Friday, July 31, 2009

Finally Better

I spent yesterday with Sir. First at the fair with him and G. Two of the sweetest faces riding the bumper cars I'd ever seen. He needs time with G just having fun. I think I can help him with that. He can let himself loose for a little when I'm there and they both are the better for it. He's got another person around who can help him take up some of the slack with G when he gets rambunctous, but knows when to step back when it's his place to be the dad. I think that works pretty well. I can be the sometime buffer between them. Giving them both someone else to focus on when things get difficult. I've always been good at that little trick.

After G left, we spent some time together relaxing. Talking, rope cuffs, making Corpse Reviver #2 (I don't know what happened to #1),nipple clamps...I really forgot that one. When I told him to think of something that he wanted but which he knew I hated, I forgot about those. Me and my great ideas.

He'd saved some come in the freezer for me. I laughed when I couldn't reach my tongue into the bottom of the container to lick it and he had to feed it to me with a spoon...but he laughed as well. He told me not to have anyone else put my rope cuffs on me. I was to wait for him to do it from now on. He just wants me to want him more than anyone else. That's an easy one.

He did give me a bite on my shoulder because I asked for one. He made a comment about my "topping from the bottom", but sometimes, I need to feel him and one of the best ways is for that bruise on my shoulder. I can feel him for days. I did all that he asked of me. I didn't force things back down, I was finally...after all this time....just me. Sometimes a little mouthy, sometimes a little silly...but he knows now that if he wants my attention a different way...all he has to do is re-direct me. I don't consider that topping from the bottom though. And I don't think he really does either. He'll get used to my asking for things....and he'll understand eventually that I don't always expect to get them.

He was a little stressed from the weekend with G though and that came out in interesting ways. I pulled a muscle in my neck sometime during the night and he had to change positions for a comfortable blow job.

We played with the new Njoy toy...both ends this time and he was wonderful.

And speaking of that, it is funny that I'd never thought about watching myself come or with pain. I've seen myself on film being hurt...but it wasn't hurt that I wanted, and it was a lot more brutal than I'd ever want to be involved with again. I'm a little leery of video taping...given what I've gone through before....but I am curious. He got it right when he said that while I'm like that...it feels selfish because I feel like I'm the center of the universe. But he says its because he's got the center of the universe in his hands and can make it do anything he wants that its not selfish at all. They're his orgasms....they belong to him just as surely as I do now.

Leaving him this morning was difficult again, but for totally different reasons. I'm back to the owned space that just wants to curl at his feet, taking in his strength, and being surrounded by his love. I'm only half a person without him. To be sure, I like that half...but its the one that I am with him that I like best of all. He brings out the best in me....and I just want that more. With him, I'm sure of my place, my role, and myself. Without him, I'm just confused.

Odd how it's easier to find your way through another and so hard to find your way through yourself.

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