Sunday, October 25, 2009

Can I Have it All and Do I Even Want It?

Another weekend has come and gone and once again I'm sitting at my place, alone except for the cat (who is glad I'm back) and my computer. I don't even have the energy to take care of the things that I need to for the coming week, and I know that by Tuesday morning, I'll be so far behind with those things that I've quite given up hope of catching up.

And it was another weekend which brought nothing but confusion.

While driving home tonight, I realized that I wasn't smiling. In fact, I had such a frown on my face, I could feel my jaw and neck tightening up. I felt as if my life had come crashing down in my face, and I was exhausted from merely being around myself.

I don't know why I constantly feel like this. I slept most of the day today and yet I'm more tired than I've been in months. It's like my brain is slogging around, I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do, and my attention is being divided into to many things. I miss my friends, my granddaughter, my family, my hobbies. In short, I miss my life and I'm feeling guilty about that. And I kind of wonder why the life I have with Sir can't feel more like a life together and not just one that happens at conveniently planned intervals. I wanted an entire life with someone, not just pieces of time together. But our own pieces somehow meshed together with the ones of us together. Crap, I know this doesn't make a bit of sense. Deal with it.

I've thought that the main reason that I didn't find another relationship right away after the old one ended was because I needed time. I needed to find out who I was, what I wanted, and what I wanted from a relationship. I really thought that I'd figured all of those things out and felt ready to start one if it should happen. I knew that I had clear goals, defined myself, and had created a life that I enjoyed living. I had friends, hobbies, a job I loved, and time to do whatever I wanted. The only thing that I hadn't found was that relationship. I was OK with that though. I just figured that it'd happen someday. And I figured I could fit that in with everything else. I knew it'd take up more of my time....I just didn't realize I'd have to give up everything else for it.

I'm wondering if the reason that I avoided doms like the plague before this was because I know how this works. Doms are high maintenance and I just wasn't up to maintaining that sort of relationship right away. Why do I expect myself to drop everything, not have issues and a life that interfere with what he needs, and not to bring my baggage into our time together? I like being a submissive, but that's not all of who I am. He makes me feel wonderful. But is feeling that wonderful when I'm with him worth feeling this horrible when I'm not?

I wonder about the kind of person I've become again. I rarely see my friends anymore without feeling guilty that I'm taking time away from Sir; I've seen my granddaughter three times since April, and I rarely have time to think about my hobbies, much less DO them. It's just too hard to give up the time with Sir for those other things..especially when he needs me. And truthfully, I'm just not sure if it's giving up those things that's got me annoyed, or if I'm annoyed with myself for wanting him more than everything else and letting myself become so attached that I'm willing to give up everything else.

I sit and stare at the walls, wondering what I'm supposed to be doing, instead of actually doing the things I like. I try to fill in the empty spaces with his voice, his presence, but it's just not working. I like to be with him, sitting at his house, hearing him, even just working at the dining room table while he's in his office. I like to hear him pause and say "babydoll....could you come here for a minute?" or "could you bring me something to drink?". I like being with him, even if I'm not sitting in his lap. I could very happily sit at the table, working on something else, while he's watching television. But when he wants me to be with him watching, I always wonder why he can't see that, and why I just can't tell him.

Sir says he doesn't want me to be anyone else except who I am, but I just don't know how to be that, and still be with him. I'm changing from a whole person with a valuable life that I loved, into a person who has no time for anything except working, sleeping and Sir. It's my fault that I let it get this way, but now that it is, how do I stop it?

We're damned good together. When I'm with him, I don't regret an instant of that time. It's only on these Sunday nights that I'm sitting alone, looking at that tequila bottle, and wondering why I just couldn't say no to another weekend, at his house, losing myself in him and forgetting everyone and everything else....me included. Why can't there be a balance when we're together without making either of us feel like we're neglecting each other? Why can't just being together, around each other, be enough sometimes? Why does it have to be all or nothing?

This weekend was hard. I am exhausted with the effort it's taking to constantly be happy, be there for him, and take care of him. He's exhausted with the effort it's taking to not dump on me, and we're both just wondering if this shit will ever end and let us get back to normal. I've gotta admit that my optimism is fading and it's hard to be around him like this. He recognizes the danger. But damned if we're not both just feeding into it.

I don't want him to feel like he can't talk to me, trust me, and know that I'll be around to help him....but I don't know if I can do this all the time. It is draining on me, and as much as I'd like to tell him that I can handle it....I'm just not sure if I can.

I just can't always be happy....I am sad and angry sometimes; and I do have serious problems of my own that I'm trying to deal with. And trying to be positive and pushing my own problems aside to help him deal with his is becoming exhausting. Who do I talk to? Who do I just vent to? Who tells ME that things are going to be ok? How can I continue to be his outlet, when I don't have one of my own? And how can I tell him that I'm sad or unhappy when that will only add to what he's dealing with? I really wish I knew the answer, because it's getting harder and harder to find it in me to be happy. When we're together, it's easy to forget my own stuff. But I'm not sure that I want to anymore. I'm just not sure how I can be with him, help him, and not lose everything else in the process.

And how do I figure this one out without having someone to talk to, when I want everything but can't have it?

That is what I was afraid of all along I think. I don't expect, I don't wish, and I don't want....because I really don't EVER get to have everything that I want. And it sucks too much to pretend. And that's what I feel right now. I'm pretending to be happy, that everything is ok, that I'm not scared, and that he will be OK.

I'm not alone just on Sunday nights. I'm alone in this one for a while I think. My exhaustion isn't with life, it's with the lack of the one I learned to like.

In my search for all, I'm afraid that I'm going to end up with less than I started with.

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