologetically sex concerned with generating intense sensual experiences; it is sex for pleasure (even if the definition of what is pleasurable is defined in oddball ways)


I recently had a discussion with an old friend about whether or not I preferred "fucking" or "making love". Since neither love nor sex were a large part of many of my bdsm relationships, I never spent a lot of time considering if there even was a difference. I finally told her that I really couldn't remember a time where I'd "made love". To me, making love meant that I had to love someone and until recently, that hadn't happened.

I also told her that I thought fucking had to do with the physical, while making love had to do with the mental. Since I've spent a lot of years keeping things in my head, I'm not sure that I'd even remember what making love feels like.

Being a masochist, someone who gets wet at the mention of pain, who can take pain and turn it into pure unadulterated bliss and being someone who rarely feels alive without feeling some kind of physical pain during sex...that conversation got me thinking about whether or not love and bdsm can co-exist. And, if it does....does that change a D/s relationship for better or for worse?

After Sir and I realized that we did love each other, he'd wondered if loving me would affect how comfortable he was hurting me. Or something to that effect. I'd brushed it off as being somewhat a silly thing to worry about. He is a sadist, I am a masochist. Each, a side of a coin that can't exist without the other side. But recent events have made me wonder about that. Mostly it has to do with the mental aspects of love.

I love Sir. I've accepted that and I revel in the comfort that our relationship has because of that love. We talk about all sorts of things and explore our emotions together. A D/s relationship is unique because it demands from each of us truthfulness, negotiation, communication, trust, and accountability. What we do can't be explored any other way. There's too much at stake.

But sometimes I wonder if all those things that make a really successful D/s relationship also don't put added stresses on a love relationship. I wonder if all that sharing and discussion of emotions and feelings aren't sometimes more than we'd be willing to share outside of one. How do you balance loving someone so much that you'd do anything to not hurt them with hurting someone(and enjoying the pain) because you love them?

After thinking about all of these things, I've come to my own conclusion. What works for me.

I belong to Sir. We love each other. We communicate, disagree, and lay ourselves open to each other. Sometimes it works very well on it's own, while others we need to learn how to make it work together. BDSM and love isn't an either/or proposition for me. They either have to work together or I don't want either. Love enhances our D/s relationship and because of our D/s relationship, our love is enhanced. I think, in our relationship we make love. And I think that's because my mind becomes his, my soul is laid open for him, and my heart is at it's most vulnerable. If I didn't love him...none of those things would happen. And I've gotten used to things that way. To me, I could no more fuck Sir now than I could play with a tarantula. So in the rare instances that something goes awry and my mind, body, heart and soul are not together....I feel lost.

What I've learned from BDSM is what makes loving him worth the struggles I sometimes have with my fears and my past. What I learned from having a D/s relationship is what makes me hungry to feel him through everything that we do. And love is what taught me that love itself is not the ability to forgive and forget, it is the ability to hear that which is scary....and know that there's nothing to fear.

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