I don’t know what was the matter with me this weekend. Things started off fine- meeting Sir after his yoga class, dinner with K and K and home to cuddle and sleep. I’d had a wonderful time and we woke up early to cuddle some more before leaving to meet Rica for breakfast.
The problem started I think when I changed my order at breakfast from french toast to eggs. Sir had said something along the lines of me doing that to "spite him". I don’t know what happened to cause him to say that. I just figured that he’d found me to be too predictable and I thought that maybe I had become that. Also, I didn’t really know how the french toast would be...too squishy? That’s always the problem with french toast in unknown places. Sometimes they’re great and others they’re incredibly bad.
Afterwards, we’d spent the day in Harvard again...first at the art museum. That was interesting. He seemed to separate from me almost as soon as we walked into the first room What I most noticed was that he seemed to bounce around from thing to thing, and didn’t seem like he wanted to be with me while viewing the art. I tried to catch up with him, tried to engage him in conversation about pieces, trying to find out what he liked about a particular piece....but somehow I didn’t seem to be able to find a way to be together during it. I’d have loved him to look at a piece of art with me, tell me what he liked or didn’t like about it, laugh over the funny things together (the Floating World? and Hercules as a forced femme?) For instance, I didn’t like the wall of wood....while he’d told me later that he did. What did he like about it? Was there something there that I missed? Could I have seen it differently through his eyes? We both liked the O’Keeffe, but were the reasons why the same? I don’t know the answers to any of these things because I’d viewed everything alone. Another disconnection point.
We’d walked around Cambridge, gotten ice cream, had dinner at a Mexican place, shopped for new pens and books. But something just felt wrong somehow. We were together, but not sharing our experience together. The margaritas were fun, and we both got a little tipsy, and dinner was better at connecting....we’d talked about all sorts of things all day long, so the feeling that we weren’t together shouldn’t have happened. I’d liked the day...walking and talking with him...but it just seemed kind of forced....like we’d both have rather have been somewhere else. Maybe it was that we were both just tired.
We went home for a nap before Trialsinner’s party. This is one time again that I just should have said that I wasn’t really in the party mood...but I figured that we’d had such a nice time at the last one, that we’d have some time together. Another disconnect here.
We’d started out fine...me at his feet, rope cuffs...and him tying the karada. But he’d gotten distracted with another couple and instead of playing, he’d offered to teach them how to do it. Another package tying feeling. But I figured he’d show them, and then we’d connect afterwards. He hardly noticed I was there at all....while I noticed how he always seemed to be focusing elsewhere. I lost my focus then and couldn’t find it again. When he finally asked me if I wanted to fly, I again should have just told him no. The rope wasn’t feeling all that great at that point and because he’s not comfortable with solo suspension yet, it wasn’t going to get any better. I should have remembered that it would be another learning experience for him, and not a way for us to connect. I started to get that sinking feeling in my stomach when I just know I’m not in a good place to begin with....and all the rope is going to do is annoy me. He needs to learn and get comfortable, and I do understand that, and parties where there are lots of people there to help him are good places for him to learn that....but to ask me if I want to fly and then spend so much time on the technicalities...getting the rope looking "just right"....paying attention to the rope...ah well.
He’d tried a different harness and it didn’t work out so well. It tightened on my shoulders which caused pain. My fingers went numb almost immediately which told me that something was wrong...and I had to come down.
Then he’d wanted to flog me....probably he know how my mood was at that point and wanted to try to get me happy. At first I’d said no. I’d already been in rope twice and neither time got me relaxed enough. I’d felt jumpy and irritated rather than calm and giddy. When I’d said no though, he was surprised- like he’d never thought in a million years that I’d say no to a flogging. So I’d changed my mind and said of course. I should have just gone with my gut and spent time together touching and talking. It would have been better.
The flogging was nice, but something was just bugging me too much and I couldn’t figure it out. When he started with the whip, I lost it. My feet were freezing, the room was hard, he was pissed off and at that point I just didn’t care about anything. My only thought was just get it the fuck over with. And that’s where the meltdown started. He knew it, but I couldn’t put my feelings into words without hurting him. I’d lost all sense of him and he felt like a stranger. Even looking at him...it was like I didn’t know who he was. As he said...maybe just too much young puppy energy. And, I think that sucks the energy out of a room.
We got home and all I could feel was a great big emptiness. I was sleeping right next to him, wrapped in his arms...and yet I felt alone.
Saturday started off fine. We went to the parade, had fried dough, strolled through the vendors..and even if the firetrucks got to me after a while, we’d had what I thought was a pretty decent day. We went home and spent some time together. But all I kept feeling was alone. I wanted to be with someone....but Sir needed time to himself. He wanted me with him...and both of us enjoyed the touching, but this was one of those times that it really was all one way..... He loved being touched, but all I felt was as if all he wanted was the touching...he didn’t need me there...and I really felt lost. I can’t disappear anymore....I can’t go on automatic...and I just don’t know what to do when I’m not actually wanted.
Disconnections are happening more frequently now and I'm beginning to understand that I'm not going to be able to do this half way anymore.
But can I remove five years of selfishness to be in a part time relationship?