Today I’m having a great day. After everything that I’ve put myself and Sir through testing the waters to see if he could accept myself, to see if I could become more than just his sometime submissive girlfriend, and after having had a couple of weeks of almost a nervous breakdown of sorts...I’ve finally figured out that my main problem was me.
Looking back at the last seven months since meeting Sir, I’d allowed myself to believe that I could do this half way. I could be his submissive sometimes, while sometimes doing whatever I damned well pleased. And to a certain extent, I can still do that. He really doesn’t want to change who I am...I think he just wanted me to change how I saw myself with him. It was kind of surprising that he’s had such little actual experience in a D/s relationship, yet obviously he was able to figure out that I really didn’t know my own mind about it with him.
I’m sure we’ll laugh together at this someday. My pushing and testing. And he is right. I suppose I will do it again someday. Pushing and testing myself though...not really him.
My attitude has changed significantly since last weekend at the Flea. After yet another meltdown, being completely miserably unhappy with Sir at yet another party...being more lonely with him than if I’d been by myself...and feeling awful for feeling like that...I had another one of my famous meltdowns. I hurt him. He told me that when he questioned himself about letting me get close to G. That fucking woke me up. I know that G is the most important person in his life.....and to question if the other should be around him given the uncertainty in my own head....that scared the hell out of me.
I took a day off from work. I didn’t feel well anyway so it wasn’t such a huge deal. Yes, we’d overcome a lot of my meltdown by Sunday, but in the light of day...I didn’t really like myself much better for having done it. I felt tired, wasted, empty and sad.
I spent the day thinking...sleeping....relaxing. I let my mind wander over what I liked about Sir, about us together, and about myself. The things I liked about our relationship are normal things...we like to talk with each other. We like to learn and experience new things together. We care about each other’s happiness. We want to console, protect, make smile, and love each other. We didn’t have to fall in love. We probably could have had a really good part-time bottom/top relationship. But what I figured out was that I couldn’t do that anymore. I can’t just be a bottom any longer. I can’t just take without giving all of myself, my effort....back. I need to give him everything...I need to be owned again.
I’d realized that he owned me, but only those pieces I was willing to give him. He owned me with boundaries. And having those boundaries...while they might make it easier not to be hurt again....also made it too difficult on me to keep in place. I needed him to want to own me. I needed him to take that which I wasn’t sure I wanted to give....He was sure. And that’s why he kept having me question myself. He kept throwing things out there for me to explore myself with. And the only conclusion was that I couldn’t be with him, and be happy with him...any other way.
My attitude changed in that instant. I saw all of the things that I’d selfishly thought and done....and realized how much they were hurting both of us. He wanted me...but did I want him enough? Did I want him enough to give over the submissive in me? Did I really trust him with that? Could I love him and be his submissive? Could I love him and have everything else? I’m positive I can. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in someone.....I was just too selfish to see it.
So today I am owned...and today I finally feel owned. I do as he asks because I love him and it will make him happy. His happiness...that delicious smile on his face when he’s happy....is my goal every time that I’m with him. He asks for so little of me...."be" with him...engage with him....focus on him....talk to him...be myself with him. He doesn’t want to change me....he just likes certain things. Nails? Hair? Clothing? Nothing he’s asked for is difficult....just different. And he’s not forbidding me completely...he’s just choosing the time and place for his happiness.
He did ask an interesting question though...does submission only come by doing those things that I dislike, find difficult, or hate? Or can it come by doing things I like as well?
Submission isn’t about doing or not doing something. One manifestation of it is indeed doing things which he wants...but which I may not always like. But submission to me is a mind-set; a way of looking at a relationship and saying "you’re the lead....you’re the focus....your happiness is most important because when you’re happy....you make me happy". Submissive mind is all-encompassing. It permeates every interaction...every nuance. It is a calming, expression of trust in myself, in him, and our relationship. I submit to his judgment. I submit to his control. I submit to his opinion and desire. I willingly go where he leads. That’s why my hesitation about him took so long. I trusted him...but was I willing to put my trust in him? That’s what I needed to figure out I think. Love isn’t for certain. It may not be forever, and it can’t be forced. I needed time and he gave it to me.
So today I am owned again. The second time in my life. This will be the last though....I know it and I'm getting to old to find my way again. That’s why I took my time. I loved Jon, but I wasn’t "in love" with him. With Sir...I’m so in love with him I needed to learn how to trust in my love for him too.