Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Importance of Being Earnest

I’ve always believed I was pretty good at being a submissive, mostly because it came pretty naturally to me. I wanted someone stronger, more intelligent, authoritarian, but also someone to laugh with, smile, act silly and play around with life with. I needed someone to lead me in the journey we were taking together, to let me fly under watchful eyes and to be my comfort and security when I'd made a mistake. The exchange would come from my need to help, support, pamper, cajole, protect, tease, flirt and be a complimentary element to his own life.

But I also have a very dominant side that was necessary to develop for my own protection. And, well hell...just to live life without constantly getting trampled upon. I have a job that requires me to sometimes be intimidating and not to be susceptible to suggestion from those in perceived authority. I am always nice, but I really can tell someone to go fuck themselves in such a way that they'd enjoy doing it.

But I am also a people pleaser. I do those jobs that nobody wants, I sometimes take on much more than I can handle because I like to make others’ lives easier and happier. It took me a long time to learn that by pleasing myself, I could be much more effective everywhere else. I had no problems learning how to help others...I DID have problems learning how to be selfish. And I'll admit...sometimes I rather like it.

So it shouldn't come as a surprise that it sometimes takes a while to figure out how to leave the everyday, slightly selfish, dominant type person at the door when I arrive at Sir's and let the real me out. I usually can do it on my own...after all, I’m dropping a mask to become the mirror, but sometimes things don’t always come all that easy and I need help. Especially at those times when Sir isn’t feeling especially domly at the moment.

I’m beginning to understand that in being a good submissive to Sir most of the time, combined with the fact that he really doesn’t see me in day-to-day situations with family, courts, lawyers, and the rest of the world....well, he probably thinks that it’s a seamless transition. And because being a submissive in a relationship is what I expect, it is not just a role...he probably doesn’t understand that sometimes I just need to have my hair pulled, be told to kneel and to just behave myself. Just as sometimes he just needs me to kneel at his feet and pasha him to death.

So, when neither of us are feeling quite “up to” our usual roles, how does one still be a “good submissive” or a “good dominant”?

It’s funny, but I have to remember that without both halves of this exchange, the other can’t happen either. I can’t feel comfortable enough to submit when he’s not feeling comfortable enough to dominate. And then that vicious circle starts....if he wanted me to submit, he’d start acting like a dom....if she wanted me to act like a dom, why doesn’t she start submitting and stop acting like a brat? And that doesn’t get either of us anywhere except me feeling like he just doesn’t care and him feeling like there’s something wrong and wondering where his “good submissive” disappeared to. Someone has to break that circle, but when you’re going around it, not only is it hard to recognize...it’s not perpetual motion...but it's damned hard to stop.

So from now on I think that I’ll just try to remember that I’m not expected to be a “good submissive”. I’m only supposed to love him and things will just have to work themselves out from there. Someday he’ll understand what my loving him really means. And someday he'll trust me enough to believe it. It's another one of those things that the only proof will come at some indeterminate date in the future. One day he'll look at me and say "babydoll....you're never going to leave me because I'm never going to leave you".

But in the meantime, I think that I’ll try better to recognize that circle of "not submissive/not dominant enough" and put my own brakes on. I can’t promise that I’ll be very good at that. I mean...he’s also my daddy and sometimes giving a little girl an inch...well....let’s just say that this one’s going straight for the belly button every damned time.

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