This weekend finally had some clarity for me.
This weekend started Rosh Hashanah. On Friday, I'd gotten out of work early and went to see daddy. He'd asked for my help getting things ready for Friday night when we'd be having a family dinner with The Boy and The Niece. I showed up and went to work helping him clean, a last minute trip to the store, and picking up The Niece at school.
We'd had a nice dinner, although I made a major faux pas when cleaning up afterwards. I won't make that mistake again and despite all my trysting with Mr. Google about Rosh Hashanah, never once were candles mentioned. Sometimes Mr. Google requires too much specificity to be useful. What was nicest about the dinner was that I could listen to how a family talked to each other...singing, laughing and enjoying each other. I've missed that a lot. Usually my family spends more time arguing than anything. That's why I dislike holidays.
After I took the Niece back to school, and daddy put the Boy to bed, we'd spent some time talking. Thankfully he didn't mention the candles.
On Sunday, while daddy went to shul, I did a little shopping. Daddy mentioned that if I needed something to do, I could clean his office. We'd joked about this several times, and by now I'm sure that he really thought it was never going to happen. I spent about a half hour cleaning and when he got back, he seemed a little surprised that so much had been done. Of course, it's really messy so it'll take several more mini sessions to get it all done, but I'd thought a pretty decent start was made.
We went to lunch and I went for a walk. It was a beautiful day and I'd really wanted to enjoy it. Daddy seemed pretty tired though and when I got back, he looked like he was ready to fall asleep in his chair. We talked about stuff for a bit and I massaged his feet for a few minutes. He really looked like he was going to nod off then. We went upstairs for a nap.
This is one of those times that I'm never too sure what he wants from me. He knows that I'm not tired and that I can't stay lying down for a long time without getting antsy. He loves me to be with him then though.
Because he was so sleepy, and because I know that scratching his back and rubbing his neck and shoulders makes him more relaxed, I started doing that. Usually after a few minutes, he's asleep and I'm left wondering "now what?"
This time though, I just continued to do it while he was sleeping. The more he relaxed into me, the more he purred, the less stressed he became, his face changed while he was sleeping. He was actually smiling while asleep. That gave me the motivation to keep doing it. If I could make him that happy simply by touching him, I was sure gonna keep doing it as long as I could!
It came to me then, that he seemed so vulnerable. I always looked at him as a strong, confident man. I'd rarely seen him as a man who just wanted someone to touch him lovingly while he slept. I looked at him smiling through sleep and purring and wondered how long it had been since he'd felt comfortable enough with someone to trust them to keep him safe and wrapped in comfort while he slept?
Instead of wondering "now what", I started wondering "what now". What can I do now to show him how much he means to me? What can I do now to show him that he can finally just sleep knowing that I'm there for him to take up the slack when he needs it? What can I do now to help make his life better?
It's interesting that such a little thing like touching someone with love can mean so much to both of us.