Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Am I Hearing Shit or Just Not Getting It?

So, apparently the shit has hit the proverbial fan on this one.

I listen. Mostly I listen well, but sometimes...every once in a while...the wires get twisted and what I think I hear isn't necessarily what's supposed to be heard. This time however, I'm pretty sure I've pieced everything together pretty correctly.

Sir has said many things over the course of our relationship that led me to believe that there were limits he'd placed on where he was willing to go with this. What I'd heard was that there was never going to be a time, no matter how we might feel, no matter what happened, where things would progress beyond me being his sub, me being his girlfriend, and me being alone a lot of the time. I got that.

Figuring out whether or not I want to live like that....well....let's just say I haven't quite figured that out yet. I'm still learning how to change my own oil.

Some of the limits that he's imposed are understandable. I certainly know what we've both been through with our respective divorces; I certainly do understand that jumping into things before thinking is a bad idea. But two things that he'd said that bothered me almost to the point of obsession were: "no collars for you babydoll" and "I could never live with anyone again". It seemed a little to me like putting the cart before the horse after only being together for a few months.

But after I'd thought about it...the thought that struck me the most was that after everything I'd learned in the past seven months, everything that I'd allowed him to become to me...well...I felt that he was telling me in no uncertain terms that I'd make a huge mistake. And here I thought I'd finally found someone to love. At my age...I should have probably known better. After 44 years of liking people "well-enough", I should have listened to my head and not the to the oxytocin or endorphins. Guys are not the only ones who think with the wrong part of their anatomy. Girls do it pretty frequently as well.

But what I thought he was telling me was that I'm really on my own and that I need to rely on myself, make plans for myself, think about myself...while at the same time owning me and telling me to rely on him, think of him, focus on him. Does anyone have any clue just how hard that is to do?

And you wonder why I'm confused?

I feel kind of like I'm back at Square One again. My submission radar has gone haywire and I'm not altogether sure that I'm able to fully submit to someone who only wants a part time girlfriend/submissive. I'm back into bottom mode much of the time and as a result I'm back into being The Brat a lot. It's my thing that keeps me out of submissive space and in bottom space so that I don't confuse the two. Confusing them is all too easy if you're not careful.

Looking back, I thought my problem was that I couldn't do this part time and be happy. I thought that by holding back part of myself I could do a sort of situational submission...a party sub, a sub when we were together...but the rest of the time...I'd be left to my own devices. Never fully with him....yet never fully away from his influence either. When I thought I'd figured out that the reason I was so darned unhappy was because I needed to be myself and not half of myself, it made all the pieces of what I was going through seem clear.

I just never expected that MY problem was that HE didn't want it any other way.

Just when I thought I'd figured out my confusion and had finally started working towards things being less confusing...I get this thrown into the mix.

Some days are like that I guess.

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