Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I Just Can't Help Wanting

Sometimes I just can’t help wanting things.

You know how it is...the craving for a really delicious piece of silky-smooth dark chocolate; the longing for a lazy summer day at the beach with the smell of coconut; the crispness of the fall air while apple picking; and the excitement of the first snowflake floating along the air in winter. Cravings that left unfulfilled, turn into an addiction.

I usually take stock of my life in January and July of each year. I look to the future and reflect on the past at those times. It helps me along with figuring out whether my wantings have gotten out of hand, and if they have...gives me an idea of whether or not they ever could be fulfilled before turning into those crazy cravings that must be fulfilled at all costs. I don’t particularly like the all-costs of some of my cravings, so I try to make sure they’re taken care of long before they become an addiction.

As I’ve looked back at the last six months, I realize that I’ve made a lot of changes. Some were my choice, while others were forced upon me by circumstance. Sometimes the point of all these changes escapes my comprehension and makes me just a little bit temporarily crazy. Loss of six months of my best friend due to illness; divorce, moving into a new apartment, job worries, financial worries, car troubles, health issues, and lots of other things, have all combined to make things very difficult for me at times. But I also realize that with all that’s happened, I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’m getting the hang of things little by little and with the help of wonderful friends and a once-in-a-lifetime boyfriend. And believe me...I know that one sounds over-the-top, but with everything that’s happened, that is the one thing that has kept me on an even keel for the past six months with all of the other changes. The one thing that I’ve always come back to for focus, and the one thing that I crave without limitation. If that one turns into an addiction, I’ll be quite happy with that.

I’d been in other relationships before, but never one like this. An abusive first marriage, a series of disastrous and dangerous playmates, and one special man who became nearly everything to me. He was my first real teacher, my friend, my companion, my conscience, and my father figure. He picked up a broken, lost child and helped her find her way in a sea of confusion. And he turned the wanting into manageable cravings. But this new relationship is different. I wasn’t broken, I wasn’t lost...sidetracked a little maybe...but never lost. I was searching for something, without success, craving someone to pick up where the other had left off, helping me continue forward in my journey....and someone with whom I could share that journey with. I never expected to have my heart involved, it never occurred to me that falling in love could be what I craved all along.

I’ve often said that the best relationships work where the imaginary scales are tipped one way or the other...but that they need to be tipped to the other side from time to time when necessary. Relationships don’t work if things are always kept at a 50/50 balance. Sometimes, and very often, they’re tipped in one direction for a time. And I think that the really good ones work because each of the people believes that the scale is tipped in their own direction all of the time. I know it sounds incongruous...believing a scale is tipped in your direction when the exact opposite must be true....but if you both believe you are taking more out of it than you are putting in.....the scales are always tipped against you....while at the same time...tipped toward you. Its hard to explain and I know I don’t make sense.

With Sir, he’s given me so much....and yet at times...I feel like a complete failure, a disappointment. I strive to be better, treat him better, love him more, than I think I can do....trying to tip my scale towards him.

Now, I’m sure if you asked him...he’d say that I’m never a failure or disappointment and that I give him so much....and that he tries to help me be better, he treats me like a princess, and loves me more than even he thought might be possible....and wondering if he’s living up to my expectations or even feeling like a failure sometimes....trying to tip his scale towards me.

As long as we both believe we’re striving to tip those scales towards each other....then it doesn’t matter where along the axis it actually balances....it is the belief that matters.

I’d always swallowed my fears, (except for those damned spiders) held onto the pain, hidden that which could have harmed me. I’d never given the smallest indication that I could be hurt, and I never, ever cried. Not at funerals, weddings, sad movies, or other disasters. I was the strong one, the reliable one, the one that was so stoic, people assumed that I didn’t have a warm bone in my body. But all that changed when I met Sir. He somehow knew what I was holding onto and tried his damnedest to pull those out of me. It wasn’t just because he is a sadist and delights in the pain of others...a sadist likes to cause that pain....and he knew that he wasn’t the cause of it. He just needed to help me face them and get rid of them finally. I can cry now for all kinds of things...and he often takes sadistic joy in causing me those tears....but they’re different from those caused by swallowing painful memories....he gave me the ability to free myself and I gave him the ability to cause my tears....to whose side is the scale tipped? I’m sure we both believe it to be weighted in our own favor.

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